Letter 6 of 19

Good morning 2019,

I'm having a crazy morning.  Well, for starters I had the strangest dream. I was casted as a member of The Lion King alongside some girls from high school. Jiki jiki (South African lingo for all of a sudden) I'm attending a wedding reception of this girl I met in varsity. In the dream we are are having an Instagram screening of her wedding. Then something weird happened. While viewing her posts we were blocked from seeing a particular one. The message read: user privacy settings prevent you from seeing this particular post. I knew then and there that I was dreaming. Instagram doesn't have such. Could this be my ancestors showing me the future?

This feeling didn't last for long. It was snatched away from me by my mother through my eldest nephew. "Mse ku Linda", which translated to take her to Linda, were the last words I heard while I held on to the calm of my day. My nephew brought the storm...my niece. On a good day, she's the apple of my eye. She's the cutest, funniest and most talkative 2 year-old I know. She also looks exactly like I did when I was her age. Having her around is awesome. Just don't get on her bad side. She will scream, throw tantrums and cry so much. As you can imagine, they've just set off a bomb and dropped it into my room.

My niece and my mother are joint to the hip. Their love story deserves a post of its own. The little one adores her grandmother and doesn't want to be away from her. She's a handful at times though and my mom can't always take her along. Bless the souls she then leaves her with after breaking her heart. Bless my soul this morning!

She cried so much! Threw a tantrum and wouldn't budge until we called my mother. Then only did she calm down after the assurance that my mother is on a quest to bring her chocolate. Did she smile after this? Not a chance!

I can't exactly reveal my trade secrets on this platform. Just know that I went into battle. I've had to go through Instagram timelines and bloggers with children on them too. Being granted the Visa to even fiddle with my phone for this blog to materialise is a miracle.

One of the things I've had to do to distract her is to show her a photo of myself at my first birthday. I asked her who that is. She's adamant it's her. I always crack up at this. Now both of us a relaxed and having a contest where we're making sounds with our tongues. I'm not sure how long this peace treaty between us will last though.

What is this 2019? Is it your weird way of making me count the fact that I didn't join the mommy gang on your timeline a blessing? Is it that? Or are you busy sowing seeds and fast tracking my clock? What is this?

So many people have asked me the "when are you having your own bundle of joy?" question. Strangers, friends, acquaintances and even family members. I bumped into someone I met in varsity after shopping for a baby shower gift. After a pleasant catch up, he took things south. Headed straight to my ring finger for inspection. Then he did the unthinkable. He bravely told me that he can ensure that the next baby shower my friends attend can be mine if I do the right thing. This has to be one of your most violent and equally hilarious moments 2019!

I'd like to sit and chat some more but I can't. I need to change a diaper, switch myself on to entertainment mode and pray to the heavens that this bundle of joy doesn't burst out crying for her grandmother again...

Letter 5 of 19

Dear 2019,

How are you?

You know how when you're taught a language you're taught how to greet first? Isn't it a bit odd that you're taught to say "I'm good"/"I'm fine" and then immediately ask the question back? You are even taught how to say it politely, how to address different age groups, which pronouns to use and how to greet at different times of the day. In most cases, you stumble upon "I'm not good" later on after you've been taught other things. Probably even after "I'm tired". Is the assumption that we are always "good"? Or have we been conditioned to just not share our problems or feelings?

If I had to get a rand for each time I answered that question dishonestly this year my bank balance would have a few zeros added. I didn't exactly lie. I just grew tired of the long explanations that were linked to the roots of why I wasn't okay. I also got to a point when I placed people who asked this question in categories and tailored responses for each.

I've had to tell myself that there's a group you need to be okay for at all times. You just don't want to stress this group unnecessarily. They are good people. There's a group that's just asking to make conversation. They mean well and they are friendly. Read their energy and answer honestly. There's a group that's not asking you because of you. No. They are asking to be polite in order for them to tell you how they are not okay. You need to accept your role in this group and protect yourself from expectations that they will reciprocate how you treat them. Answer based on your mood. There's also a group that disregards your boundaries. Breathe and respond. There's a group that you can let in on some of your struggles. You are not an island. Then, lastly, there are those few that you can emotionally strip in front of. Bless their souls.

This year I found myself wishing I could meet the WhatsApp group admin of Bazothini Abantu? (What will the people say?). This person is the boss of us all I tell you. She, and those before here, have been the rulers of us for generations. Their toxic regime has been so long. I don't want to fight with her. I just need to understand how they did it. How they managed to infiltrate and cripple mindsets for such a long time. Also, when are we catching a break from their lies which govern us?

So how am I? I'm tired. I don't think that I have ever been this tired before. It has been a challenging year for me and my family at large. This year has taught me just how much I didn't understand fatigue and exhaustion.

2019 I wasn't okay on most of your days. I had to be though. So I kept it in, smiled and soldiered on. I had to do this so much that "okay" low key began to mean that I'm okay that I'm not okay. That's completely okay? Right?

Letter 4 of 19

Hello 2019,

How are you on my least favourite day of the week? 

I wasn't there to cast my vote when they were running elections deciding that business should begin directly after an awesome day like Sunday. I wish that I was. If I was there, I would have voted for Monday to be a "catch-up" day. Oh you know, a day when it's not the weekend and not a weekday. A day when we all get to recollect ourselves before we begin again. Right? I know I'm not the only person who feels this way. I can't be...

My comfort this morning is that this Monday is unlike most Mondays in South Africa. Today my country is celebrating a public holiday known as Reconciliation Day. I won't be getting into the politics of how this day came to be. Instead, I'll let you in on a personal tradition of my own which I began last year during the letters to 2018. Last year I decided to head to Reconciliationville on this day. The town, which is a symbol of small towns we just pass by without getting inside to explore, is where I'll head to once more on this post. 

I wish I was also there when they were running elections on a lot of factors governing my life such as height, weight and the immune system. The immune system is on top of the list though. I would have loved to win those elections! I was going to negotiate for a stronger one. One that behaves and doesn't decide to take left turns every time it feels like it. My immune system misbehaves so much but I think this year it takes the cup! I could be all good the one minute and flat down the next. This letter is behind schedule because my health decided that it wasn't having it. One of the times when it acted up was during the Lerapeleng wedding back in February. That day was one of my favourite days in 2019 and equally my most challenging.

This year began on a very awkward note. I felt offish earlier on in the year and I chose to ignore it. Before I knew it my system slowly kept giving in to all kinds of things. The biggest stunt it pulled was shortly before the wedding. I fell so sick that I almost cancelled attending. I didn't though. I pushed through the fatigue and pain. I paused when I needed to and I hit the dance floor when I got the chance. Fortunately, I look good on all the photos, I didn't trip and fall during the dance routine and I rocked the dress slit lol. Jokes aside, my biggest worry was fainting or not being present. Neither came true. It was a perfect day and my mom held my hand every step of the way. What a woman! 

2019, you've taught me a lesson about reconciling with parts of myself that I find hard to accept. I've successfully talked myself into taking medication regularly. I hardly skip meals. I've made friends with some fruits and vegetables that I couldn't stand. It's not all moonlight and roses though. I should also confess that this is a continuous lesson. I still don't make some of my close friends and family aware when I'm sick. I still struggle to accept "not being able" to function normally myself. I still push myself on days when I should be snuggled up in bed and resting. Above it all, I smile through days when I wish the earth could open up and swallow me. 

Do I wish that my health was kinder to me this year? Yes, yes and yaaaaas! So this reconciliation is a work-in-progress.

As you draw to an end 2019, I find myself grateful for every resilient cell in my body for carrying me through...

Letter 3 of 19

Good morning 2019,

I greet you in the name of all the lessons I've discovered during your timeline that have connected me with lessons from my childhood.

Today I'd like to reflect on one of those "aha" moments I've experienced. I attended a Christian School for 12 years of my basic education. We came from different denominations but our school had a very charismatic culture incorporated with most activities that we had. Praise and worship was the order of the day. One of my teachers had two signature verses he loved to share: Luke 13:28 on the "gnashing of teeth" and Ephesians 6 on the "full armour of God". He loved them so much that we used to make prediction jokes about what he would share. Yes, I was a bit mischievous back in the day. Did I understand what he meant? No.

It's been a decade since I left high school and I can safely say that my interpretation of a "gnashing of teeth" doesn't relate to anger or weather conditions. The "full armour" is not some old fashioned war statement. These two verses mean so much more. I realised this after participating as a member of a team for the Amazing Race on campus with a "military princess" theme.

In hindsight, I don't think we had a game-plan going into the race. I've always wanted to do it and I just needed to have some fun. What an adventure! One filled with running around campus, the frustration of deciphering clues, 20 sit-ups in less 30 seconds and walking away with the best-dressed team prize. Yay!

During the race I was present and I was just taking every moment in. I felt tired from time to time and opted to "jog" instead of printing and I took stops when I felt out of breath. I only realised just how exhausting the experience was when it was all said and done. While scrolling through my phone, seeing how we were dressed up Ephesians 6 came to me like a long lost friend. There's so much to life on this planet than what meets the naked eye. There's so much to the challenges that we face that goes beyond our initial comprehension.

The race took place late during the year and it got me thinking about some of the hurdles I faced this year. There were times when I sprinted instead of jogging. There were times when I misread "clues" and went in the total opposite direction. There were times when I got the clues right but I hardly stopped to take in the joy and feel deep gratitude for the experiences. There were times, too, when I had my guard down when I shouldn't have had. There were times when I left my "armour" behind.

My biggest take was being aware that there are so many times when I "didn't" in 2019. This does not, however, mean that I "won't ever".

Thank you for this lesson 2019...