Letter 1 of 19

Dear 2019,

Our first encounter felt like a scene from a movie.

I got an opportunity to trade my routine of silent transitions for one of those yearly countdowns we often see in movies. I waited for your arrival with strangers from all walks of life at a countdown party. There was loud music, crowds of people all around me, a loud count down by all of us in unison, one of the biggest firework show I've seen and…well, almost everything that goes along with such countdowns. It was epic!

As epic as that was, I think my favourite memory of our first encounter was watching your first sunrise. I couldn’t wait to part ways with your sister, 2018. As a result, I felt like it was important for me to see your first sunrise just to make sure that she was gone. I needed to witness your beginning to cling onto hope that you were a new book, a new adventure and a new journey. I needed to have my Thomas moment and be present.

You have been such a roller coaster ride of extremes! When you began, I made my usual theme pact. I needed three things from to you: fireworks, gratitude and Isaiah 60:22. 2018 showed me so much flames that, this year, I was hoping to transform them into fireworks. I felt like I needed to work on my gratitude this year and not take things for granted. Lastly, I had to allow myself to be grounded in the knowledge that God’s timing was best. Year themes normally help me in all areas of my life. The way things went this year, it was as if every challenge which came mocked these goals and ambitions.

2019, I asked for fireworks and you sent flames. My health was at its worst in years. Looking back, I wasn’t always grateful for a lot of things in my life. I also found myself frustrated with the alignment of my dreams. On the other hand, however, you have been kind. I have jumped hurdles and seen fireworks. I believe my gratitude meter was at its highest this year. As for alignment, let’s just say that I understand why they say that Rome wasn’t built in built in one day. Or one year in my case.

Through you, 2019, life has schooled me so much about self-care and self-love, being unapologetic about boundaries and understanding my triggers. You’ve helped me locate the courage to get out of bed on days when I questioned my existence. You’ve taught me to allow joy to simmer, to hold onto hope and to allow myself to accept compliments. I've faced some of my worst fears this past year. I’ve navigated my most challenging days being equally my most happiest. I’ve laughed till I lost breath and I equally realised that I’ve forgotten how to cry. We’ve got the rest of this series to unpack all of this.

To be honest,  I can’t wait for you to come to an end. I’ve just realised that, for some reason, writing these letters to you brings back a very unpleasant childhood memory. You know when a bully gives you the “after school is after school” threat? Yeep. Writing to you feels exactly like that. I’m dreading looking back to parts of my body where you’ve punched. My poor knees are already shaking as I think back to times when they had to carry my entire body while I faced you. My mind is also racing back to all the pleas I’ve made for the earth to open up and
swallow me. I’m still astonished at how my chest managed to keep my heart inside despite multiple times when I thought it would burst. You’ve been tough 2019!

I will face you though. I’ll toughen up. I'll keep my knees steady and yell “yeah, after school” back at you.  I'll  do this while I continue to contemplate how I'll tell you how much of a hot mess you’ve been…