Letter 21 - Kind regards

 Dear 2021,

I hope this last letter finds you well.

We have reached the "so what Linda?" stage of our conversation. I'm no stranger to this stage. I actually always look forward to it when I listen to people deliver their speeches. In the end, I'm almost always left with how I felt. They were right, people hold on to how they felt instead of what was said.

On your last day, I'm reflecting on how you made me feel. I'm actually zooming into why I felt that way, how I feel today and what I'd like to feel as I step off your timeline.

Firstly, you served me truths I wasn't ready for. You've opened my eyes to perspectives I wouldn't have been exposed to had I remained in my comfort zone. You've toughened me up...

Secondly, you've made me realise that at the end of the day a grateful heart is all that matters. I'd pick grateful over bitter any day. I'm grateful for my village, the rough patches and all the touch downs.

Lastly, you've made me aware that healing is messy but very necessary, that self love wasn't built in one day and that Hope will always be an ally.

The beautiful thing about each last day is how quickly it goes by. So I probably won't notice you slip away 2021 and that's a good thing. I've said enough over the past few days. I'll hold my peace for what's left unspoken between us.

Oh and one more thing, 2021, you've made me value life and her lessons. I'll forever be grateful. Thank you.

Kind regards

Linda  

Letter 20 - Top 10 playlist

 What's good 2021? 

It's that time of the year. The race for the song of the year is on, the social calendars are packed and people are just in celebratory mode. Today's letter continues one of the long standing traditions on the blog. The playlist pays homage to songs that made the year more colourful.

I looooovvvveeee music. You've seen how I use it as a reference in my writing.  Love listening, love butchering lyrics and I love dancing to songs even more. The latter may not have many witnesses. I'm not bad shame. I think. For street cred reasons, however, wouldn't ask my family and friends to vouch for me. 

Music plays such an essential role on the healing journey. It's such an amazing companion. So many relationships I have with people are anchored on songs that remind me of them. 2021, I'm thankful that this is one of the things your timeline hasn't wrecked. It remains an anchor.

Putting this playlist together was a bit tricky. It's been such a big year for Amapiano. The genre deserves a standing ovation of it's own. Wow! If I wasn't careful, it was going to end up being a Yanos hit list. So, I ended up taking the "balance" route and while making my selection. 

Without further ado, get out your dancing shoes and let's have a party! Here is my top 10 playlist for 2021.

1. Nobody - Malome Vector
   This song just makes me so nostalgic. Never mind that I almost mistook the music video location for one of the villages back home. Nobody takes me back to #FeesMustFall - the lighter side of things. It's beautiful to see representations of black love. 
   
   
2. Mukutsuri - Brenden Praise ft. Mpho.Wav
   I liked this song even before I knew what it meant. Still don't know the full meaning. Still butcher the lyrics but, ok'salayo! Something about the way it moved me. Really enjoy jamming to this song. 
   
   
3. Ghanama - Makhadzi ft. Prince Benza
   Heyi! 
   
   
4. Siyathandana - Cassper Nyovest ft. Abidoza & Boohle
   Is there anyone who doesn't like this song? All the combos are communicating here. I've had it on replay so much. Low key reminded me of my self love journey and how home girl has "too much sauce". 
   
   
5. Dream about you - Lloyiso
   Yhoooo. Lloyiso is so talented guyzini. This song is a dream on its own. Yes, pun intended and everything. It has such an old school feel, a soulful touch, and a futuristic element to it. Yeah no, this one is a winner. 
   
   
6. Fire In The Ghetto - Kwesta ft. Troublle 
   Kwesta is a gift that keeps on giving. I've told my friends that his work moves me so much that I think one could write an entire thesis unpacking his genius. This is me putting it out to the universe. This song is proper heat - or whatever is said on the streets these days. 
   
   
7. Adiwele - Young Stunna ft. Kabza De Small
   This one holds quite a few memories on the 2021 timeline. I guess it's a sound track to my stomach in moments. Ndifostile ke kulonyaka (I've forced my way this year). Here's to all those moments when I entered like an elephant...
   
   
8. Asibe Happy - Kabza De Small & DJ Maphorisa ft. Ami Faku
   What a jam! It felt different each and every time I listened. I could go on the whole day about how it has touched and moved me. For the sake of this playlist, however, I'm reflecting on how I got to unlearn what I thought happiness was, redefine what happiness is and accept that these definitions will transition just as the seasons do...
   
   
9. Impilo yase Sandton - Kwenyama Brothers & Mpura ft. Abidoza & Thabiso Lavish
   Ishuuuuuuu. My ultimate fighter this one. I've played this song so much that, if they could, they would have asked me for water. What a song! What a masterpiece! The lyrics! This song just encapsulates my relationship with Hope. 
   
   
10. Osama - Zakes Bantwini & Kasango 
    I've been wondering how I would describe how this song makes me feel for a while now. Then a video of a little girl singing went viral. See how she is? That's exactly how I feel. This song is magic. It moves you. Yer! What Zakes and Kasango did here can never be undone. Ngeke. Hands down, without a doubt, my song of the year. Guys, this is my crossover song...oh hoo hoooooo

A standing ovation for all teams that put these killer jams together. Your work has made the 2021 load a lot lighter. Thank you for the music...

Letter 19 - After robot

 Good morning 2021,

Two more sleeps and you'll be gone. Yay. Nay. I don't know. I'm glad we're at the end. I'm just not looking forward to the next cycle. Will it be 2020 in a Peruvian wig this time? That 2020 too meme doing the rounds isn't helping either.

I was watching one of those old school movies some time ago and I noticed something. So vele vele (really) in other parts of the world a taxi is occupied by one person? Like there's so many of them, looking like a swarm of bees, just for individual rides? I don't get it. Here in South Africa a taxi ride is an entire experience. More like a cardiac exercise especially when you're unfamiliar with the route. Let's put the sitting in front and having to count the change aside. I don't even want to get into the amount of times I've been squashed inbetween other passengers because "ndisis'slenda" (loosely translated to having a small body). Let's talk about when you have to get off and then you have to shout out "after robot". Yhoooo.

Thing is home girl's voice gets squeaky when she's nervous. So having to project isn't my favourite thing to do. Especially when the driver is playing music. I enjoy taxi rides when there is a good Samaritan who helps with the "after robot driver".

Today feels like an after robot day. I'm thinking about all the Ls and times when the robot was red. You were hectic 2021. I can never say it enough. I'm thinking about those amber moments when it was just still and quiet. I'm also taking in all my green moments. I really need to let those soak in for longer..

Letter 18 - Will

 Hello 2021,

My last theme for your timeline was Will. This theme was a combination of "laughing at will" and "where there's a will, there's a way". At least that's what I had in mind. Life decided to put it's own spin to it and I found myself dancing with the will of God over my life.

You know that friend that sometimes takes time to get the joke. Then she ends up laughing at it the longest? I may be that person. Okay, I've been that person once. Okay. Twice. Okay, maybe I've lost count. What matters is that I'm not always that person. Most times I get the joke immediately. Then I just laugh once and I'm done with it. Lol.

I will never forget how I almost missed a "laughing at will" moment. I was so confused. I turned to a friend and asked him, "Buddy, who's Will?". That has been the actual joke since then. The person who was sharing the lesson on "laughing at will" has since passed on. It's almost been seven years but I still can't get used to it. Not when memories of him are so alive. Not when eating his favourite food has become sacred. Especially not when I still feel like calling him when life is so messed up that "laughing at will" seems impossible.

I don't remember how I was taught that "where there's a will, there's a way" perspective. I think it was a combination of teachings from many people. One of them who left to be with those who came before us. I had a moment this year that I wanted to share with her so badly and I couldn't. It hurt a bit but I was happy. I was happy because I knew she would be too. I will never get used to the weight of her absence but the warmth of her love still keeps me warm.

2021, this theme felt like adulting was showing me the highway at some points on your timeline. My take away is how I got to bounce back - reflecting on lessons from those who are no longer with me with a dash of minor adaptations for myself.

Laughing at will doesn't remove the obstacle, it just shifts your perspective. Where there's a will, there's patience, self love and a couple of back up plans...

Letter 17 - It takes a village

 Hello 2021,

We're finally on your last week. Yay!

Holiday mode has finally kicked in. Yes, we're in the zone when we don't care much about what's happened and still not in the mood to worry about what's coming. I guess this is when we can actually rest. The thing about this period though is that it doesn't last. So I'm taking it all in.

There's something about village life that just never leaves you. Those things that qualify those "you can take her out of the village but, you can't take the village out of her" labels. Having a sense of community is one of them. I guess the sharing aspect of it all. People coming through for your celebrations. People bearing your burdens. Sharing in the most purest, non consumerist or even toxic aspect form. Okay it's not all rosey. I know. Let's face it, things do go left in the lali (village) that leave a bitter taste but, I'm not there today. You've done enough of that 2021.

They were right when they said it takes a village to raise a child. We aren't islands. If there's anything that you've done, 2021, it's to show me that. I may have had more hibernating, AWOL or even MIA stunts on your timeline than I've had in previous years combined. Your heat kept me away from so much but those times were so revealing.

This letter is dedicated to moments on your timeline when it took a village to get things done. If anything, it is a shout out to each and every individual who crawled, walked, jogged, ran, drove or even flew with me this year. Even the ones who just stood there with me while I was catching my breath.

I'm thankful for each cheer and each conversation where I could vent, offload or just let you know I'm tired. I'm fortunate to have shared in your joys, your wins and your comebacks. I feel blessed to know that my own wins made you happy as they did me. Let's do this again next year. Shall we?

2021, thank you for the village...

Letter 16 - Psalm 143:8

 Blessed morning 2021,

We're on your last Sunday. Let's go to church. 

It's funny how the pandemic has influenced how we go to church. Before, one simply attached physical presence to the buildings. Now, church is at the convenience of where you are.

My spiritual anchor for this year was Psalm 143:8. What a walk. Yes. Pun definitely intended. This theme almost gave me those "new year resolution" vibes. I didn't exactly, or completely, forget about it. I just lost touch with the reasons why I picked it. Life tends to do this. Thank you to grace for coming through for me though.

This year has been a reminder that there will be times when we question the will of God. Times when we feel discouraged and that He isn't there.

2021, you've made me aware that we need blessings to guide us with our blessings. Blessings to make us aware of how blessed we are, blessings to help us manage when our blessings are overwhelming and blessings to keep our thankfulness tanks filled. 

Letter 15 - Stomach in...

 Merry Christmas 2021,

"It's the most wonderful time of the year", they say. Remember I mentioned that this season is a bit different as an adult? Well, the adulting package comes with the awareness that this time of the year also comes with triggers, loss, rough patches and loneliness.

One of my themes for your timeline was "Stomach in...". The complete phrase is actually stomach in, chest out. If you completed it when you first read this, how are those back pains? Which home care routine do you follow for easing them? Lol.

This was such a mantra back in the day. I remember it was one of my elder cousins who taught it to us. Thinking back, even though she was laughing while she said it, it felt like she was passing down something to the next generation.

I had a feeling this theme would be tricky. It was exactly that and more. I got to question so much "truths" I grew up with. I got to question so many things which society deems as normal, while they aren't. I've outgrown parts of myself I never thought I would. I've also just learnt how much of a trap "Stomach in...chest out" is, especially this time of the year.

"Stomach in...chest out" is one of the enablers of people suffering in silence. It adds to people not feeling comfortable to speak about their pain. It creates the illusion that the grass is greener on the other side. It also just isolates us, even from those who would not turn their backs on us.

Sending love and light to those spending their first Christmas without a loved one, those who've had a rough financial year, to those who chose peace instead of triggers, to those who are alone and those working so hard to hide the heaviness of their hearts. This season will end...

To those who are happy and merry, I pray you hold on to that joy. May you spread it and bring hope to those who truly need it during this time.

2021, during your "stomach in, chest out" days I got to accept that pain and happiness are just like the sun and the moon. They are connected in a weird way. I've also accepted that it is okay to feel both at the exact time...

Letter 14 - Me and Mkhovisto

 Hola 2021,

Ugrand? It's Friyay. Let's do a flashback Friday relfection today.

My parents, like so many, liked sending us to run errands and chores. There were ones I jumped to. There were once I made excuses not to do. Then there were ones I tried to wish away too. They didn't go away. I dragged my feet and got them done. Between you and I, 2021, that's when I started doubting the legitimacy of this "make a wish" business. It didn't exactly happen as it did on TV.

Fast forward to your timeline when Mkhovisto decided to pay me a visit. Just before my letters. Yer! Mkhovisto is one of the nicknames that we South Africans have given to Covid-19. Yeep. It's what we do here.We manage to find humour in every situation. If a silver lining should be found, send us to locate it. I used to be proud of this trait. Now, the mere thought of it overwhelms me because I know it masks so much trauma. Sigh.

I've been dragging my feet with this reflection. I've wished having to write about it away. I've been conflicted about how to approach it. I've also just been going around in circles while reflecting. Bear with me.

I tested positive for Covid-19 earlier this month. It's weird how it happened during the Omnicron conversation. I tested positive right when some parts of the world were reminding Africa just how little they regard her. Nothing new here. It just slaps a bit differently when you're part of the statistics. It's just also weird how it happened when I least expected it to. In all fairness, I thought that 2021 was done serving me heat. Heyi, was I wrong or was I wronger? Yeep, I was as wrongest as I could ever be.

The experience sucked. Wouldn't wish it on my least favourite person on this planet.

2021, I'm grateful that I discovered truths of my own or truths pertaining to me during this period. They're right when they say you should present early. They're right that during this time you need to be kind to yourself. They're right that being vaccinated helps. My symptoms didn't differ much from my vaccination side effects. They were just amplified. They're also right that each case is unique. So there aren't really much "one size fits all" solutions. I had to take each day as it came. I say each day like I was able to keep track. In the end, the medicine intake, and check ups, helped me keep track. You get my point though.

I'm thankful too for the gift of life and those who walk with us.

Dear anti vaxxer reading this: No. This isn't a paid advertisement. No. I'm not trying to convince you to change your mind. Yes, I vaccinated and still got it. Guess what? I may still get it again. Most importantly, yes, I may also have a microchip inside me already. I'm really counting on the system to go offline like it always does...

Letter 13 - Forever young

 I'm running out of ways to greet you 2021. Honestly, aren't we at the end yet? You're starting to feel like Januworry.

Today, I'd like to dedicate an ode to my palate and everything in my being that governs my taste.

To you, oh great forces which govern Linda's childish decisions,

When you walk past a jumping castle, may the urge to jump on it never leave you. One day you'll be brave enough to gate crash.
May your love for cream soda always leave your niece puzzled. The fact that you resist that ice cream/ cream with sprinkles on top should be enough of a hint to her that you too qualify to drink it.
Once in a while, mix different flavours of chips, marshmallows and sprinkle peanuts with raisins in a bowl. Don't forget the fizzy drinks. It's not your fault the 90s defined this as the ultimate platter.
Wear that denim on denim and those Disney inspired tshirts proudly. Some fashion trends should never go out of style. Yes, you'll look like you're still a teenager. You're still young at heart, right?
You've got no control over how quickly time flies. Make the most of it. Remain forever young.
Long live dear spirit, long live!

Oh 2021, I could go on and on but let me mind my manners. This is still your timeline.

Anyway, your timeline has made me aware of something. Not sure if it's normal when 30 comes knocking but, it's still valid. You've made me aware that we spend so much time focusing on "getting older" that we hardly pause and enjoy being young. Mgarimbe did warn us with Sister Bethina! 

Letter 12 - Die huis brand

 Hello hi 2021,

Disclaimer: I never imagined that I'd one day be those embarrassing adults who enjoys being on the receiving end of iirastation (recitations). I am here now and I totally understand why they did it. I understand why we had to repeat them over and over...

Elder people used to have such a fascination with us performing iirastation. I got used to the drill very quickly. Linda, yizo kwenza  iirastation zakho ezase skolweni (Linda, come and performan your recitations from school). I never needed to be asked twice. Yes, I was such a forward child. I liked poems, singing from time to time and definitely reading. Caught the bookworm bug very young. I'd get applauded. If the guest was really kind, the applause would come with some incentives.

Fast forward to when I could request for iirastation. One of my requests always stands out. The performer chose to sing uMzi watsha / Die huis brand (the house is on fire) in isiXhosa and in Afrikaans. They did it so well. What I could never get over though was how they altered one section of the lyrics which changed the meaning of the song altogether. The lyrics changed from "...die vuur, die vuur...gooi die water..." (the fire, the fire...pour the water...) to ndifile, ndifile...gooi die water...(I'm dead, I'm dead...pour the water). I've been in stitches since then. It never gets old.

2021, I'd be rich if I were to have a penny for every time my house was on fire on your timeline. If we smelt like our problems, I'd have a signature Fire & Smoke scent. During your toughest moments, that rastation would come to mind and I'd also sing along to the ndifile section. Most of the times, the humour of it all would catch up with me before I could feel pink. Grey is too beautiful a colour to be used to describe anything sad. I refuse. So, yes, cracking up from ndifile came through before feeling pink kept me sad and down. Yer, 2021!

Your timeline also took me back to what Pastor Pushie Watson once said. "Just because I've been through fire, it doesn't mean that I should smell like smoke". I felt that when she said it at an auditorium full of women. I feel it at my lowest times. I feel it even more when I dance with Grace and Hope.

Thank you for the hard times 2021. Yes. You heard me correctly. Thank you...

Letter 11 - Ready or not

 Hello 2021,

I'm already at that time of the year when my finger Maths is coming in handy. So, if this is letter 11 it means that I can count the number of remaining days with my hands ne? Countdown vibes. Yaaaas!

We call hide and seek uNdize? (Should I come?) where I come from. Growing up, we played uNdize in isiXhosa or in Sesotho. I preferred the Sesotho version. Mainly because you could give a number one had to count to. Then you had enough time to run and hide. Despite being a fast runner, I wasn't good at hiding. So this bought me time. Fun times I tell you.

I can't remember when I last played in a game with others. Once adulting comes knocking, you realise that one of the fine prints is constantly playing hide and seek with your problems. Ku tricky. Ku tense. Ku wow!

2021, you've definitely been a "ready or not, here I come" type of girl. I'm sure you get the "hide" part of it all. There were days when I've just felt like hiding. There were days when I had to adult and couldn't. Then there were those blissful days when I successfully managed to hide. There were times when I thought hiding meant weakness. Not this year. I found strength on days when I just let the world be.

Your timeline made introspect on the "seeķ" element of it all. What exactly do we "seek" when we feel like hiding? I didn't like my initial answer. Worked on it to a point that when I asked myself again...I was at peace. At the end of the day, that's all that matters.

When I first played hide and seek, I used to be bothered that I wasn't too good at hiding or finding everyone. Until it hit me: technically you only need to stress about finding one person. The rest of them are just potential hiding spots for later on. Confronting our problems as adults isn't so different from this now, is it?

You've recycled this lesson over and over 2021. Danko mogirl. I get it now. Problems will come whether I'm ready or not. Where I choose to hide and what I choose to seek should keep me afloat until the next problem comes...

Letter 10 - Nostalgia

 Dear 2021,

How are you doing this morning? Monday ne. Yho. This day really needs a facelift. Maybe, just maybe that it becomes official that it should be a half day? Yes. No? Anyway, let's get down to business.

I'm putting today aside to reflect on nostagic moments on your timeline. I tend to be such a sucker for those moments. Thinking back to yesteryears. Moments that were so hilarious I  couldn't stop laughing. Moments that changed or shaped my perspective on certain issues. Moments when I had no care about the realities if this world.

One of the gifts the Covid-19 pandemic has blessed us with is the gift of keeping in touch. Through games, challenges and long video calls that have been like a lifeline. My participation in the challenges goes as far as watching them. The games, however, I played one or two. My favourite was when I asked friends on WhatsApp to send through comments if they wanted me to let them know which songs reminded me of them. It's a thing I do. I attach songs to memories I have with people. I bet I'm not the only person who does this. It makes life quite interesting. Adds so much colour.

If my childhood Christmas memories could have a soundtrack, it would be mostly Brenda Fassie. So many of her songs take me back there. Back to people I grew up with too. It's that time of the month when December is starting to feel like December. Only thing that sucks about the adulting package is that the Ts and Cs are in caps.

What is life without these nostalgic moments though? The trick about them though, is to snap quickly out of them and return to the present. People aren't who they used to be. I'm not who I used to be. That's just how life is.

If you've taught me anything, 2021, it's that one should seize the day. One should hold on to happy moments. One should bask in warmth as it happens. Reality is that as warm as nostalgia makes you feel, those moments belong to the past...

Letter 9 - Ok'salayo

 Happy Sunday 2021,

I come on a very peaceful note this morning. You know Sundays are my favourite days of the week. After Fridays of course. But still. I'm easy like a Sunday morning...

Let's dedicate today to the Ok'salayo moments on your timeline. If we're being honest, since it's Sunday and all, your balance is on the negative side of things. Luckily for you, on good days I'm those "the glass is half full wethu" type of people.

If you're from my corner of the globe, you're familiar with Ok'salayo used as a proverb on the streets. If you're not, worry not, I got you. Ok'salayo is in isiZulu. A direct translation of it means what remains. On the streets, however, this is what they mean:

"Regardless of all facts presented before me, I reiterate that my misinformed, obscure perspective is still valid whether you like it or not."

Remember the fitness journey I mentioned the other day? It's a tricky one fam. There are days when you are on top of it. Then there are days that show you flames. I normally do the 5K but if I go on a break for long, 2K feels like 20K. Then those oksalayo moments come in. Regardless of my legs failing me...I push on until the finish line.

The Ok'salayo card is one of my favourite cards to pull during debates. It's hilarious especially because it brings out so much humour that you even forget what the actual debate has been. Why can't we all just get along anyway?  Lol.

I could  list other examples but the main highlight has been the revelation that God's love is a consistent ok'salayo. This has brought stillness and calmness when your timeline was unpleasant and unkind.

2021, You've schooled me on just how important these Ok'salayo moments are. Disappointments will come. Plans will change. Loss is inevitable. There will be days when you question your dreams. Ok'salayo...what remains is what you choose to remain...

Letter 8 - Standing ovation

Good morning 2021,

Relax mntase. I'm not coming with those Take a bow vibes. No. No sarcasm here.

I choose to dedicate today to days on your timeline when I was blessed with art. This post is a standing ovation for everyone involved in putting together magic that I binged on for hours this year.

I've been so captivated by the storylines. I've marveled at the meticulous execution of the actors and actresses. I've even gone as far as to scream at the screen like my aunt used to back in the day. I've been entertained shame. Today I just want to say, what your teams have done to these productions can never be undone. Shine!

My Top 4 2021 stan list, in really no particular order, is:

eHostela - Season 2
What a wow! I have no words. Every person brought it! This season moved me more emotionally than the first. I truly appreciate the framing of storyline. What I appreciate even more is how one gets to be schooled about parts of this country from a unique perspective.

Abomama - Season 2
Yho. Yho. Yhoooo. I couldn't stop binging. The talent of this cast is mind blowing. Loved the storyline. They embodied it so well...I could go on and on. What I took from it as a mere consumer is that some people are called into acting. That's the only way to describe that level of talent. Jonga it was good.

Did Asavela Mngqithi not complicate my life? Mogirl how are we supposed to be focused when the villain becomes a fave? Order!

How to Ruin Christmas: The Funeral
Bel die polisie! I want to report a crime. Ngeke!

All the combos were communicating here. The storyline, the soundtrack, the performances...did I mention the soundtrack?

Loved every single minute of it. I could watch it again and again and again. To laugh at jokes again. To hunt for punchlines I've missed. To marvel at talent. Okay, there is a high chance that I will. Kodwa you guys get the point ne? It's that good.

The Wife (Hlomu)
I. Am. HOOKED! 

The series got to me first. Then I couldn't help myself...I went in on the books. I am currently recovering from yesterday's brief binge and snuggled up with Mess (Book 5). Yes, I've read all of them in less than a month. It's not me guys. There's something about storytelling done right - I can't get enough!  Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is for Showmax to upload a shy 6 episodes. A modest 6 nyana wena father Christmas. Where do we post these letters to you?

You may have given your blows 2021 but, for others you were a game changer. My standing ovation goes to these killer productions that made you less bitter.

In closing, I'd like to borrow the main lines from Zola's song X girlfriend. Manimbona please nimtshele ng'sam khumbula namanje (When you see her, please tell her I still miss her). Let's spin than a bit for the standing ovation list. Friends, friends of friends, former business partners or acquaintances of people on my stan list: Please tell these artists that I'm such a STAN!

Letter 7 - Cela nithi hooray

 Hello 2021,

They say we should celebrate all our wins. Even the small and those seemingly insignificant ones. It's Friyay and I'm choosing to say: yaaaas!

I come from a community that's big on celebrations. People come together to share your joy. They come bearing gifts, they ulilate, dance, feast and get merry. I'm no foreigner to the concept of celebrating. So let's get to it...

In recent years I've been on a "road to 10K" fitness journey. What a tricky thing. Guess what? I reached 10K on your timeline. It was everything I thought it would be...muscle aches and all. I was so happy though. Still am. The cherry on top was that I had a really meaningful women's day.

This is post 100 on the blog. Yaaaas. We've come this far. I say we because it took the courage of a community to get me here. I'm raising a glass for this win. Here's to all the typos, the punchlines that landed well and the space that Life and Her Lessons has been. Camagu!

The last wins are actually a collection of moments. Moments when I beat the alarm to it. Moments when I took less time to get ready. Moments when I was unapologetically kind to myself. How can I forget that moment when I stood on that scale and I had FINALLY gained weight?! 

One more thing, 2021, you've made me realise that I'm blessed to have a tribe that celebrates my wins as their own. A pack which knows that my joy isn't a threat to their delays or denials. Family who appreciate that these wins are the fruits of seeds sown in sacrifice and tears.

So with that being said 2021...ndicela uthi hooray!

Letter 6 - Reconciliationville

 Yes, yes, yes 2021!

We're going on a road trip to Reconciliationville today. It's tradition. One of the longstanding traditions on the letter series. Every year we pack our bags, hit the road and go to this place. The mood this year is set on a Sana lwami tip. As in ndiqunjiswa nguwe. Andfun' nokncunyiswa nguwe! (You've made me upset. I don't even want to smile because of you!)

2021 you have been the problem that's kept asking "what's the problem?". You mogirl. The problem is you. Your timeline has been a problem.

Some of my most memorable road trip moments were somehow mired with drama. There was a time when I got a tire puncture at night. Then there was that time when I ended up squashed at the back seat of a long distance taxi that ended up getting lost. There was also another time when I almost died in another country because our driver was so inebriated he almost tipped the car over. Heyi. To go is to see. To see is to go.

You've felt like those road trips all in one 2021. Especially on the reconciliation front of things. I feel like I had a tire puncture on my notion of villains and heroes. I've felt squashed, and suffocated, in between conflicts. I'm grateful though that your timeline has shown me that I used to give so much power over my peace to others. You schooled me to fight back for that. Thank you. 

2021, you've been crappy but I definitely know that reconciliation is a journey because of you. One that begins with me being at peace with myself...

Letter 5 - Sigh

 Hello 2021,

I care very little about how you are doing this morning.

Ever noticed those moments when hymns hit so hard that you end up being numb? I say moments because it isn't everyday that we become numb. A lot happens in a church setting when music is concerned. Sometimes it's the beat that draws you in. Sometimes it's the lead singer's command of the tune that catches your attention. Sometimes it's someone rescuing you from a sermon that could have gone on for longer. Sometimes it's like you're hearing those lyrics for the very first time...

If I were to attach a song to my moments of numbness on your timeline Lekunutung le Morena would be befitting. Not the part about how nice it is to be in the presence of God. No. The part about how I'd tell Him what's bothering me about the world. Okay I wouldn't talk much. My head would spin so much. Then I'd go numb...

We live in a world which normalises violence towards those who we deem weaker or different from us. We live in a world where debates about how to be politically correct when having these conversations is more important than collective solutions. We live in a world where lives matter most once they've been lost. We live in a world where people choose to suffocate in silence instead of speaking out. Just in case their pain is silenced or even erased.

I don't need to go any further. Do I? We all know what I'm talking about. Those "numbers" are the people we love. We are numb because we couldn't protect them. We are numb because we know we're likely going to be next. We are numb because we've talked so much...

2021, I've sat with the pain of this reality on timelines before you. I've sat with the pain of this reality on your timeline. My heavy heart knows I'll sit with the pain of this reality on timelines long after you're gone.

Sigh...

Letter 4 - Humpty Dumpty

 Hi 2021,

Ugrand? Today let's talk about my Humpty Dumpty moments on your timeline. Okay. Maybe one. We don't want to be exposing me now. Do we? 

This was one of those nursery rhymes I didn't quite understand. I liked it though. I sang along too and just moved with the flow. Deep down I kept wondering who the chap really was. Why was he on the wall? How exactly do you fall from just "sitting"? I think I settled to him being an egg. When eggs are broken, nothing much can be done. In hindsight, why would they have us sing about a helpless situation? Could this be the fine print about adulting that I missed?

So I wasn't exactly sitting on the wall when I met my fate. I was "technically" walking down stairs. It was drizzling too. I was walking down the stairs, carrying a black plastic bag on each hand and...next thing I knew...I was at the bottom of the stairs...

If you're cracking right now, I forgive you. I've told this story so many times and people didn't believe me. Not until they saw my bruised leg and how dark it got over time.

In my defence, I had received my second vaccination shot and the side effects were at peak. I was just in denial of the fact that I still needed to rest. That denial cost me street cred. I won't get into the comments from anti vaxxers. Yer!

There were no King's horses or King's men when I had my great fall. Nope. Just the stairs and those black plastic bags that I couldn't just leave there and go sulk.

Life is also like that. We won't believe that you're wounded. Not because we don't sympathise. We do. There are just some things that you go through alone. Only the scars will be left to help you tell the tale.

2021, you've served quite a number of these Humpty Dumpty moments. Ones I can joke about. Ones that I can't bring myself to think about without getting emotional. Ones I'd rather never relive. You've served them enough for me to be glad that I ain't no Humpty Dumpty...

Letter 3 - Audacity

Good morning 2021,

Today let's talk about my encounters with audacity and provocation on your timeline. Too many to count. Yer, I get hot flashes just by thinking about them.

I'm a middle child. This comes with multiple super powers. I've discovered that one of them is the superpower to detect "tests", temptations and provocation. I can spot provocation from kilometres away. This ability helps me calm down, dodge the attempt and move on peacefully. Sometimes though, sometimes provocation comes at you at a whopping speed of 260 audacity per hour. Yes. Think about it. You blink and then there it is. Totally unprovoked. Nothing prepares you for that shock!

2021, you've made me aware that this is such an Achilles heel for my ego. When provocation comes at me sideways I am always, okay maybe mostly, tempted to tango with it. Show it that I too can kwasa kwasa. This year though, I just found myself dumbfounded. I promise you, I've frozen most times when the audacity of provocation waltzed in front of me. Dodged it like I did those plastic and pantyhose balls we used to hit each other with back in the day.

One of my biggest provocation this year was a build up of events. At their peak, I found myself asking myself if I had done anything to "deserve" such bs treatment. The answer was an immediate no. Calming down, however, took a while to do. I guess that's what happens to a lot of us. Doesn't it?

I came out of that reflection with this: people fight wars we know nothing about. Being the dumping site of their frustrations doesn't necessarily mean that we are the root of their inner conflicts.

2021, it feels like you and my ego went out on a long strall. It discovered that there is beauty in humility. Especially during moments when we feel entitled to anger...

Letter 2 - eThembeni

 Happy Sunday 2021,

Let's talk about hope today. Let's talk about how your timeline has proven to me, time and time again, that for me hope comes in the morning. I have no qualms with joy coming in the morning. It does. Hope just beats joy to it. Beke le beke!

Hope is like that friend that you have but you can't pin to exactly when you became friends. I have a couple of those. They are normally the ones who come and just stick around. The interesting thing though, is that you never stop wondering when the friendship began.

My brother's name is Themba. It means hope. I've almost never used the name to call him. The ten, almost eleven, year gap between us has always required a prefix. We are big on prefixes here in Africa. So, I call him bhut'Themba. I guess this was my first encounter with the concept of "hope". I've always seen it from an authoritative perspective. Adulting is making me appreciate the authority is currently holds.

2021, your darkest pages made me stick close to my friendship with Hope. Hope is fierce and unapologetic. Hope is kinder than my inner critic. Hope is bold enough to stand up to anxiety when life gets lit. Hope consistently shows up for me. Hope has my back.

I have one regret about our friendship. I regret that most of the time, I'm hoping against the negative. I'm hoping against a bad day or things going wrong. I wish I could lean towards the positive. To hope that I make the most of each day or to hope that I am kinder...especially to myself. To hope that I accept things as they are and not as I think they should be.

On a lighter note, I found so much solace in the "eThembeni" state of mind. Dankie Mpura! Let's keep this one for my stan list. 

That being said, 2021 please help me raise a glass to my dear friend Hope. She is always right...

Letter 1 - iiNerves

 Dear 2021,

First of all, I YES you. You were a film! Yho.

You remind me of a time back in rural Eastern Cape when elders used to tell us we are giving them "nerves". I didn't understand the Queen's language much back then to even directly translate. I didn't need to. "Undenzela iinerves" (You're giving me nerves) simply meant we had to go and cause havoc elsewhere and leave the adult in peace. The mere thought of your timeline just makes me wish I'd slightly shut my eyes, give you a stern warning look and tell you undenzele iinerves.

Not that I haven't told you this. I'm currently working through one of your episodes. "iiNerves" are on peak.

Of all the years, you've made me question my chosen themes the most. You showed me so much flames that I'm just considering having "just make it out alive" as a theme for 2022.

Will. What will? What way? Adulting has showed me the high way so many times.

Stomach in...yhu! I knew this theme would be tricky on the relationship side of things. 2021, your timeline had me question so much. Like, when exactly did they conclude that blood is thicker than water? Was it before Jesus turned water into wine? Did it have anything to do with H2O as a chemical formula? I know it was definitely before they invented sparkling water. Has to have been because wow!

Psalm 143:8. Heyi. It's like my soul knew. This reminder was crucial. Did i not forget it when it mattered most?! Kodwa ke we all know that He's got a humbling way of getting our attention. Doesn't He?

Okay okay. I won't just be complaining during this series. That being said...you've schooled me on gratitude. Not the one we do for the gram. Nope. The kind that wets your pillow at night. The kind that motivates one foot to move after the other. The kind that reminds you that you aren't entitled to luck and grace. The kind that reminds you of the journey your ancestors took for you to be where you are. The kind that makes you understand why healing is important in order to live fully.

We've had a hectic ride 2021...

Letters to 2021

Hello. Hi. Hi. Hello!

I have a love hate relationship with that salutation when it's used as an ice breaker. Found it interesting when I was on the receiving end of an audience - especially a cheerful one. I hated how it exposed my squeaky nervous voice when I was a presenter - especially when it was difficult to gage if the audience was excited or not. Typing it is a relief. I imagine you responded cheerfully.

This post comes bearing good news. #LettersTo2021 launches on 11 December. Yes fam, we doing it again. I know that for most of you the #Letters series are your favourite time on the blog.

I take it that some of you are new to the #lifeandherlessons space...welcome! I started writing a reflective epistolary at the end of 2018. Since I'm a Netflix and chill junkie I just simply refer to the collection of letters as a series. You're just in time for Season 4. If you can't wait, feel free to binge read the previous years.

2021 has felt like 2020.2. I promise you home girl just stepped aside and came back in a different wig. So much has happened and I'm looking forward to reflecting and unpacking. I need a hectic offload before the next cycle begins.

#LettersTo2021 will also come with a series of conversations with friends on various social media platforms. The line up looks quite exciting and it will definitely extend to the meaningful conversations we have after each letter. While the invitation to come on as a guest to these live sessions is still out, I know most of you prefer having private conversations. Reflections about life and her lessons are sometimes so heavy, sensitive and private to the extent that they leave us vulnerable. So, worry not. That space will still be there for us to offload. The conversations are just making the circle bigger!

If you're new, I promise that it isn't always heavy. There will be time for humour and banter. I promise. These reflections aren't always heavy but they are just real. Adulting is the pits and sometimes there aren't enough flowers to decorate the mess.

If you don't want to miss out on the interactions on social media, follow me on these platforms:
Facebook: Life and Her Lessons
Instagram: @adnilfekisi

Thank you so much for the support throughout the years. May #LettersTo2021 continue with the tradition of normalising reflective lessons. See you in December 😀

300

Fam. It is I. I come back. I return. I emerge from my mgowo induced hibernation. I decide to check up on how you, my homies, are doing.

First things first. What came to mind when you read the title? Money? The movie? The fact that we are currently on day 300 of 365? For me it's ALL OF THE ABOVE! My strength, however, only allows me to delve into two.

We've survived 300 days of 2021. Just 65 more days left before we bid this year farewell and begin another cycle. It's been such a ride. The way things have been going this year, especially recently, I feel like I am one of the 300 Spartans. Yes. I do.

I'm at that weird cross road part of the year. When there's so much that still needs to be done. Yet there isn't so much time to do it. My inner soldier is thinking about previous victories and how I've faced similar battles in previous years. The other part of me is just sitting here and thinking how we sometimes undermine the honour of just basking in "things not going as planned". Oh you know. Just like we enjoy sun basking. Only this time, appreciating the different "heat".

Ku rough bantase. If I could, I'd just copy and paste the Things we can't talk about post from last year and just say I'm going through 2.0. This time around, however, life is teaching me that maybe we can talk about things. The timing of it all is just important. Timing and accepting them for what they are instead of what we wish they were. Timing, acceptance and letting go. Letting go of truths that no longer serve us. Timing, acceptance, letting go and embracing uncomfortable uncertainties. Life will always throw in those surprises.

I hope that you are well and that you are being kind to yourselves. I hope that you make the most of the remaining 65 days of 2021.

p.s The #Lettersto2021 series begins on 11 December. Stay tuned 😉

Day 265 of 365: 100 More

Hello fam!

It's been a while. Do I need to perform the usual act of contrition after being MIA or do you already understand? It's been so lit.

Does anyone remember the advert that had the "I would walk 5000 miles and I would walk 500 more" as a theme song? It's at the back of my brain somewhere. Like so many other things these days. I don't know if it's one of those side effects of adulting or if it's just fatigue. I can't even remember what was being advertised. I just remember singing along to it back in the day. Why this song? We are on day 265 of 365. Yeeep. 2021 only has 100 days left...

I. Am. Tired. My moeg se moeg is moeg (very loosely translated to the tired of my tired is tired). That's the standard answer I give these days. I've given it so many times and yet I still feel like I haven't covered the depth of the fatigue. This year has been such an exhausting one for me. It has been exhausting in all aspects.

You know how the first 100 days of a year are all exciting? Well, the newness of it all. How one is still amped up by the themes. Things take such a detour after that. Then they spiral and spiral and spiral. Before you know it, you're on day 265. Then you have 100 more days and then the year is over. I'm not Deborah Cox but I promise you I'm on some how did you here tip. Yhu.

This is the worst season for the self love journey. I find myself being so unkind to myself lately. My reflections aren't about how far I've come or what I've managed to accomplish. No. I'm being pulled towards how many hit and misses I've had. I'm thinking about projects I've abandoned, had to put on hold or are struggling with. That and just life serving lemons and pills. The latter being literal! I'm trying to refocus how I measure productivity. My current measuring units tend to be on the toxic side of things I tell you. The pots are refusing to do the things to be done. It's such a crappy phase!

I hope that 2021 is being kinder to you.

Ordinarily, I keep my lows to myself. I just thought I'd put this one out there for people to understand that storms and lows come for us all. You are not alone.

During this season I'm learning to embrace the shadows that come along. I'm acknowledging how it's taking me a while to unlearn a few things. I'm also patting myself on the back for putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm praying that the universe revives my inner courage for the last stretch of this year. I'm hoping that I allow the sunshine in. I'm looking forward to the days when the power of my black girl magic is on beast mode!

For now though, I feel like butchering the lyrics of that 500 miles song. Allow me to unapologetically sing "I will walk 100 days and I walk 100 more...ta da lala la. La la la la la" 🤞👣

Snakes and Ladders

 Haaaibo...Good morning! 

Yes, you should have read that exactly in that viral Tik Tok that's keeping us entertained on this side of the world 🤣.

I started a tradition with Thinking out loud. Top 7 followed suit last year. Snakes and Ladders is me sticking to a good thing. If you've read these pieces, you'll probably guess my age accurately. If you haven't, I suggest you do yourself a favour and read them before you go any further. Really? Yes. Trust me. It will be worth your while.

Today is the one before the big one fam. Today marks the beginning of the last lap before venturing deeper into Adulthoodville. Today is one of those moments which I would normally overlook. Much like those views I only notice after years because my focus has been elsewhere. I guess because of that, I'd like to reflect on things I feel like I've overlooked this past decade. 

As you know, these birthday posts are conversations I have with who I used to be, who I am and who I dream of becoming. 

Dear Linda, 

For you, Hope comes in the morning. Hope continues to show up on days when joy feels like a foreign concept. Hope has taught you that joy isn't the absence of trials, obstacles and missed deadlines. Hope comes in the morning and it holds the space when a lot of things don't make sense. Appreciate this more.

Don't forget that the commitment to praise God comes right before the declaration of how you are fearfully and wonderfully made. There are so many answers that come from praise. Honour this commitment. 

It isn't really that friends are few when days are dark. Friends are few, because they too are in the dark. Friends are keeping to themselves because their own loads are a little bit more heavier than they can carry. You can only hope that they know they can count on you to carry it with them. You hope, even more, that they forgive you on days when you can't show up for them. Don't lose sight of this. 

Be fair to father time. He does wait for man. He waits for women equally too. Yeep, he's not the discriminating type. Jonga, that guy is very inclusive to all of us. Let me make my point before I get sidetracked by all things patriarchy. Time does wait for us. We just always tend to think that we have more time. Now that's where it gets tricky. So make the most of each season you enter baby girl. Soak in the warmth of each joke, heart to heart and aha moment that you receive when you exchange energy with people. Why? Those tend to keep you warm when cycles come to an end. Accept this.

They mean well when they say that "Dynamites come in small packages" while encouraging you. You just don't see yourself as small anymore. I'm not saying that Imposter Syndrome doesn't show you flames from time to time. It does. You're just content with your size and it isn't small. Dynamites come in all packages. Even packages which still look for deals in the kids clothing section. Remember this.

As you enter into this chapter, chin up and tell that "things to do before" list that life is just like Snakes and Ladders. There are parts of you that are still haunted by those snakes which swallowed you and dragged you back. There are parts of you that are so grateful for the ladders that pulled you up when you least expected it. At the end of the day, you've never appreciated the gift of life as much as you do now. Forgive yourself for not being where you thought you were supposed to be. Trust the process of who you are becoming. Be unapologetic about this. 

Happy birthday to you kiddo! 

Ulala njani

Have you seen the ulala njani ungena x? (How do you sleep without having x?) trend making the rounds on social media? On my side of the world the question is normally followed by whatever life goal or status that you are aspiring towards. It moves from ulala njani ungena R50 000 in your bank account / any fancy gadget / degree. The list is endless. Bottom line though is how do you sleep without x?

My relationship with sleep is one that has transformed throughout the ages. When I was younger I used to dislike sleeping. I didn't get why they would even force us to take naps during the day. In an interesting turn of events, life has made me value sleep. I love sleep. I sleep for fun. I look forward to sleeping. Sleep is one of my favourite pass times. Sleep became even more precious after I was exposed to unfortunate things in life like insomnia. What a pain!

It's no hidden secret that these past few months have been a dribble. I find myself in an on and off hassle with ulala njani ungena x? For me, it has even extended to ublogger njani ungena x? (How do you blog without having x). One of the reasons why I've keeping low on these streets...sigh. 

Please count yourself fortunate if you haven't found yourself in this spot in life. I don't wish it upon you. I don't wish it upon my least favourite people. If you have been here or are currently here I guess you'll be familiar with what I'm about to say.

I think the ulala njani trend is one of those that start out as positive motivation but, just end up exuding toxic positivity vibes. In the end, you're not left motivated to accomplish x or attain dream x. Instead you're stripped of a very basic gesture of self love which you owe to yourself. Ulala njani is so pain inflicting. It leaves you numb and it shifts your focus from reasons why you even need to rest. I cringe every time I see it. I cringe especially during this Covid-19 pandemic which keeps on taking and taking...

On good days, life affords me the luxury to simply answer and say: hamonate jwang! (This is a Sotho slang phrase which can be loosely translated to perfectly fine!). On neutral days, I side with every instinct to fight against insomnia. On bad days, however, ulala njani tackles me until I'm a bit low on self-love and I give in to burning the midnight oil. Not out of motivation or drive. Simply out of toxic positivity...

A younger version of myself would easily wish for more good days than neutral or bad ones. Adulting has taught me that the formula to life is accepting that bad days will come. Adulting is actually a sum of bad days with a dash of good ones. Life is teaching me to locate happiness even on those bad days...

So when reality asks you ulala njani ungena x? May you locate the courage to hit back and say: hamonate jwang! 

Who do you tell?

Fam, remember when Tamia asked: who do you tell? I'll give you a few seconds to reminisce.

I'm a 90s kid who grew up with a lot of influences from the 80s. So this song takes me back to my cousin sister's music book.  Those were the days. Back when you had to master the timing of record, stop, rewind and play. That and trying to recall what you just heard. The epitome of responsibility during pass time. Gone are the days!

Who do you tell when adulting is too much? This past month has been showing me flames. I'm here in a crowded room filled with all things adulting. Yho. I've pinched myself enough to come to terms with the fact that I'm not dreaming. It is not a movie. Your girl Responsibility is being so feisty. Guys, adulting is a trap.

To be fair every year has that month, or months, when things just go left. When you lose your balance and things just get out of hand. That month when you see what they meant when they said that "die poppe sal dans". Die poppe dans! I'm watching them do everything from the waltz to the kwasa kwasa. Adulting is dribbling me so much that I'm not even sure which style it is anymore. I'm not sure if I'm on the Toosie slide or the  Zekethe side of things. Bottom line is that the dolls are dancing!

I look forward to a future when my present is but a distant past...

May

 A part of me feels like she blinked and it was already May. Where did March and April go?!

I don't know about you but this past month was just lit. Wait. 2021 nje has been lit. My "location"📍has just been rotating from one deadline to the next. In all this craziness, it's been quite tricky navigating self love while breathing through the wound of adulting. I've had this conversation with a few people and it seems like we're all going through the most...in one way or another.

Something came to mind while I was making a mental note of how this month is looking in terms of deadlines and "adulting" duties. I started thinking about May as a standalone word. How it expresses possibilities and how we use the word when we are hoping for something.

Dear reader,
May this new month bring you new possibilities to start over,
May you be open to the idea of being kinder to yourself,
May you hold on to moments which make you smile or laugh effortlessly,
May you be surrounded by gentle reminders that you are not alone,
May you repossess the power to self define,
May you forgive yourself,
May you heal from things you can't talk about,
May you extend warmth when you can,
May you be okay with Plan A,B or C not working out,
May you be present...

If all else fails, may you locate the bravery to pull a "stomach in, chest out" and just show up...

I come back: Lent 2021 Reflection

 Hellooooo. I come baaaaaccck!

Me, I'm Linda. This blog post is about how Lent 2021 showed me "Oarabile!".

If you're from my corner of the world, I hope this introduction gives you the comfort of humour that it gave me. If you're not, and you have no idea what I'm one about...helloooo again 😂. Jokes aside, this line has been made legendary by a young vlogger whose earnest description of his brother broke the internet. Check it out on social media!

Lent 2021 was "lenty". It came with all the unpleasant things that come with the season. It was emotionally challenging. The 40 days felt like an eternity. It wasn't as hectic as Lent 2020 though. No. On a scale of 1 - Adele, I'd rate it a medium Burning in the deep though. As draining as it was, I believe that it has left me as a better version of myself. A better, tired and a bit more tired version. I can't exactly quantify this so, in #lifeandherlessons style, I'll just reflect on the lessons I've learnt during this time of fasting, prayer and alms giving.

I was fortunate enough to attend church on Ash Wednesday. Truly appreciate this opportunity. I've missed church. One of the things that Covid-19 has taken away from me is the way I like to worship. It hit me this past Lent just how much I miss fellowship. I'm looking forward to finding a parish nearby to call home.

This Lent, I dedicated my fasting to my healing journey. The goal was to abandon comfort zones and taking time out to confront truths I've been running away from. This was a tough one bazalwane. I saw "Oarabile"! Like I said, burning in the deep! What I can say is, I tried. I took baby steps and giant leaps. My system wasn't ready for certain steps so, I just drew circles in some instances. I guess I was reminded that it's a process. On a light note: my Instagram account is up and running. Yes, it's public. Told you I'm leaving comfort zones! I also activated a YouTube account for the blog. Yes, I've officially joined the "Welcome to my YouTube channel" gang! Can I get a "please like, comment, subscribe and share"?! 🤞😂✊

I've never been an advocate of publicising alms giving. I won't start now. My right hand has no business knowing what my left hand has done.
As much as I've missed our engagements, I still think that Lent isn't the best of times to blog. It's an emotional rollercoaster and some thoughts are just too much.

I took a journey on Bible App with my friends that was put together by Tear Fund. The plan, titled Lent 2021: A story to live by, was such a plug. What a life changing experience! My biggest take home lesson from the experience is that I'm enough. I've got so much to unlearn to remember this but, I'm enough. I'm enough and that's all that matters.

How was your Lent? I hope that you, your families and loved ones had a blessed one.

Like I said, I come back! To my supportive readers, I've missed you. To my new visitors, welcome. I'm looking forward to sharing my journey with you...

Fabreworry

 Januworry was Januworry like all her sisters before her. She felt like the entire year. One of the downsides has been dealing with multiple choke slams and triggers of death. There's been so much grief around me. There was a point when I was hesitant to scroll down the timeline because of seeing 💔🕯🕊.

We're in Fabreworry and the girl has a character of her own. I'm feeling fabulous for surviving January. I feel like the year has officially started. Navigating the brewery of emotions that come with chasing dreams and taking on new adventures. Worried, also. For the part of me that's missing her late Dadobawo (paternal aunt) more than ever. The fourth anniversary of her passing will be during Lent. One of her favourite seasons.

l've recently realised that I went into a long phase of denial after she passed on. One that's come in drips and drabs. I think "being tough" didn't do me any justice. I miss so many things about her. I miss the sound of her voice when it was calm and when it had caught me being mischievous. I miss her affirming energy. I miss how she couldn't stand the sound of whistles. I miss her unique ability to tell stories. I miss how she loved her soapies and how she'd get so caught up in the story lines. I miss her baked bread and her fondness for our culture.

I recently listened to Luther's Dance with my father. It hit me how many times I had the urge to tell her something. Tell her how her prayers over our lives outlived her. Tell her how much I dislike adulting. Tell her I'm thankful she validated my dreams and treasured them more than I did at some point. Tell her that, in a twisted turn of events, I'm also a regular tea drinker now. Tell her, once more, that she added colour to my childhood. The list is endless...

Above it all, I'm just grateful for her love and how it STILL keeps me warm.

Lent begins tomorrow. My system is already pulling stunts. I'm already having weird cravings. I keep worrying that tomorrow will come and I'll forget, like I almost do, which day it is. I'm haunted by ghosts of Ash Wednesday past!

I've made peace with not fasting from food. That ship has sailed fam. I think this year I'll focus on the emotional things I can give up, working on my prayer game and sharing.

I'll see you on the other side of Lent. Have a blessed one!