Letter 5 of 19

Dear 2019,

How are you?

You know how when you're taught a language you're taught how to greet first? Isn't it a bit odd that you're taught to say "I'm good"/"I'm fine" and then immediately ask the question back? You are even taught how to say it politely, how to address different age groups, which pronouns to use and how to greet at different times of the day. In most cases, you stumble upon "I'm not good" later on after you've been taught other things. Probably even after "I'm tired". Is the assumption that we are always "good"? Or have we been conditioned to just not share our problems or feelings?

If I had to get a rand for each time I answered that question dishonestly this year my bank balance would have a few zeros added. I didn't exactly lie. I just grew tired of the long explanations that were linked to the roots of why I wasn't okay. I also got to a point when I placed people who asked this question in categories and tailored responses for each.

I've had to tell myself that there's a group you need to be okay for at all times. You just don't want to stress this group unnecessarily. They are good people. There's a group that's just asking to make conversation. They mean well and they are friendly. Read their energy and answer honestly. There's a group that's not asking you because of you. No. They are asking to be polite in order for them to tell you how they are not okay. You need to accept your role in this group and protect yourself from expectations that they will reciprocate how you treat them. Answer based on your mood. There's also a group that disregards your boundaries. Breathe and respond. There's a group that you can let in on some of your struggles. You are not an island. Then, lastly, there are those few that you can emotionally strip in front of. Bless their souls.

This year I found myself wishing I could meet the WhatsApp group admin of Bazothini Abantu? (What will the people say?). This person is the boss of us all I tell you. She, and those before here, have been the rulers of us for generations. Their toxic regime has been so long. I don't want to fight with her. I just need to understand how they did it. How they managed to infiltrate and cripple mindsets for such a long time. Also, when are we catching a break from their lies which govern us?

So how am I? I'm tired. I don't think that I have ever been this tired before. It has been a challenging year for me and my family at large. This year has taught me just how much I didn't understand fatigue and exhaustion.

2019 I wasn't okay on most of your days. I had to be though. So I kept it in, smiled and soldiered on. I had to do this so much that "okay" low key began to mean that I'm okay that I'm not okay. That's completely okay? Right?