Letter 2 of 19

Hello 2019,

Don't worry. I don't feel like throwing jabs at you today. I come in peace, and gratitude, for a very valuable lesson you've taught me about self-love/ self-care. 

I never really knew how to navigate through having phobias or weird quirks while growing up. Being raised in a communal community also meant that there wasn't much room for such. Especially ones that nobody else had or even understood. I had a couple of these. For years I've only kept them within my immediate family. I didn't want to be singled out as "that child who does/ doesn't etc". One of them was how I was picky about which chicken portions I ate and which ones I couldn't stomach. This revelation may lose me hectic street cred. So I'll only mention one for the sake of this post. 

Two words: chicken wings. Yes, it's one of my weird food quirks. I bet you're wondering how. Well, I've avoided eating wings for the longest time. Even though I enjoy them, or some parts of them at least. There's a portion of them that I always leave behind. Weird, right? Trust me, I know. As a result, I eat them so awkwardly. I even avoid eating them in public because of the odd stares. I liken this to how we feel about some "portions" of ourselves. We love ourselves so much but sometimes, we leave certain things out. 2019, you've made me realise this in such a unique way. 

I noticed this year that I'm selfless to a fault. I'm almost always in a "care for others" mode that I sometimes neglect to take care of myself first. In my case, if love was the chicken wing, then self-love is the section that I leave behind. I used to be so quick to give out love, support and care to others without hesitation. I hardly ever paused to think what that would mean to me. I guess, for a lack of better words, this year I noticed how much I burn myself to make others warm. I did most of this at the expense of self-love and self-care.

I'm not sure what triggered this perspective shift. Maybe I'm not ready to confront the roots of my introspection on this platform. What I can say is that something shifted inside and it changed, and continues to shift, the way I do things. No, I'm not turning into a cold and selfish ice queen. I'm just learning to navigate these streets in a different way. 

In a previous post, the Thinking out loud reflection piece to be more specific, I shared how grateful I am for the day I inserted "self-love" every time I saw "love" in 1 Corinthians 13. I didn't break it down back then but I was referring specifically to verse 4 - 7. Since February this year, I've read those verses to myself like this:

"Self-love is patient and kind. Self-love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Self-love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." - Adapted from NLT version 

We live in a world which almost conditions us to neglect ourselves. I'm learning every day how much we need to be more patient with ourselves. We need to treat ourselves with gentle kindness before we even extend it to others. We need to understand that putting ourselves first, drawing boundaries and being unapologetic about them isn't rude. It is a need.

2019, you've taught me how to treat self-love like my favourite portion of chicken. Thank you for this lesson...