Letter fourteen of eighteen

Dear 2018,

You’ve introduced me to myself.

Being introduced to people is one of the most interesting things in life. I’ve met people in interesting ways. From the people who remember you from high school, those you wish you had never met, to the elders who remind you what you did when you were a toddler.

My maternal grandmothers are die-hard fans of this. "You were such a chubby baby growing up", "I used to enjoy playing with your cheeks", "You used to like water so much", "You used to say this, you used to say that...". Most of the time I just stand there smiling and not having a clue lol. 

One of the things I always try to remember when meeting someone is the name. In most cases, I even ask how your name is spelt. I credit that to journalism. So, yeah, that is what I do in most cases. That and knowing were the person comes from. Just so that I can pin it on my memory. I do this because I’m not good with names. But I hide it well.

I’ve had to meet people multiple times before remembering the names. By then, my memories with them are stronger. And no, I dare not admit that I’ve forgotten the name. If I’ve had to save your number then I create an alias for you. This has backfired once. I saved a name according to a memory trigger. Then she texted in her number months later, when I had forgotten that I even have her number, and then bam!  I was so embarrassed. I still get embarrassed when I bump into her from time to time.

Meeting parts of yourself, which you didn’t even know existed, is much like the above-mentioned scenarios. You taught me this 2018. 

I don’t know if I’ve said this in previous conversations but, as people, we tend to focus so much on the noise happening outside that we ignore ourselves. We shut down our inner voices. So this year, while you were serving me choke slams and uppercuts, my inner voice became louder and I had no option but to listen. I give much credit to self-mastery lessons too. 

So you know that you know someone and then you really know someone right? Normally after life-threatening situations, tight spots and just the most random simple acts. I met myself during all of those. 

This year I got to fully embrace my name. Linda: five letters, action verb, one sentence…a command. My name, in my mother tongue isiXhosa, means wait. That is the direct meaning. The deeper meaning, however, means waiting in patience. I’ve always known what it means. A few years ago I stumbled across the events which led to me having the name. I had been misinterpreting it for so long.  

You know how they say that we have an inner child living within us? So true. This year I got in touch with her. I understood a few triggers to certain emotions. I got to understand what hurt her the most, what inspired her the most and why she became a dreamer. I know I keep saying this but, one of the biggest things I’ve been doing these past two years is walking away. I’ve never really done this before. I was the type who stayed and endured. I made excuses for people, and myself. Not anymore. Knowing myself has taught me that I like the sound of my feet moving. Moving towards adventures, seeing new places, exploring, overcoming fear and…walking away. 

I’ve also embraced my strengths unapologetically. I’ve dreamed unapologetically. I’ve loved unapologetically. I’ve forgiven myself unapologetically. I have just been unapologetic.  Guess what? I loved each and every minute. Unfamiliar territory at first but liberating once I get the hang of it.

2018, thank you for showing me parts of myself which I never knew existed.