Letter 11 of 19

Good morning 2019,

I think by now you are aware that Mondays are not my cup of tea. There's just something about them. An element that I just can't ever get used to but what can I do?

There's a clip where Oprah is talking to Maya Angelou about a life lesson. Oprah is reflecting on how Maya taught her to believe people when they tell her who they are. She then expresses how this is an ongoing lesson. I relate to this on so many levels. Firstly, with those around me. This has been painful to come to terms with. I could go on and on about this but this year has taught me the importance of how I've had to learn this lesson with myself.

Self acceptance is one of the most challenging things on this planet. I guess because we're conditioned to always look at other people instead of ourselves. We're either happy because others made us happy, we're angry because others took advantage or we're sad because others failed to meet our expectations. Whatever the occasion, our first impulse is to look to others instead of ourselves.

I'm not sure how we get this. It's probably how we are conditioned to think. We learn to silence our inner selves so much an search for meaning externally. I've had to believe my body telling me it's tired, I've had to believe my soul telling me it feels overwhelmed and I've also had to trust my gut about situations I'd been turning a blind eye to for years.

The other thing I've had to believe about myself is that I'm more of an introvert than I am an extrovert. Okay, maybe I can settle for ambivert. A lot of people who've been around me would find this hard to believe. I wouldn't blame them. It took me a while to realise this myself because I had my own misconceptions of what being an introvert is. Was I wrong! I guess my introvert side wasn't having the backseat this year. It went on strike and demanded acknowledgment at every occasion. This process was different from time to time. Friendly at times and hostile at others.

I saw this earlier on this year when I talked a colleague of mine into signing up for a symposium. It was all systems go. Well, until the reality of speaking in front of people hit me. My nerves went from "I'll be okay" to "find the nearest exit and run" lol. I'm no stranger to this Tom and Jerry cycle though. I always talk myself into public speaking and then moments before it should happen introvert me pulls an andizi (I'm not coming) on my extrovert self. I'm not sure how extrovert me wins these wars but whatever it is, it always works. Then afterwards my system goes back to normal mode and I forget the war. Well, until the next time it happens.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm a very shy person. I hardly initiate conversations. I'm that loner who gets friends mostly because they adopt her. I don't really enjoy being around crowded spaces. I survive them. If I could, I'd pick texting above having to talk. I always find myself in situations where people seem to believe that I'm primarily an extrovert. I believed this for the longest time ever because of my line of work.

This year I got to believe introvert me plead her validity case. It's okay to be an introvert in a world that believes this trait to belong to weaklings. It's okay to struggle with small talk because I'm busy overthinking all the things the other person is covering up. It's okay to prefer silence over noise. Being able to express myself in public looking calm, even while I'm wrestling nerves, is also okay.

The lesson I continue to learn is that being an ambivert is perfectly normal. If Clark Kent could do this, why can't I?