Letter 20/20

 Dear 2020, 

Only a  few hours and you'll be gone. There were times when I couldn't wait to be here. This past month has given me the feeling that 2021 is going to make me wish I was kinder to you so, I will be.

My final theme for your timeline was breathe. Yeah ne. Out of all the things I could have selected. Befitting ne? This year took my appreciation for breathing to a whole new level. Breathing is one of those simple things in life that we tend to forget or take for granted. 

'I just need to breathe through the bumps you'll bring 2020', I said. Little did I know. Nothing. Not a slightest clue! We all know that you sent more than bumps. Grace held my hand and helped me breathe on each and every day.

I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who refilled my oxygen tank on days when it was low. I'd like to thank people who helped me manage my breath and get to listen to what my body is telling me. Thank you to people who cracked me up to a point when I had to catch my breath. Thank you to you who always come on here to read these letters. I love and treasure our conversations.

I'd also like to thank myself. Yes, I'm pulling an Uncle Snoop. I'd like to thank myself to being true to myself, for working on my healing and for denying my ego every once in a while. I'd like to thank myself for everything I've done for myself in the name of self care. I'd like to thank myself for every leap I've taken, every pep talk I've given myself and all the times I've forgiven myself. 2020 was tough and I held on.

2020, thank you for life and her lessons.

Tsek regards

Linda 

Letter 19/20

 Hello 2020, 

I come before you with exhaustion, swollen feet and a minor headache. The African sun has been kind today. Maybe too kind. Who cares though? I'd pick Summer and heat over Winter and chills any day!

Let's get on with the theme of the day: No. This theme, like the previous, had me asking myself why I chose them so many times on your timeline. One of those "enjoy the bliss of ignorance" vibes. Nevertheless, I kept moving.

I think my relationship with No has always been tricky. No is like a frenemy. You want her around when it suits you. Wish her away when it doesn't. She's ungovernable. Quite the moody type. You may not always like her timing but, at the end of the day you appreciate it. One more thing: I think she misunderstood too. I don't blame society for this though. Yes is a tough rival! 

Me and No haven't always had the best of relationships. You've given me the opportunity to mend it, 2020. Tough lessons learnt. I've learnt that I need to be kinder to myself about creating "no" boundaries. It's hard! Triggers are real.

I've learnt that receiving a no isn't always a bad thing. This year I've swallowed bitter pills, went on mopping sprees and talked my ego out of wallowing in self pity.

Thank you for every no I've received, 2020. Thank you for every no I've given. Most of all, 2020, thank you for every no I've accepted...

Letter 18/20

 Dear 2020, 

How do you do?

It's almost time. Isn't it? I'm dedicating the last three days of the epistolary to the themes I've picked this year: No. Breathe. Psalm 115. After a very long eenie meenie miney mo I've decided I'll begin with the scripture anchor.

Iyhooo! What a challenge! I honestly don't know what I was thinking. Guys, remember how I was acting as if themes are better than resolutions? Did you show me flames 2020!

My scripture anchor was really challenging. On all fronts. A part of me wishes that I hadn't picked it. Another feels like maybe it was time. Then there's the other that just feels indifferent. Psalm 115 may have been so simple back in 2002. In 2020 it has come with so many complexities. I understand why younger me picked the verse. My current self, on the other hand, didn't resonate much. At least not most of the time. 

 

At some point in the year, Psalm 115 made me think about the toxicity of Christianity as a whole. How the bible was used, and continues to be used, to oppress people. How blacks were racially excluded because of God's "will". How "forgive and forget" is very selective and somehow forgets verse 16. Just how we tend to forget the values and follow individuals instead of the personal relationship with God. Sigh.

I don't want to be the kind of Christian who looks down on other beliefs. I might have believed in single truths at some point in my life. Not anymore. So the concept of "one true God" unsettles me. This space isn't political. So I'll just leave this at that.

There were times when I found myself questioning the will of God this year. There were times when I truly trusted God and He came through. That I'm still here is one of the greatest blessings of 2020.

I'm thankful for Psalm 115. More than anything, I'm thankful that even my bad days were a testament that God is good...

Letter 17/20

 Hybo 2020, 

I attend the family meeting this evening. 

Our president, Cyril Ramaphosa, just addressed the nation regarding the Covid-19 lockdown status. 

My mind wandered and drifted during his address. 

Honestly believe that there are times when I feel like I don't even understand English. 

Maybe it's my system adjusting. 

We're going back to Level 3 with adjustments. 

Alcohol has been banned...again.

Today has been a lot. 

Mixed emotions. 

Heavy heart.

Only thing I can tell you, 2020, is that uyiFilm.

 You. 

Are. 

A. 

Movie! 

Letter 16/20

 Dear 2020, 

Sikwi last days ngoku! (We're on your final days!). Yes, I substituted last with final in the loose translation. isiXhosa just has that "thing" that English just can't capture.

It's your last Sunday 2020. It didn't feel like a Sunday at all. Sunday hasn't felt like Sunday in a very long time. It still remains my second favourite day of the week though. It's peaceful. It's "easy". Yes, Lionel raised us well. Sunday has a very calming effect that I can't describe. Mass brings joy. The naps are a mandatory tradition and they slap HARD! The only thing sad about a Sunday is that you're just closer and closer to the next day. The one that begins with M. Sigh! 

I haven't been to mass in a minute. This year takes the cup. It's been so frustrating. I must say, though, it was necessary and it couldn't have come at a better time. I've always heard the criticism towards Christianity that we do things out of routine and that we don't live the values. This has come up from introspection during prayer groups and people from other Faiths. It's true! While routine is good, it's dangerous when we lose touch. When routine falls out it is also as if we get out of balance. There's beauty in returning to the balance. You see your short comings. You understand scripture better. You become more compassionate to yourself and others. You miss being with others. You miss fellowship. It's a rollercoaster.

Something I've also had the chance to do, during this time, is to truly appreciate how different people are. To truly reflect on what it means to be a black, African and a Christian. To gain strength from other religions and their teachings. I think I've mentioned before that experiencing Ramadan changed my entire outlook on Lent. One of my meditation anchors taught me a thing or two about Buddhism. Most Atheists I know have remarkable values. I've learnt so much about protecting my energy and lessons from the universe from those who believe in astrology or choose to not confirm. My experiences with African spirituality, especially during this time, deserve an epistolary of its own! Why can't we all just get along? I guess we're too focused on being the "better" or the "best" or the "only" truth.

2020, thank you for helping me redefine who I am...

Letter 15/20

 Hello 2020

It's your last Saturday!

I normally do the playlist on the last Friday but Christmas ended up taking over that. So here we are.

We've already established that home girl has two left feet ne? So let's not dwell on that on this letter. Let's focus, rather, on her love for music. I love music. All genres. I must say that country and choral are my least favourite. It doesn't help much that most of my faves are so into these genres. I blame my beef with country on my mother. Yhooo. She would repeat songs so much that, yes, if the artist could they'd ask for water. Then she'll expect all of us to sing along. In retrospect, I was too young to understand the lyrics. What did I know about anchors and troubled winds?

The beef with choral is very personal. So I grew up in a community where choral music is part of life. Choral competitions and concerts were also a big thing. The concerts I'm talking about also double up as entertainment fundraisers slash auctions. So people can stop the performance, at any given time, using money to make requests or comments. Money talks during these request stops. So the highest "bidder" gets the final word. I used to dread these moments. It took forever for me to get the movements right and I had stage fright. Yikes. Bottom line, maybe the world could be a better place with less choral music? Yes? No? I have no beef with all the other genres. Those can stay. 

The playlist is just a collection of songs that have tugged at my heart strings and made me dance. They've given me joy, peace, taken me to places I'd been and made me just believe in the magic of life. I love them for different reasons. The messages and stories they convey, the memories they hold and the conversations they remind me of. Yes, I'm one of those weirdos who associate people with songs and memories. 

Before I share my 2020 list, I'd like to make a major shout out to Jerusalema. It was on my 2019 playlist and it's grown big. Well done to Nomcebo and Master KG! 

Without further ado, and in no particular order, here is my 2020 playlist:

1. Ubomi Abumanga - Sun-El Musician ft. Msaki 
   My ultimate "life goes on" pick me up for 2020. Didn't get it at first but when I did, it knocked me to my knees. This is for everyone who had major blows and Ls this year - the sun will shine. Ubomi abumanga! 
   
   
2. Ke Star - Focalistic ft. Vigro Deep
   I STILL don't know the actual lyrics to this song. I've made peace with the fact that I don't want to. I always pray it doesn't play in public because I might just be brave only to end up regretting it. Oksalayo: yho yho yho yho yho yhoooo!
   
   
3. Ntandane - Vusi Nova ft. Somizi
   LOVE. LOVE. LOVE this rendition! I'm obsessed with just how much the past is still breathing. I love what they've done with the song. The message still holds, thank you to our care-givers for the tough love lessons. They've really molded us. To those who've passed, your love lives within us in ways we can only imagine.
   
   
4. Molo - Aubrey Qwana
   This has been a very tough year on friendships. I've sadly lost a few. Reconnected with childhood and varsity friends. I've also come to appreciate the ones I have remaining. All I can say is, appreciate every moment. Also, "ngibonga abangasekho. Ngibong' idlozi lami". I'm so thankful to those who came before me.
   
   
5. Imali eningi - Big Zulu ft. Intaba Yase Dubai Ricky Rick
   In South Africa there's this long standing stereotype that Xhosa women love money and are the ultimate gold diggers. Let's just say that this song was the ultimate revealer. Turns out, MOST of us want the same thing. I'm still waiting for people who want stones to put their hands up. Thank you, Big Zulu. Ngiyabonga Nkabi!  P.s low key wouldn't mind doing the #DuduzaneChallenge!
   
   
6. Mamela - Mi Casa
   Another magical piece from Mi Casa! LOVE everything about this track. It gives me butterflies...Need I say more? 
   
   
7. Ngibambe la - Mthunzi ft. Claudio & Kenza
   This song just summarises one of my favourite days in 2020. Golden memories...
   
   
8. Ndikhokhele Remix - Jub Jub & the greats
   What a beautiful song. Absolutely love jamming and praying to it. Dear God...
   
   
9. Obani lababantu - RIP GeeSixFive
   Firslty, this song is dedicated to friends of mine who believed this song defined their 2020. Secondly, our dreams are valid. Lastly, who are these people?!
   
   
10. Di Boya Limpopo - Master KG ft. Zanda Zakuza & Makhadzi
    I've always loved Makhadzi. I remember years back when I was asking my friend why she hasn't blown up. I'm loving her blow up and I'm here for her rise. This track is a hot one. Absolutely magic!

There are two songs that didn't make it here. I'll probably get grilled for them but...I'll take the blows later. In the meantime, enjoy the playlist...

Letter 14/20

 Merry Christmas 2020!

At the last family meeting the president made mention that this could be the last for many. That hit me so hard.

It's true. This year has completely changed the way we live. Above it all, it has taken. It has ended jobs, broken relationships and taken lives. My heart breaks as I imagine bread winners who couldn't provide today. There are little ones who couldn't flex in their Christmas clothes on the streets. So many families aren't feeling festive because of the chill of death. For many, today is far from merry.

I can't imagine how my next Christmas will be. The way things are going with the second wave, making it to next Christmas will be a blessing beyond measure. I don't even want to think about my family and friends. Life is fragile and something just tells me that 2021 is got to be lit. 

When I think about people I've lost, I'm always taken back to our last memories. I always wonder if I could have done anything differently if I'd known it would be my last. The scenes that play out are always different. On some days I wish I had one last memory. On some days the void is too much to bare. On other days I hold on to my favourite memory and treat it as if it were the last. On days when I can, I appreciate each moment because it may be the last. 

This is probably the first Christmas where I'm really  not worried about the commercial and consumerist aspects of the day. I guess we can't fully escape those. I'm not worried about chopping or getting salad recipes right. I haven't handed out a single gift. Christmas clothes? I left that WhatsApp group quite late but this year just certified things. I guess this year I was only left to appreciate the real value of things and how most of them aren't tangible. As corny as it may sound, it's true.

Note to my future self: A "merry" Christmas is a blessing. I hope that your faith has nurtured you. I hope that you're still true to yourself. I hope that you're still kind and still believe that joy should be shared. I hope that you're still guided by gratitude...

Letter 13/20

 It's Christmas Eve, 2020! 

It's Christmas Eve and I've abandoned tradition this year. Actually gathered courage to start something new. Something I've low key always wanted to do but gwababa (fear) didn't let me. I wasn't going to be able to pull it off this year either but plans changed, I saw a gap and I maximized on the opportunity. Something 2020 taught me quite well.

I'm blessed with circles of all kinds. Each close to my heart in a different way. While I end up being the "baby" in most of them, I'm a senior in a few. Very few lol. So it's a role I hold quite dear and close to my heart. Today I'd like to take a minute to share my reflection with my younger sisters, my younger brothers and those who prefer not to conform to gender categories.

Yes, I know I come across as a strict and no-nonsense taker. I hope you know I've got a crazy and laid back side that's just a joke away from cracking up and forgetting that I was even reprimanding you a minute ago. I hope, above all else, that you know that my door is always open to listen. Even if I won't agree. I'll listen and acknowledge your validity.

2020 has been crappy but it's reminded me of the importance of generational healing. I've tried to share my failures with you. So that you may know that perfection is an illusion. I've tried to share my fears with you. So that you may know that elders also struggle with locating courage. I've sat with you on your darkest days. To show you that sometimes elders also don't have answers. I've tried to show you that discouragement isn't permanent. To show you life isn't always fair. There are days when I've told you things would get better. While deep down I prayed that God doesn't make me a liar. 

I still feel under qualified to have you looking up to me. That will take a while to get over. At your age, you do things I wouldn't have imagined when I was that age. You're brave, kind and so courageous. I just know how blessed I am to have you. To be inspired by your dreams. To crack up at your jokes and outlook on life. To marvel at your amazing resilience. To wish I could have been your age just so that we could actually hang out more. Even if I think I wouldn't make the cut in being part of your squads. I know I'm blessed to share interests with you and to share your journey.

2020 has made me value you even more. It's inspired me to redefine so many aspects of who I am that were defined, and crafted, by pain experienced by previous generations. I've realised that most reasons behind "you can't" are buried deep behind limiting projections. I started something new today so that I can be able to tell you that you can....

Letter 12/20

 Hello 2020, 

I hope this letter finds you well.

I love that line. Can't believe there are people who don't mean it when they send it. How. Could. You?! Know what else I like? Music. I like singing along and butchering lyrics. I enjoy getting them right, every once in a while, and just going down memory lane.

There are those days when we can't stop the feeling, when we're feeling like rooms without roofs and there are days when we can just feel that days are going to be good ones. There are days when we're having bad days, sing sad songs and just want to be at our parents houses. Bongo Maffin captures this perfectly in Kura Uone. Then there are those days when we hlonipha ilife (Respect life)...RIP Mandoza.

If today were a song, it would definitely go to The lazy song by Bruno Mars. There are so many times when I've felt this way but the adulting gig doesn't come with such perks. Today it did. If someone had told me this 20 years ago I would have laughed in their faces. Slow, quiet and lazy days are the epitome of happiness in the adult world. Okay, I'm not speaking for everyone. I'm just a representative of the WhatsApp group.

Life has a fascinating way of giving us revelations about ourselves. Especially the ones we're not ready to hear. Especially at times when we least expect to receive them. Especially when we have, for the longest time, believe in a truth. I don't think I can emphasize the "especially" of the timing itself. 

I promised I'd be fair to you and I'm trying to stick to that, 2020. Most lazy days have been a bliss. A reminder that a break from the hustle and bustle is important. That sometimes we need a breather and a break from it all. That peace is priceless. That we need to make self care a priority. Thank you for this reminder...

Letter 11/20

 Hello 2020, 

Only a few more days and then you'll be gone. Yaaas!

So, I've had a bone to pick with you since you took a U turn a few months ago. There was a time when I thought I'd do a "10 things I hate about you" list on the final days. The other idea was to post one liners each day to save time on going through how hectic you were. Then there was the option of videos. The drawing board was full. In the end, I just decided to go with the flow and do my best to be fair to you.

One of the things that stood out for me during the lockdown were the local and international trends of challenges. Those were lit. People baking, exchanging dance moves, putting their little ones to the test and pulling pranks on families. The influencer challenge left me in stitches. Then there was the global one where we had to dance. Homegirl has two left feet but I think I held it down. I'll talk about that when we get to the top 10 hits for the year. My favourite challenge is the #DuduzaneChallenge. Loving it. Especially because it gave me and my Xhosa sisters a break from the stereotype of us being gold diggers. Turns out, money is something that many of us are in pursuit of.

I may not have been brave to get out of my shell and participate in most of these challenges. Some of them were too hectic fam. Especially that one where John is being asked to open the gate. I've enjoyed them though. Okay, I'll be honest. My mirror has seen the dance ones lol. In a weird way, I've learnt that sometimes being an observer is the best position to be in. Sometimes we need to just sit back and allow the joy of others to rub off on us.

Humour is good. Humour is a need. Humour is a remedy. Shared humour is like oxygen. 2020, you've made me appreciate humour. 

Letter 10/20

 What's good 2020? 

Wait, do people still say that? Or is there something else that's popular on the streets? I ask because some of these things are age revealing. Well, I'm sure there are 90s kids out there who will not find the greeting outdated.

We're halfway through the epistolary! I dedicate letter 10 to my dreadlocks which I've been growing for the past decade. The plan was to actually do this back in September but life happened. We're here now and I'd like to use today to go down memory lane. 

I can imagine that, especially for people who have just recently met me, it is hard to imagine me without my locks. They've low key become part of my "look". I guess it's one of those features that people cling on to. I've been given descriptions from "uRasta we yellowbone" (The light skinned Rastafarian) to "that chick with dreads" to "Linda with the good hair". I used to hate being called Rasta. Not sure what it really was. I guess it unsettled me because Rastafarian women cover their dreadlocks and it's something sacred for them. I guess I felt like an imposter everytime someone called me that. It was also never someone who was actually Rastafarian. Greetings from them always come with a certain warmth and I always feel like they have a deep appreciation of the significance of the hair. If I could read minds, I bet they wish I had enlightenment.

The past 10 years has been quite interesting. I remember how I looked like I had worms on my head in the beginning. Hated everything about this stage. Especially the lack of creativity in the generic hairstyles. The most memorable, and by far dramatic, experience was when I got  arrested while doing my hair. That was a horrific experience, I tell you, but I walked away with street cred. That and how people easily offer me stuff or assume that I use. Let's not talk about how security questions are read really slow at the airport. Just in case.

I'm fortunate to be surrounded by people who know that complimenting my hair and bashing women who prefer weaves in the same breath makes me cringe. I love my crown. It's easy to manage. One of the things I hardly worried about when salons were closed. Very cost effective. No admin at all. Yes, it speaks volumes about identity and culture. I don't just let anyone touch or treat it. I'm deeply rooted but on most days I'm just on that India Arie tip: I am not my hair.

Today I'm looking back at the many times when I wanted to cut it. Thankful that I didn't because I'm enjoying their current length. Just not when they're wet and need to dry. Almost 90% of people who ask about my hair ask how long I've had it. The looks on their faces after I respond are always priceless. Rome wasn't built in one day and starting afresh isn't always bad.

Yes, this has got nothing to do with you 2020. Not everything is about you. Rest! 

Letter 9/20

 Hey 2020, 

I greet you in the name of exhaustion, chest pains and body aches.

I've always been a physically active child. Liked cross country, netball and a bit of long jump at some point. Didn't like track much. One of my favourite childhood memories is how me and my homies used to have our own mini athletics. The relays were lit. All this used to drive my mother crazy back in Primary. I guess because I'd lose my hair bands and come back looking like "I wasn't taken care of". The asthma (induced) got bad in high school and my parents banned me from sport.

Needless to say, in varsity I didn't get involved in anything that needed too much physical activity. My inhaler was my best friend. Until a stint in a Taekwondo team. Let's not talk about how that ended. To be honest, the plan was to head back to training. It won't be possible now since I've relocated and all. Girl still knows her ap and dollyo chagi's though. Enough to keep her ground on these streets. 

When I returned to fitness I was mainly inspired by self defense. I wasn't expecting to part ways with my inhaler for dependence or just being calm. There's so much beauty in martial arts. One of the things I picked up during this time was jogging. What a beaut!

I have an on and off relationship with jogging. Sometimes I'm in it. Most times I'm struggling to even keep it together. Other times I can't even spell the word "run". I'm currently in the "in it" season. Homegirl is on her way to 10K. This might be for the hundredth time but who's counting? We move.

Furthest I've ran this time around is 7K. What a victory! Running is TOUGH. Tougher than most things I've done. So many factors working against you. Went for a run this morning and it was lit. Felt like crying at some point and just throwing in the towel. Fighter in me stuck it through though. Will is something else!

2020, I'm thankful for the lesson that the road to health isn't like some drive through. At the end of the day it's simple things such as hard work and resilience that bring true happiness...

Letter 8/20

 Dear 2020, 

How are you?

Naturally I've had a number of conversations about your rough patches. The underlying theme, in all of them, is how this wasn't the year of wanting to have more but the year of being grateful for all that we have. It's been a challenge because consumerism has been engraved in our DNA.

I didn't really grow up in a community where mainstream Christmas traditions were a thing. Our Christmas is in summer so there's no snow. Some people get the trees and decorate them but we're not big on it. Carols, stalkings and mistletoe traditions were also highly limited in my lived reality. Let's not talk about Santa. One day I'll tell you how my mother tackled such. All that doesn't mean that we don't follow consumerist traditions of our own.

Our parents might have not entertained the idea of Santa but Christmas clothes used to be a thing. I remember nibbling ginger cookies so much this one year that I ended up having a tummy ache. You know how they have the trick or treat tradition for Halloween? Our version here is called "happy". It's died down though. Those memories of going around, asking for happy and having to dance to Brenda Fassie songs, however, remain golden. 

Today I'd like to just take inventory of all the golden connections I have that 2020 made me extra grateful for.

I'm grateful for spaces which allow me to be myself. Spaces that are sensitive to my insecurities but don't allow me to sleep on myself. Spaces that remind me of my black girl magic on days when the realities and odds of black lives matter are stacked in my way. Spaces that laugh at my quirky jokes and also leave me in stitches. Spaces where I'm reminded how precious life is. Spaces filled with cheerleaders who believe I can.

2020, thank you for making me aware of golden things that really matter...

Letter 7/20

 Hola 2020! 

Can't believe that our conversation is already at the 7th letter. Time flies ne!

The number 7 has always signified perfection or all things good in my life. I guess for me it's been about the seven gifts of the holy spirit. How one of my favourite Kwaito artists is attached to the number. How cool the name sounds in my mother tongue, isiXhosa. There was also a hang out spot back home where everyone would go to and the unofficial yet popular name was Kwa 7. Yes, everyone except for those of us who lived in Robben Island. Boy, did I envy those free souls who were allowed to go! 7 also holds a special significance in one of my close friendship circles. The Top 7 entry for my birthday might have been inspired by my love for this number. So I think you get it that the number is just one of those things I've attached symbolism to.

Okay wait. One more attachment to the number. 2020, do you know why 6 is afraid of 7? Lol. One of the funniest jokes you'll ever hear! 😂

From all the seven days of the week, Friday happens to be my favourite. I love FriYays! Sundays being my second favourite. There's just something about Friday man. So the 7th letter landing on a Friday is no coincidence. As Elsa Majimbo would put it: "It is NOT a mistake! It is NOT".

While seven signifies perfection, 2020, your experiences and adventures have reemphasized the lesson that perfection is an illusion. At the end of the day, we measure our experiences by how much self kindness we have in our cups and gratitude for opportunities. Gratitude for those opportunities that we are granted. Gratitude for those opportunities that we miss. I think this is one of those constant reminders that ground one in this adulting gig.

Not all my Fridays were joyous this year. Some didn't even feel like Friday. I've had to put out fires on some, go the extra mile to locate the yay to my Friyay and just wish we could skip to Saturday already on some. I think I've slept through some of them too. A few years ago this would have weighed me down. Not this version of me. I'm grateful for the rain, 2020.

Today has been one of the best Friyays. I stayed in bed longer. Meditation left me lighter. I've enjoyed the company of loved ones. I busted a move or two to some music. The holiday season has finally kicked in and the days are starting to feel the same but...TGIF! 

Letter 6/20

 Dear 2020

There's a meme that I've once seen where someone was saying that we shouldn't forget to give credit after hating. So 2020, even if you've been the crapiest, you've dished out some wins shame. 

One of my favourite wins was being featured in the inaugural compilation titled “Women’s Words: Experiences and Realities”. The project, put together by The African Dialogue, collected voices from women across Africa. It was such an exciting project. Bylines don't just come by these days. I'm no longer working as a journalist and it's been a dry season there by academia. When you get the time, send prayers family. Those streets are rough!

I didn't know about the organisation at all. I was plugged by someone. It wasn't the first time that the someone in particular plugged me. I met him at a conference before joining university. He plugged me to join a student association. I did. Even went on to become a national executive member. He was amongst the tribe supporting me. After alerting me that I've made publication he told me how he knew I was perfect for it. Then it dawned on me: "I am because you" isn't some lame proverb that our people hold dear. It gives life to so many things.

2020, even in the midst of your crappy experiences you've brought amazing moments. You've reminded me to value the importance of supporting others and walking their journeys with them. You've made me aware that showing up when days are grey makes the rainbows of celebration look brighter. You've made me grateful for my tribe which remains in my corner even on days when I don't feel like showing up. You've reminded me just how much I am because they are. Camagu!

Read my piece and lots more amazing others from the compilation here.

Letter 5/20

 Dear 2020,

It's Reconciliation day in South Africa. This public holiday holds so many contradictions in my country. I prefer to stay away from politics of it all and do my own thing. I started a personal tradition when I began the reflective letters back in 2018. On this day, I decided to head to Reconciliationville.

There's always a section in town or part of a neighbourhood that you avoid. I know I still avoid areas where I'll be subjected to call calls or crowds or unnecessary drama. Reconciliationville is filled with those. Today I'd like to reflect on some of those "no go" zones that you've taken me to 2020. 

So I'm not very big on confrontation. Emotional drama drains me and makes me so uncomfortable that I avoid it. My empath radar helps with this most times. Not this year. I've gotten into so many tiffs and disagreements this year on the personal front. Each incident unique. I guess most of them had been building up for years and it was just time for the explosions. It poured.

Reflecting on each case has been interesting. I'm seeing that I'm not as patient as I thought. I appreciate the honesty of the engagements. I'm chilled with the apologies that won't come or weren't authentic. I've got traumas of my own that still need more work. Some conflicts were necessary for me to leave comfort zones. There were times when my ego needed more nursing than my need for peace.

I guess I've got two highlights from all the dramas. Firstly, there are African adults who know how to say that they are sorry. They don't disregard your views based on when you were born and they validate your differences. Bless them. I can only speak for Africa when I say that they are a rare species. Secondly, we need to put less focus on who was wrong and who was right after conflicts and focus more on sharing perspectives. There are so many peaceful revelations that come from that.

I've also learnt to accept that there are things I'll never reconcile with - the triggers of death and just other things that stay bottled up in my chest.

I hope I form part of a generation that apologises to those younger. I hope I let go of the linear notion of villains and heroes. I hope that I realise that the greatest reconciliation is the one I make with my inner self. 2020, I will forever be grateful for this lesson...

Letter 4/20

 What's good 2020?

So the family meeting happened yesterday. It went as expected. Number 1 didn't have many surprises. Every family has favourite uncles and aunties. Ours is no different. There are those family members who you don't touch. Every family has rebellious cousins, uncles and aunties. Those ones are just like people who ignore pavements and create their own pathways. Let's just say I'm still crossing fingers for grace to see us through all this. 

Time has been so strange this year. On the one hand I feel like I've gone through three years in one. On the other hand I can't believe that the year is almost over.

Despite struggling with it at first, I think this year I've mastered the art of just letting some days go. Giving in to the Netflix and chill culture, keeping busy with things that don't require much physical or emotional commitment and just allowing time to pass by. There were times when I wasn't even sure which day of the week it was because days felt the same. Getting into this was so frustrating at first because I like routine but I think it was for the best. I'm not as exhausted as I was this time last year.

I lost track of time today. This is something that would have low key freaked me out. It didn't. I've come to realisation that sometimes losing track of the world is important so that we can be in touch with our inner selves. We get so fixated with time, to-do lists and deadlines that we can't even identify how we're feeling.

I feel relaxed. I feel anxious about the spike in cases. I also feel thankful for the gift of life. Above all else, I'm at peace with feeling different things all at the same time. Thank you for days such as today 2020...

Letter 3/20

 Dear 2020,

Are you well? I am too despite the day of the week.

South Africans have a family meeting this evening. Number 1 (Our president) is going to address the nation on the state of Covid-19 affairs. We've had these regularly since we were placed under lockdown when the first wave hit South Africa in March. The numbers have been spiking and we're now being hit by a second wave. 

When the first lockdown was announced it felt like we were in some weird movie and someone had flipped the script. The restrictions and limitations took "plans change" to a whole new level. Plan B became Plan C. Plan C became Plan D. Jonga, before I new it I was looking at Plan L with bated breath. At the end of the day, turned out to be Plan Z that worked. Life showed us flames this year!

I guess tonight's family meeting will be like previous ones. There's the side of the family that won't even be bothered. There's the side that will watch hoping that the blow won't make this year any more worse. There are those family members who are stocking up on bev and cigarettes just in case. There are cousins who are adamant that nothing will stand in their way of groove. South Africans have a unique way if dealing with collective trauma. We hardly dwell. I guess we can't help finding rainbows and silver linings. We move on while deep down we carry the wounds of our past that are still present in our present.

I'm not looking forward to the family meeting. We already have hotspot regions in the naughty corner. I think tonight the list is getting longer. We haven't been at our best behaviour. Something just tells me this meeting will be a final nail to some businesses. My heart breaks for families who've lost loved ones. People struggling with comorbidities. Everyone whose life has been turned upside down by Covid-19.

One of the hardest things to accept this year was that there really is a time for everything. 2020, you've been a taker and you continue to wreck havoc...

Letter 2/20

 Hello 2020,

As most of you know I grew up in rural Eastern Cape, South Africa. We're big on tradition and culture. Double edged sword I tell you. I say this because the lessons imparted there have formed the cornerstone of who I am and I'm proud. I say this, too, because there's also toxicity that I grow uncomfortable with each and every day. Those are stories for another time though. My Xhosa folks are big on hierarchy. One of the many things you're told growing is up is not to be a spoon. If I had received a rand for all the times I heard "Musa ukuba licephe, Linda!" (Don't be a spoon, Linda), I'd be filthy rich. Why? Spoons carry while they themselves are being carried. Basically boils down to adhering to the hierarchy of things. I've adulted so much this year that I ended up regreting the days when I couldn't wait to adult. Gone are the days when I used to envy the masses who carry spoons.

I've known that adulting is a trap for a while but, boy did you make things worse 2020. Bantase, I wish they had told me that things aren't so rosy here in Adultville. The weight of those spoons is heavy. One of the worst things about that weight is that it doesn't come with a healthy manual of dealing with things.

The lockdown period felt like a large magnifying glass on that manual. Oh you know, the manual that hides behind keeping routine or any of the things we do to "escape" the reality of our situations. Things we did because others did and not because we even understood them fully ourselves. One of the growing pains of Adultville is letting go of expectations that other people must show up for you. The expectations we harbour that we will be treated the same way that we treat others. The expectation that life will always be fair. Lockdown made me confront the real reasons why I was scared of change.

It's tough here in Adultville but I'm taking each day as it comes. 2020, thank you for teaching me the art of breathing in and out and getting out of bed when all I wanted was to snuggle in for "5 more minutes". Thank you for making me appreciate the luxury of being able to show up...

Letter 1/20

 Dear 2020, 

I don't even know where or how to begin my conversation with you. I've been dreading it. I've been dreading it since this year took a very quick left and became the craziest I've ever seen. I bet 2019 laughed in our faces while we bid her good riddance on some "you ain't seen nothing yet" tip.

You know how they say that it takes a village to raise a child? I think discovering this is how and when I learnt the art of avoidance back in the day. I was a little bit mischievous. Yes. Only a tiny winsy little bit. Every time I got into trouble I'd almost wish that both my parents were present so that I could be punished once. Worst case scenario was getting up to mischief while I was out and about and the elder who punished me promised to tell my folks. I'd mull over it. Wonder which part of my body would be attacked or which privileges would be revoked. The village had its cons!My mother once went through a phase of asking us to pick our branches for punishment. Now that was tricky. I've always known how to dodge my father though - make sure you're closer to the nearest exit during the confrontation. Just in case. 

All your exists were closed 2020! Girl, you weren't even kind enough to make us pick our own branches. You just hit us with a snowball of curves and we just had to dodge, duck, take the jabs and...survive. You were also kind though. I'll give you that. You were kind enough to reconnect us with parts of ourselves we had lost touch with. You've shown us new depths of gratitude. You've, and continue to, make us aware that plans are subject to change and that guarantees are a luxury. You've taken. You've given revelations. You've brought change...

I never really have a formula for these conversations. The main goal is to reflect on the year that has been and the lessons imparted. It's hardly ever a walk in the park and I don't expect this series to be. All I can hope for is presence and sincerity from my side.

I'm looking forward to sharing the journey with the Life and Her Lessons (LAHL) family. This blog has been a safe space for conversations we hardly pause to have in our daily encounters. As the year draws to an end, I look forward to finding meaning from life and her lessons with you all...

Letters to 2020

 Hello family! 

I've been looking at the stats and the circle has grown bigger since the last time I checked. Welcome to everyone who is new or here for the first time. Welcome back to the tribe of readers who are regulars. You are all appreciated.

As most of you know, I began writing a collection of reflective letters at the end of 2018. I think the correct term for it is epistolary. The Netflix and chill junkie in me is so tempted to refer to the collection as a series. If that were the actual case, Season 1 of the letters was published during the last 18 days of 2018. Season 2 was in 2019 when 19 letters were published. I'm happy and excited to announce that Season 3 of the 20 letters to 2020 kicks off on 12 December. 

When I first wrote the letters, I was trying to revive the blog and get back into creative writing. Little did I know that I wasn't the only person who needed reflective conversations. Each letter has brought an opportunity for conversations of healing, joy and an escape from spaces which suffocate us with the toxicity of silence and the inability to just talk about certain things that life and her lessons throw our way. 

I'm looking forward to the 2020 reflective journey and I trust that we'll walk it together.

Take care.

Linda 

Things we can't talk about

I didn't think that a month would pass before I post again. Life happened family. Like most things in 2020, things didn't go according to plan. This time it was a broken heart that kept me away. 

I've always been talkative. I used to get into so much trouble at school for this. For not being able to keep still, for questioning everything and for distracting others when we were supposed to be quiet. I was never good friends with stillness. It made me so uncomfortable. As a child, I ran in the opposite direction of it. In fact, I even got my act in order after an hour of detention. Gone are those days. As an adult, stillness and calmness are a dream especially when life is serving lemonade or putting you through fire.

A little over a month ago my family went through a horrific experience. I say "horrific" but it doesn't even come close to describe it. I don't know how to describe it. Times like this when I pull the "English is not my mother tongue" card and hope that it works in my favour. We found ourselves having to face a traumatic reality. There are days when I wake up and have to accept that we're living through one of our worst nightmares. It's painful.

This isn't the first form of hardship that we've faced as a family. Naturally, we've been through a lot. Just not this. If I didn't know any better I'd say that it's one of those few times when we've actually acknowledged the challenges of experiencing shared or collective trauma. It hit us differently. It continues to hit us at different intervals. It affects our mental, physiological and physiological systems differently. It triggers different things in all of us. Our solutions are different. Our anger isn't evenly distributed to the parties involved. Some of us have been open and expressive. Some of us soldiered and continue to soldier on in silence. I guess I can say our strongest common ground is leaving room for everyone to be different.

Ku rough guys! I must say dealing with collective trauma used to be a lot easier when I was younger. I was protected from the details. All I needed to know back then was that things were going to be okay. I cried and felt lighter. Things are completely different as an adult. Adulting just comes with a one way ticket to Responsibilityville and there's no return. Here, you can't wish things away or expect other people to come up with solutions. Here, you face adversity head on and you "adult". Here, you see how wicked and cruel the world that we live in is. Here, you see how systems run on unbalanced power. Here, you soldier on in pursuit of preserving your soul. Here, you need to act as a shield for others. Here, you know that it will take a little more than tissues and chocolates to make things better. Kubi bantase.

I've been trying to avoid toxic systems to deal with pain. Despite neglecting myself for a bit, I've been trying to be open about my feelings. I've spoken about what has happened. I'm trying not to bottle my feelings up. I'm making room for self compassion and for my people. I'm navigating through our differences and focusing on the root of our pain.

There are days, though, when I lose my smile and I'm consumed by anger. There are days when I just don't feel like hearing anything positive. There are days when I question the will God.

I'm sorry for my absence. I've been accommodating stillness. I've been working on my complicated relationship with insomnia. I've been adulting. I've been dealing with something that I can't openly talk about. This post is dedicated to everyone who is or has been in this boat.

May we continue to heal...

Conversations with friends - Receiving Flowers

I celebrated my birthday two weeks ago. Yes, I celebrated it. I decided that I'll put all things "adulting sucks" and Covid-19 realities aside for one day and just bask in gratitude and joy. 

There really aren't enough words to describe how awesome my day was. I received so much love and I'm grateful. What I can say, though, is how heart warming it is to receive flowers while I can still smell them. This post is an appreciation of everyone who made my day extra special.

May we stop to smell the flowers. May we laugh as hard as we cry. May we welcome the warmth of joy unapologetically because we know the chill of sorrow. May we find the balance...

S/O to Meerster RGM for the background track Appreciation feat. Bimenhle, Simba & Virgo. You can listen to the full song here.

Top 7

 It has come. The time has come fam. The time has come when I have to take a few breaths before answering the "how old are you?" question. I promise you I literally have those moments of silence when I remember that I'm not 25 anymore. Mind you, in my mind 21 still feels as if it was just yesterday. Where has the time gone?! 

Growing up, we used to play a game called Top 7. It was in Sesotho and we'd normally open a circle and chant "Top, top, top sevene" while clapping our hands. This was before one could share their relationship status on Facebook or upload #loveliveshere Instagram photos. Top 7 was a way of people knowing your business. It came in different variations where you had to answer seven "top" questions. I don't think I've ever been in a game which got to seven though. Nothing much but giggles usually came after "ujola le mang wama Top 7?" (loosely translated to who, in the Top 7, are you dating). I'm sure somewhere out there other people had another version and it made more sense. It didn't really make sense to me back then but it added colour to my childhood and that's all that mattered.

Today, as I begin a chapter I'd like to have my own version of a Top 7. I think I began a birthday tradition with Thinking Out Loud. This piece is me keeping it. Top 7 is another love letter to different versions of myself. I think there's nothing that says "I'm embracing the late twenties" like compiling a list of lies I believed, things I wish I knew and my hopes at being a better human being. I use song titles to package the messages.

1. Age ain't nothing but a number

People in their late twenties are NOT old. This must be one of the biggest lies that you believed. Unlearn this myth. People in their late twenties are very YOUNG at heart. Trust me.

2. Hakuna Matata

Girl, I'm looking at the coast and it seems like the height wish won't come true. It's okay. There's no problem with being a vertically advantaged person. You'll adjust seats and stand on "something". Let's keep the hope alive for the weight gain wish. I'm hopeful.

3. Don't stop believin'
Hope is that guest who came and decided to permanently move into your heart. Make more room. Don't stop believin' in things that add colour to this world.

4. Thathi sgubu
Make the most of the time you have with people. Time is so precious and limited. Live in the present. Try to express love and gratitude more. Create memories.

5. Ubomi abumanga
Older people aren't saints. Some older people will own up to this. Some won't. Some aren't even aware their toxic traits are hurtful. Some apologies will never come. Try not to give this area of your life too much energy. Move on.

6. When days are dark
Adulting sucks at times. I can't believe there was a time when I was looking forward to this trap. I wish I had read the fine print. Yhu!

7. Rather be
Your current chapter is interesting. You're treating self-love as a verb and you're healing from generational traumas. There's no other place I rather you be.

There's another game we used to play back in the day that used to fascinate me. It was in isiZulu. Don't really know the official name but, to us it was "isikipa ska". We'd open a circle (yes, we loved these lol) around someone and we'd chant: "is'kipa ska X es'balw' u7 siyang'caza ×2. Wang' bamb' amahlombe, wang' bamb' amafigure, wang' bamb amahips" (I like X's t-shirt that has 7 written on it ×2. X touches my shoulders, X touces my waist, X touches my hips). This used to be the ultimate hype game. We'd crack up so much. X would go around the circle and pick the next person by standing in front of them. Then they would touch each other's shoulders, waist and hips in sequence to the beat.

Today, it's like the universe represents X and it picks me from the circle after making a few rounds. She looks at me straight in the eye and tells me: "is'kipa ska Linda es'balw' u7 siyang'caza.

Happy birthday kiddo. Grab twenty-something by the shoulders, waist and hips...

Time out

It's been a while. I know. So before I proceed, please consider this as my act of contrition. Forgive me, dear reader...

Just so you know, and in my defence, the hiatus wasn't planned. I put off posting to take care of a crisis or I rescheduled meetings to record conversations because of time clashes. In other times my thoughts were too heavy to translate into words and I couldn't write. This cycle happened repeatedly and before I knew it I was officially hibernating and taking time out. 

I don't know what, or who, to compare my 2020 experience to. 2020 is like that girl who gives you a broad smile and draws you closer for a warm embrace only to place a dagger on your back. This year makes you feel like the "boogeyman under your bed" stories were true. I saw a meme where someone said it feels like we're living in the times of Jonah and someone needs to own up and be thrown out of the boat to be swallowed by the whale. I couldn't agree more! Lol

On a serious note, a lot has been happening fam and lockdown has added its own spin to things. This year is not at all what I thought it would be when it began. I've had the scariest and weirdest experiences. I've been adapting to amazing, and life-changing, experiences. I've been learning to let go of toxic traits. I've also just been deeply overwhelmed by the effects of Covid-19 on lives. Being an empath, who doesn't really know how to handle it, isn't the best of things to be during these times. I needed to take time out.

Being in hibernation has shown that we aren't programmed to have conversations about pain in our social circles. This isn't a new discovery though. I've always known this but, I just never knew the depth. I'm also not saying that we live in a society which is ignorant and not supportive. No. I'm just saying that I realised how we still deal with trauma, anxiety and depression as if they are myths. We walk around with identities carved by wounds for years and we're not even aware of it.

I must admit though, taking time out has forced me to be actively kind to myself by focusing on my mental and spiritual health. I've been practicing mindfulness meditation and attending a weekly homecell (prayer group) with friends. No, I don't have a TikTok account yet. Funny enough, I haven't even baked since lockdown began. I'm also so unfit I think a kilometre jog would feel like a marathon. I'll work on that when lockdown ends. In the meantime, I'm making the most of what life is offering and living each day seeking gratitude while praying for others to survive this storm.

I appreciate those of you who reached out to check if I was fine.

I hope that you're all keeping safe. I hope that you're holding on to hope and joy. I hope that you have spaces which allow you to breathe and express your pain. If you don't, seek them and be unapologetic about your journey. I hope that you're being kind others and even kinder to yourself...

Conversations with friends - Long Term Friendships

Happy Sunday family!

In this episode of Conversations with friends I feature my friend, Dakalo Muthelo. Dakalo and I met back in varsity and we've been friends for almost a decade now.

We recently took time out to answer questions about what has maintained our relationship, what we admire about each other and which lessons about life we've learnt from one another.

Part A

Part B

S/O to everyone  who sent through questions and Meerster RGM for the background track Appreciation feat. Bimenhle, Simba & Virgo. You can listen to the full song here.

Freedom

It's Freedom Day in South Africa. This day was set aside as a public holiday to celebrate a new Constitution and the first non-racial elections which ushered in democracy back in 1994. Today the country is currently in level 5 lockdown as part of the national government's fight against Covid-19. It's been a month since lockdown was officially implemented. It's been a month since I couldn't really dodge the politics of my being.

I've always been intrigued by the manner in which people refer to politics. You know how they go on about how politics are complex, how politics are a "dirty game" or how all is fair in love and politics. My other favourite one is "there are no permanent enemies in politics". They were right! Now they were all referring to politics in general. Imagine how complex it becomes when one is dealing with politics of self. Hold that thought. Now add this variable: imagine how it's like handling politics of self during lockdown? It's lit!

First of all they are ungovernable. Politics of self are a combination of a monarchy, dictatorship with a dash of democracy. All in one. This being a figurative representation of the various states of being that your mind goes through.

Secondly, you're forced to face the capitalism of anxiety, uncertainty and the frustration of things being in the air. Let's not forget the changing of plans. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has even forgotten how plan A looked like. I'm still bummed it didn't happen, don't get me wrong. The realist inside me just moved on to B then C then D and so forth. Trust me, she's also exhausted. Lockdown has slowed me down so much that I'm forced into reflection. Honest reflection where I introspect and like a typical Xhosa mother I'm forced to "spring clean".

Yes. I've asked God where He is. Calmly at the beginning of it all because I felt like He didn't hear my "You've got this, right?" question. This must have been between plan A challenging into an unexpected Plan B on the "this was supposed to be happening now" list. I'm not sure. I reached out to Him again when I felt completely helpless. Things were getting out of hand. I was exhausted by everything on the outside at this time. What Covid-19 meant to my continent, country and community. The lead theme of these conversations was definitely "Thixo, uphi? Uthulele ntoni bawo?" (Where are you God? Why are you quiet?).

In the midst of the battle of noise and the stillness Psalm 46:10 found me. "Be still and know that I am God".

It turns out that He's been talking back. The noise was too loud and distracting for me to hear. In the stillness of it all I discovered that the Peter within me had been denying the presence of His grace. My inner Thomas had been too fixated by signs and certainties. Did my frustration and uncertainty make a louder noise than my song of praise? How did I think the valley of the shadow of death look like? Was the "niks sal my ontbreek nie" (nothing will break me) verse from the Psalm 23 song, which I sang in primary, a typo?

Do you remember how I selected Psalm 115 as one of my personal themes for the year? I forgot this at some point and I lost a grip. Thank you for the "proof of address" department that handles mercy and favour deliveries in heaven. That department makes sure that God's love locates you wherever you are.

As it stands, level 5 of lockdown is set to end later this week in my country. I'm not holding my breath. I'm looking at Plan G with a side eye and I'm trying to make peace with the possibility of Plan H coming into play.

As today draws to an end I think my inner politics are unanimously agreeing that freedom is a privilege. One I've always had. Freedom is not found in the absence of adversity and uncertainty. Freedom is learning to find your rhythm and dance to whatever beat the drummer of life decides to play. Freedom is kindness to yourself and obedience to the laws which govern your being which are liberating in every sense of the word.

It turns out that I needed stillness to remind me of this...

Conversations with friends - Lerapeleng

Happy Sunday family!

If you're a new visitor, welcome to the club. If you're a regular, I'm glad that you found your way back.

I made a promise on my social media platforms that I will work on being more consistent here. This includes regular posts and adding multimedia. Today I'm introducing a new segment called Conversations with friends.

This episode is a conversation I recently had with my friends Ipeleng and Lerato Motloung aka Lerapeleng. They're no strangers to the blog. You'll remember that I once shared the speech I made at their wedding with you. You can read it here. In the video below we talk about all things love, overcoming challenges, life and her lessons.

S/O to Meerster RGM for the background track Appreciation feat. Bimenhle, Simba & Virgo. You can listen to the full song here.

Days

Quick question before you read further: when you saw the title, did you think about that popular soapie we were all too young to watch but did anyway? Be honest lol.

If you're a regular here, you'll know that I'm based in South Africa. A warm welcome to you if you're new or reading from another side of the world. Our government decided to place a 21 day national lockdown as one of the measures to fight Covid-19. During the lockdown our president announced that there would be a two week extension. When this happened I didn't change my phone calendar. I think I forgot to. So on the last day of the initial lockdown the "Lockdown ends" alarm went off. And yes, I'm not mentioning the actual dates because a lot feels gibberish at the moment. I tend to keep away from numbers when that happens lol. So on the last day of the initial lockdown I put this together:

Yesterday was one of those "oh well!" days.
Tomorrow is going to be another one of those "supposed to be" days.
Today, like many days lately, has been one of those "ipehe hantle motase" days...

I think those three sentences come close to describing a portion of how I feel about everything that's going on. I say portion because I just get overwhelmed, and heart broken, when I think about Covid-19 and it's impact on lives. I'll keep those heavy thoughts to myself for now.

I don't know how other people are experiencing lockdown but time is so fluid and strange. It feels like it's moving the one minute, then it feels like it's completely still and then before I know it I notice how the uncertainty of what's to come just continues to pile up. I make the most of the opportunities to meditate, read and have reflections to keep calm from it all. At times though, the silence feels like that one time I landed in detention back in high school - unwanted torture.

Lockdown is bringing out the best and worst in me I tell you. It comes with liberating freedoms and uncomfortable truths.

When it all began I couldn't wait for it to end. I had this long list of "things I need to do" and "places I need to be". Most things on that list were driven by denial I tell you. I've also been tempted to hop onto the "first things I'll do" or "food I'll eat" after lockdown" train at some point. Are you laughing at me or crying with me at this point? 😩😂

The silver lining during every meditation is the opportunity I get to connect with myself. I've made a promise to myself that on each day I'll find something to be grateful for and that I'll be kind to myself by letting go of the illusion of "normal". I'm learning to embrace and enjoy the fact that 2020 is redefining a lot of things in my life. I'm learning that silence and stillness offer so so much. Remember that I have "breathe" as one of my themes for the year? I don't remember being this loyal to a theme.

I don't know how everyone else is experiencing lockdown on spiritual and emotional levels. I can only imagine how challenging it is. I do hope that we all get to do it on our own terms and paces. I hope we let go of other people's projections. I hope that we get to nurture self love.

Oh, and the voice over guy from that soapie I mentioned earlier was right. I'm never looking at hourglasses the same after this lockdown...

The "lentiest" of them all

Tjo!

Lent 2020 was lit. To say the least. It felt like some Snow White spin-off. One where all my previous Lent seasons had gathered around the mirror asking it which of them had been the most hard core. 2020 won. She is the undisputed champion. She is, by far, the "lentiest" of them all.

I form part of the population who grew up watching Kung Fu, Rocky, Chuck Norris and Van Damme movies. I don't remember much from those story lines. I didn't need to know much. All we were interested in was how our favourites, which we fondly called "istarring", would win over the bad guys. That and trying to remember the moves which we could copy while playing. Yes, I was a bit of a tomboy back then.

I've been thinking a lot about that version of myself. I've been pondering on how she had hope despite how badly her favourite character got a beating. She had hope that they would complete the mission, which was normally some revenge pursuit, and that they won't die. "The starring never dies in a movie. Keep watching", she would tell herself. She never had to think about the characters who had to die when the movie began or those deaths that had to take place in order for the plot to thicken.

I've been thinking a lot about that on the last few days of lent. This thought dawned on me when I felt like I was not a "starring" in my own life. I felt like an extra in a movie. On the surface this was a joke that came up during a few conversations. The reality of the situation is that this "joke" pretty much sums up the lesson I've been trying to avoid all Lent.

My Lent 2020 has felt like a mixture of scripts from so many movie genres. One where a genie grants wishes. One where you make emotional goodbyes. One where you let go of what you've always known to embark on an adventure into the unknown. One where you narrowly escape from being a subject of those murder investigation programs or femicide headlines. So much drama in 40 days!

In the midst of all that an unexpected villain made an entrance to the scene. Yes, I'm referring to the Voldemort that the entire world is facing. Covid-19 makes Thanos feel like a wannabe. It makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a horror movie shoot. Only this time nobody yells "cut!".

Lent 2020 was rough. Life continues to be a challenge. I'm struggling to stomach her lessons. To be honest, I don't think that I've ever been this fragile. The only thing I'm clinging on to now is hope and faith. I'm watching this movie and I keep affirming myself that istarring asifi (the starring doesn't die).They did say that you only need faith as small as a mustard seed. Right?  

The David vs Golaith face off

Lent is almost upon us. Two more sleeps and then I get to walk around with ash on my forehead. Two more sleeps and then I'll brace myself for the stares in public spaces. I've grown accustomed to this. Maybe because I get distracted and a lot happens on Ash Wednesday. From me remembering to fast from meat on the day to my system adjusting to the new liturgical season. Lent for me is when the annual ultimate David vs Golaith face off is in full swing.

I think I learnt about the Easter story and the story of David and Goliath before I learnt about Lent. I'm not sure which came first. Must have been Easter though. Yes, maybe the eggs had more to do with it than anything else. I'll admit to that. I'll also admit that it was a while before I even got to understand Lent. I grew up in a Catholic home and the church is really big on symbolism. So I was aware of how church was different. Back then I probably knew it was before Easter if we had to go around the church and hear how Jesus got to get on the cross. I found that so exhausting as a child. I kept asking myself if we couldn't just skip to the part where elders didn't get too emotional while sharing the word.

Well, a couple of seasons later and the picture is different. My understanding of Lent and Easter has developed. I can safely say that it is an ongoing journey that continues to take up different forms of my self discovery and self love journey. I worry less about avoiding a weird craving for steak and kidney pie or Chicken Licken on Ash Wednesday. I think I gave in after noticing that I almost always remember halfway through indulging in the meal. In recent years I've also abandoned the "things to keep away from this Lent" list. Those lists are worse than new year's resolutions I tell you!

Lent, the period of 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter, is a whole new board game when the adulting clock starts ticking. It got a whole lot tricky when I began the self love and healing journey. Lent is a David and Goliath face off because I go into it with trying to be a better human being after the season. In recent years I've been trying to give up my insecurities and self doubt for Lent. I think this year I'll throw in a toxic trait or two in there. Now that is messy. To say the least.

This face off story is one of the biggest of all time. I guess it's told to us to prepare us for enormous challenges which we will encounter which make us feel small and insignificant like David. Insecurities and self doubt fall right into that. The toxic traits are just a culmination of "self defense" methods. What I've learnt is that this is almost always the case because I seek validation from sources that don't even speak to my inner truths. I want universal acceptance of who I am while I don't even fully understand, let alone accept, myself. I hide behind "humility" while I'm basking in disobedience of who God has called me to be.

I've shared offline before that I'm not a Christian because I've got it all figured out. I'm a Christian because I'm trying to navigate through all my trials and errors. The beauty of this season is that the meditations act as a mirror on the wall that reveals it all. Even the stuff denial allows me to cling to. I see my scars and I learn to love them. My inner David remembers her worth, her inner being and her vocation. On each day I consciously fight back at Goliath. It's funny how life throws in the hardest lessons during this time.

Needless to say, I keep my reflections to myself during this time. I will return to sharing my thoughts after Lent. I hope that the conversations on #lifeandherlessons continue in our private conversations. Those are golden.

I'm praying for everyone who will be observing this season in preparation for Easter. Love and light on your fast. May your David defeat your Goliath. To everyone who won't be observing...wish us luck! 

On this day

A letter to who I will be (18/02/26) from who I am (18/02/20) and who I was (18/02/14)

I’m quite an observant person but there are some things I miss from my immediate reality. I guess this is when I close my conscious eyes off. I’m pretty sure I do this subconsciously and it speaks to how I’m generally wired up. I don’t know. What I do know is that this happens in all spheres of my life and it varies in depth and magnitude. For instance, how and when I notice the things I’ve been missing also has many facets. These range from downright hilarious to sad and emotional.

I’ll never forget how I did a story on an exhibition by veteran photographer, Omar Badsha. The one detail I missed from one of his photos was the reason he took the photo in the first place. My favourite feature of the photo wasn’t his. We all interpret art differently and the people who offer it have made peace with this. My point, about this post, is that sometimes we also miss the foundation of our characters because our focus is elsewhere.

Today, I realised that I also do this with myself and some of my character traits. I noticed this after I came across a Facebook memory from 6 years ago. It reads as follows: “What sucks about a double edged sword is that it’s advantage is also it’s greatest weakness #lifeandherlessons”

First of all, let’s forgive younger version me for the typo and grammar mistake. It must have been hectic back then. Yes, typo mistake. I’m pretty sure younger me knew the difference between a contraction and possession lol. On a serious note though, wow! Initially, I was just startled at just how I could be so deep back then. I say so because I think I can safely say that that version of myself hadn’t really felt all these fire blows that life throws at you. In all fairness, she had her own fair share of challenges. A feeling that overwhelms me right now is how much I just wish she knew worse was coming. I say so also because I know just how many mistakes she made.

So I don’t quite remember the context of that post. I think I was navigating through handling friendships. I think back then I was realizing that not all strengths are good when you’re juggling relationships with others. Oh boy, do I know this now. Now I’m also aware of some of my own toxic traits…

It’s so peculiar that I came across that particular memory today. Today on a day when the current version me is questioning that version of myself and some of the decisions I made. I guess the lesson life is teaching me through this today is that sometimes, and sadly most times, we go on without paying attention to our personal truths. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to the signs from our inner beings and gut feelings. This could be for various reasons. Whether we’re not conscious of who we are, whether we’re still dependent on how others define us or how we’re just not ready to confront our personal truths.

A message to whichever version of myself I will be on 18 February 2026: I hope that I did not hop off the self-love train before getting to you. Whatever happens, please understand that what I do now may not be the best thing for you but it is for me. I hope you’re still looking forward to other chapters with excitement. I hope that you’re at peace with me as I am now as your past version. I hope that you are present.

2020, is that you?

You know those few minutes you go through after waking up from sleep? When you're slowly regaining consciousness and departing from the flight from dreamland. They vary from time to time depending on the kind of dreams you've had or how you woke up. Sometimes they are abrupt and rushed. Sometimes they are gradual and unrushed. The latter are my favourite for so many reasons. I guess its because I was deprived this joy growing up. Growing up in a Xhosa household leaves little room for "getting up at your own time". So I enjoy waking up gradually as a tribute to my childhood self.

Settling into you, 2020, feels like waking up gradually from a much anticipated sleep. I couldn't wait for 2019 to end. I just wasn't ready for you to begin either. I think my system needed to go into limbo and recuperate before hopping into your treadmill. We're almost through your first month and my system is only coming around now. It's like I'm only hearing the birds chirp and sing outside my window, feeling the warmth of the sheets, curiously trying to remember my dream and pretending like time doesn't matter. 

Putting together the Letters to 2019 series was such an insightful and relieving experience. One I really needed. There was so much I wanted to say, so much I managed to say and so much I kept to myself because I couldn't articulate my emotions. Deep down I feel like I need to visit the last few months of that year and get them off my chest. Hopefully then I would have the words and courage to. In the mean time, I'm grateful for what I could do. Even more grateful for the conversations I've had with you Life and Her Lessons (LAHL) family after each post. These were amazing. I appreciate them so much. I hope that this year we will continue to take bold steps to discovering our truths. 

As you know, I'm not big on new year resolutions. I find them tedious and most times when I had them, I forgot them halfway through the year. I joined the yearly themes WhatsApp group a couple of years ago. My themes for 2020 are: No, Breathe and Psalm 115.  No is based largely on tightening boundaries around my self care journey and learning to be comfortable with them. The adulting gig has taught me that each year comes with its share of hiccups. So I won't be wishing for smooth sails only. I just need to breathe through the bumps you'll bring 2020. The scripture anchor is an interesting one. I initially picked Psalm 23 but decided against it during the day when the universe took me to Psalm 115. This was the first scripture I ever shared at bible sharing back in primary. I had forgotten it and a part of me feels like I need its anchor this year. Coming across it somehow feels like my younger self was reaching out to me and giving me a huge hug. Psalm 23 isn't lost though. It remains an anchor with one of my closest friends. We need goodness and mercy to usher us through. 

The year has been busy so far. This despite me being in denial of stepping into the treadmill. My family received a much anticipated miracle, I went on a self care adventure and I also actively took a step outside a very long standing comfort zone. Yeep. All that in the few days that have passed. I'll tell you all about them later. The experience at the top of my mind now happened while I was using a public bathroom a few days ago. I stumbled across something interesting at the back of the door. It was a clean page where people wrote motivational notes to one another. Someone even replied back that a message stopped her from committing suicide. Let me add some context, this bathroom is located inside an examination center on campus where tests and exams are written. It lies at the heart of the varsity beast where students go through the most. I will never forget how I failed a test dismally at this very venue back in undergrad. So these care notes are gold. They warmed up my heart on so many levels. We go through fires and storms in order to bring hope to others. Our consciousness is woken up in order for us to awaken others. We are because so many before us were. 

I think now I can safely say that my entire system has accepted that its in a new cycle. I'm awake and I look forward to filling your remaining blank pages 2020. Be kind...