Letter three of eighteen

Dear 2018,

You’ve taken me to beautiful places. 

One of the most beautiful spaces you’ve taken me to is a place I choose to call Reconciliationville. Reconciliationville is like one of those small towns that you pass through without paying much attention. I remember experiencing this first hand a few years ago when I was part of a news team crew. I’d passed the particular town so many times before but I had never gone in and toured it. Needless to say, I know now there’s more to that town than the fill-up stations on the main road. Reconciling with yourself is similar to this. We go through so many things that we hardly pause and tour our own emotions.

Today is celebrated as Reconciliation Day in South Africa. I won’t bore you with the public politics but, I will let you in on my inner politics and your role in them. I’ve had to reconcile with myself this year. In so many ways. I’ve had to accept flaws creeping up during moments when I least needed them to. I’ve had to be mindful that I was responsible for creating emotional boundaries. I’ve had to pump up the confidence and serenity levels from time to time when they were low. I’ve also had to remind myself that I need to take a chill pill and just be.

I think every person has inner wars and conflicts they carry around with them. I think that the difference is on just how much aware one is of these and the manner in which they handle them.

I’ve always been my worst critic. You have no idea just how many times I’ve used the backspace button while writing the letters to you. It’s either too corny, emotional or just too much information. Anything to keep me in my comfort castle of stone walls. The courage to even share these letters is a miracle. That, and the fact that you’ve been throwing me into the deep end so much, 2018 that I’ve had to come out of my shell.

So, there’s a room in Reconciliationville where one is forced to treat themselves with kindness and love. In the very same manner that they treat others. It’s one of my favourite spaces. I’m still getting used to it actually. Being here made me realise just how many views I’ve missed while sleeping on the self-love train journey. 

I shared a post on Instagram earlier this year where I wrote that one of the hardest apologies I’ve ever made was to myself. I was sorry for being frustrated about my weight. I was sorry for being apologetic about my accomplishments and reaching milestones. I was sorry for granting circumstances, which were completely out of my control, the power to control my state of mind. I was sorry for many more things. I was most sorry that, until recently, I wasn’t aware that I even needed to apologize to myself.

2018, you’ve taken me to beautiful spaces where I got to realise that I needn’t allow broken souls to dictate how I act towards them. I’m incapable of being selfish. I’m such a caring spirit and I make the well-being of everyone around me a priority. They don’t all have to reciprocate that and that is okay. I’m still me and I’ve reconciled with that. You’ve taught me that 2018 and I salute you.

You’ve taken me to beautiful places and for that, I will be forever grateful. You have, in a way, brought me closer to myself in so many interesting ways…