Letter 13 of 19

Merry Christmas 2019!

On days leading up to today I've realised just how days like this one were one of the treasures of childhood. As children, we had no grasp of what really goes on on Christmas. We got excited over the story of baby Jesus in the manger. We were delighted to have reached the highlight of our holidays. Most times, we had even lost track of which day of the week was. All that mattered was that school wasn't opening anytime soon.

Christmas day was mostly about getting those new clothes and the treats that came with them. We had no idea what the birth of Christ truly meant, what a budget was or just how hard people worked to get those meals and treats ready. We didn't have the entire picture back then. A part of me still feels like we never will but that's a story for another day.

The build up to Christmas was a whole other ball game for the adults. Especially where the shopping was concerned. When we shopped early for Christmas at home I used to get frustrated. I liked it more when we shopped later. This meant that I didn't have to wait long to put on the new clothes. I realised in recent years that things were different for my mother. She preferred shopping earlier because it was more convenient for her. My favourite year was one of her worst. It hadn't been a good year and she was not in good financial standing. I had no idea.

This year I had so many other conversations with her that made me look at my childhood differently. She shielded and protected us from so much. I guess this year I also got to see a whole new side of her. Adulting just made me aware that our parents are also human. Humans who had entire lives before we came on board. Humans who continue to shield us from things we may possibly only know when we have bundles of our own. Humans who survived toxic systems which affected them in ways we can only imagine.

A few days ago her former colleagues, who are like family to her, threw her a surprise party. They all met while she was still teaching. She's now retired. This special occasion made me see her through the eyes of her other daughters. She's dramatic in all areas of her life. She genuinely cares for others and she's such a joker. She's also very protective. All the traits of those givers who also need to receive so much love and care in return.  I wish she knew this. I wish her mother before her knew this. I wish that one day I too will know this and live it for my daughter...

Christmas in adult mode isn't anything like what it used to be. The only thing which remains the same is the overwhelming feeling of gratitude.

2019, did I mention that my mother was born on this day? Happy birthday to her!