Letter 16/20

 Dear 2020, 

Sikwi last days ngoku! (We're on your final days!). Yes, I substituted last with final in the loose translation. isiXhosa just has that "thing" that English just can't capture.

It's your last Sunday 2020. It didn't feel like a Sunday at all. Sunday hasn't felt like Sunday in a very long time. It still remains my second favourite day of the week though. It's peaceful. It's "easy". Yes, Lionel raised us well. Sunday has a very calming effect that I can't describe. Mass brings joy. The naps are a mandatory tradition and they slap HARD! The only thing sad about a Sunday is that you're just closer and closer to the next day. The one that begins with M. Sigh! 

I haven't been to mass in a minute. This year takes the cup. It's been so frustrating. I must say, though, it was necessary and it couldn't have come at a better time. I've always heard the criticism towards Christianity that we do things out of routine and that we don't live the values. This has come up from introspection during prayer groups and people from other Faiths. It's true! While routine is good, it's dangerous when we lose touch. When routine falls out it is also as if we get out of balance. There's beauty in returning to the balance. You see your short comings. You understand scripture better. You become more compassionate to yourself and others. You miss being with others. You miss fellowship. It's a rollercoaster.

Something I've also had the chance to do, during this time, is to truly appreciate how different people are. To truly reflect on what it means to be a black, African and a Christian. To gain strength from other religions and their teachings. I think I've mentioned before that experiencing Ramadan changed my entire outlook on Lent. One of my meditation anchors taught me a thing or two about Buddhism. Most Atheists I know have remarkable values. I've learnt so much about protecting my energy and lessons from the universe from those who believe in astrology or choose to not confirm. My experiences with African spirituality, especially during this time, deserve an epistolary of its own! Why can't we all just get along? I guess we're too focused on being the "better" or the "best" or the "only" truth.

2020, thank you for helping me redefine who I am...

Letter 15/20

 Hello 2020

It's your last Saturday!

I normally do the playlist on the last Friday but Christmas ended up taking over that. So here we are.

We've already established that home girl has two left feet ne? So let's not dwell on that on this letter. Let's focus, rather, on her love for music. I love music. All genres. I must say that country and choral are my least favourite. It doesn't help much that most of my faves are so into these genres. I blame my beef with country on my mother. Yhooo. She would repeat songs so much that, yes, if the artist could they'd ask for water. Then she'll expect all of us to sing along. In retrospect, I was too young to understand the lyrics. What did I know about anchors and troubled winds?

The beef with choral is very personal. So I grew up in a community where choral music is part of life. Choral competitions and concerts were also a big thing. The concerts I'm talking about also double up as entertainment fundraisers slash auctions. So people can stop the performance, at any given time, using money to make requests or comments. Money talks during these request stops. So the highest "bidder" gets the final word. I used to dread these moments. It took forever for me to get the movements right and I had stage fright. Yikes. Bottom line, maybe the world could be a better place with less choral music? Yes? No? I have no beef with all the other genres. Those can stay. 

The playlist is just a collection of songs that have tugged at my heart strings and made me dance. They've given me joy, peace, taken me to places I'd been and made me just believe in the magic of life. I love them for different reasons. The messages and stories they convey, the memories they hold and the conversations they remind me of. Yes, I'm one of those weirdos who associate people with songs and memories. 

Before I share my 2020 list, I'd like to make a major shout out to Jerusalema. It was on my 2019 playlist and it's grown big. Well done to Nomcebo and Master KG! 

Without further ado, and in no particular order, here is my 2020 playlist:

1. Ubomi Abumanga - Sun-El Musician ft. Msaki 
   My ultimate "life goes on" pick me up for 2020. Didn't get it at first but when I did, it knocked me to my knees. This is for everyone who had major blows and Ls this year - the sun will shine. Ubomi abumanga! 
   
   
2. Ke Star - Focalistic ft. Vigro Deep
   I STILL don't know the actual lyrics to this song. I've made peace with the fact that I don't want to. I always pray it doesn't play in public because I might just be brave only to end up regretting it. Oksalayo: yho yho yho yho yho yhoooo!
   
   
3. Ntandane - Vusi Nova ft. Somizi
   LOVE. LOVE. LOVE this rendition! I'm obsessed with just how much the past is still breathing. I love what they've done with the song. The message still holds, thank you to our care-givers for the tough love lessons. They've really molded us. To those who've passed, your love lives within us in ways we can only imagine.
   
   
4. Molo - Aubrey Qwana
   This has been a very tough year on friendships. I've sadly lost a few. Reconnected with childhood and varsity friends. I've also come to appreciate the ones I have remaining. All I can say is, appreciate every moment. Also, "ngibonga abangasekho. Ngibong' idlozi lami". I'm so thankful to those who came before me.
   
   
5. Imali eningi - Big Zulu ft. Intaba Yase Dubai Ricky Rick
   In South Africa there's this long standing stereotype that Xhosa women love money and are the ultimate gold diggers. Let's just say that this song was the ultimate revealer. Turns out, MOST of us want the same thing. I'm still waiting for people who want stones to put their hands up. Thank you, Big Zulu. Ngiyabonga Nkabi!  P.s low key wouldn't mind doing the #DuduzaneChallenge!
   
   
6. Mamela - Mi Casa
   Another magical piece from Mi Casa! LOVE everything about this track. It gives me butterflies...Need I say more? 
   
   
7. Ngibambe la - Mthunzi ft. Claudio & Kenza
   This song just summarises one of my favourite days in 2020. Golden memories...
   
   
8. Ndikhokhele Remix - Jub Jub & the greats
   What a beautiful song. Absolutely love jamming and praying to it. Dear God...
   
   
9. Obani lababantu - RIP GeeSixFive
   Firslty, this song is dedicated to friends of mine who believed this song defined their 2020. Secondly, our dreams are valid. Lastly, who are these people?!
   
   
10. Di Boya Limpopo - Master KG ft. Zanda Zakuza & Makhadzi
    I've always loved Makhadzi. I remember years back when I was asking my friend why she hasn't blown up. I'm loving her blow up and I'm here for her rise. This track is a hot one. Absolutely magic!

There are two songs that didn't make it here. I'll probably get grilled for them but...I'll take the blows later. In the meantime, enjoy the playlist...

Letter 1/20

 Dear 2020, 

I don't even know where or how to begin my conversation with you. I've been dreading it. I've been dreading it since this year took a very quick left and became the craziest I've ever seen. I bet 2019 laughed in our faces while we bid her good riddance on some "you ain't seen nothing yet" tip.

You know how they say that it takes a village to raise a child? I think discovering this is how and when I learnt the art of avoidance back in the day. I was a little bit mischievous. Yes. Only a tiny winsy little bit. Every time I got into trouble I'd almost wish that both my parents were present so that I could be punished once. Worst case scenario was getting up to mischief while I was out and about and the elder who punished me promised to tell my folks. I'd mull over it. Wonder which part of my body would be attacked or which privileges would be revoked. The village had its cons!My mother once went through a phase of asking us to pick our branches for punishment. Now that was tricky. I've always known how to dodge my father though - make sure you're closer to the nearest exit during the confrontation. Just in case. 

All your exists were closed 2020! Girl, you weren't even kind enough to make us pick our own branches. You just hit us with a snowball of curves and we just had to dodge, duck, take the jabs and...survive. You were also kind though. I'll give you that. You were kind enough to reconnect us with parts of ourselves we had lost touch with. You've shown us new depths of gratitude. You've, and continue to, make us aware that plans are subject to change and that guarantees are a luxury. You've taken. You've given revelations. You've brought change...

I never really have a formula for these conversations. The main goal is to reflect on the year that has been and the lessons imparted. It's hardly ever a walk in the park and I don't expect this series to be. All I can hope for is presence and sincerity from my side.

I'm looking forward to sharing the journey with the Life and Her Lessons (LAHL) family. This blog has been a safe space for conversations we hardly pause to have in our daily encounters. As the year draws to an end, I look forward to finding meaning from life and her lessons with you all...

Top 7

 It has come. The time has come fam. The time has come when I have to take a few breaths before answering the "how old are you?" question. I promise you I literally have those moments of silence when I remember that I'm not 25 anymore. Mind you, in my mind 21 still feels as if it was just yesterday. Where has the time gone?! 

Growing up, we used to play a game called Top 7. It was in Sesotho and we'd normally open a circle and chant "Top, top, top sevene" while clapping our hands. This was before one could share their relationship status on Facebook or upload #loveliveshere Instagram photos. Top 7 was a way of people knowing your business. It came in different variations where you had to answer seven "top" questions. I don't think I've ever been in a game which got to seven though. Nothing much but giggles usually came after "ujola le mang wama Top 7?" (loosely translated to who, in the Top 7, are you dating). I'm sure somewhere out there other people had another version and it made more sense. It didn't really make sense to me back then but it added colour to my childhood and that's all that mattered.

Today, as I begin a chapter I'd like to have my own version of a Top 7. I think I began a birthday tradition with Thinking Out Loud. This piece is me keeping it. Top 7 is another love letter to different versions of myself. I think there's nothing that says "I'm embracing the late twenties" like compiling a list of lies I believed, things I wish I knew and my hopes at being a better human being. I use song titles to package the messages.

1. Age ain't nothing but a number

People in their late twenties are NOT old. This must be one of the biggest lies that you believed. Unlearn this myth. People in their late twenties are very YOUNG at heart. Trust me.

2. Hakuna Matata

Girl, I'm looking at the coast and it seems like the height wish won't come true. It's okay. There's no problem with being a vertically advantaged person. You'll adjust seats and stand on "something". Let's keep the hope alive for the weight gain wish. I'm hopeful.

3. Don't stop believin'
Hope is that guest who came and decided to permanently move into your heart. Make more room. Don't stop believin' in things that add colour to this world.

4. Thathi sgubu
Make the most of the time you have with people. Time is so precious and limited. Live in the present. Try to express love and gratitude more. Create memories.

5. Ubomi abumanga
Older people aren't saints. Some older people will own up to this. Some won't. Some aren't even aware their toxic traits are hurtful. Some apologies will never come. Try not to give this area of your life too much energy. Move on.

6. When days are dark
Adulting sucks at times. I can't believe there was a time when I was looking forward to this trap. I wish I had read the fine print. Yhu!

7. Rather be
Your current chapter is interesting. You're treating self-love as a verb and you're healing from generational traumas. There's no other place I rather you be.

There's another game we used to play back in the day that used to fascinate me. It was in isiZulu. Don't really know the official name but, to us it was "isikipa ska". We'd open a circle (yes, we loved these lol) around someone and we'd chant: "is'kipa ska X es'balw' u7 siyang'caza ×2. Wang' bamb' amahlombe, wang' bamb' amafigure, wang' bamb amahips" (I like X's t-shirt that has 7 written on it ×2. X touches my shoulders, X touces my waist, X touches my hips). This used to be the ultimate hype game. We'd crack up so much. X would go around the circle and pick the next person by standing in front of them. Then they would touch each other's shoulders, waist and hips in sequence to the beat.

Today, it's like the universe represents X and it picks me from the circle after making a few rounds. She looks at me straight in the eye and tells me: "is'kipa ska Linda es'balw' u7 siyang'caza.

Happy birthday kiddo. Grab twenty-something by the shoulders, waist and hips...

Letter 7 of 19

What's good 2019?

It's been a week since our conversation started. Seven days. You know how this number is notorious for being a symbol of perfection right? Today I'd like to reflect on how you've helped me to further unpack a lesson I've been learning for the past decade.

One of my favourite songs is Mackay Davashe's Lakutshon' ilanga. I believe it to be composed back in the 50s. It was made popular by Miriam Makeba and has had so many covers over the years. Words to describe what this song does to my inner soul have not yet been discovered. It does the things! It's a love song narrating how when the sun sets the singer will go out in search for their lover. Knowing our South African history I can't imagine how families went in search of their loved ones after riots and random searches. Most families are still  in search for their loved ones to this day.

One of the elements that tug at my heart strings about this song is how it encapsulates the motivation of searching for a loved one. Healing is like that long lost lover that I've realised I need to search for.

I commented on a stranger's post with one of my deepest thoughts yesterday. He was sharing how he was on a self discovery journey and how it began after he discovered that he didn't know himself . Deep. Right? I didn't reply immediately. I first liked it, went about my business for hours and finally gathered the courage to say it. 

This what I poured out: "Wow! In 2009 I wasn't aware I had scares to heal from. In 2019 I use terms like self-care, triggers + boundaries. I'm unapologetic about my pursuit of healing. I hope that in 2029 I'll stare into the mirror and thank myself for this decision.  Love & light on your journey...". Worry not, I corrected the scares typo to scars as soon as I noticed lol. 

I was no stranger to bagging scars while growing up. I have so many from various adventures like learning how to ride a bicycle, attempts to jump barbed wire gone wrong, pushing brick cars around sand pits and falling while running. I fell so much. This is how I got my nickname in high school. I remember tripping and falling while dashing to greet my aunt. It hurt and I bled. My cousin and I were cracking over how I managed to get up and keep running to notice her worry and concern. She scolded us over this. Back then, when you hurt and bled you were attended to. It was okay for you to cry, pause, clean the wound up, cover it up and move on. Right? 

In recent years when I began acquiring emotional scars I got the wrong formula to fix them. I hardly cried or paused. I nibbled on "be strong" tablets, quick fix clean ups and that ointment called "moving on". What a trap! 

The beauty of emotional scars is that they come with the privilege of privacy from worried and concerned eyes. Nobody hovers over you like a hawk. Nobody stares at you and asks what happened. You even forget that they are there. This beauty is short lived when you realise that, like physical scars, you need to cry, pause and clean them up properly. 

So what happens? Well just like Davashe's says, when the sun sets you go in search for your lover.

As you draw to an end 2019 you symbolise the sun setting on a decade. I'm going out in search of pieces of myself that have been hurt and need healing...