Letter 17/20

 Hybo 2020, 

I attend the family meeting this evening. 

Our president, Cyril Ramaphosa, just addressed the nation regarding the Covid-19 lockdown status. 

My mind wandered and drifted during his address. 

Honestly believe that there are times when I feel like I don't even understand English. 

Maybe it's my system adjusting. 

We're going back to Level 3 with adjustments. 

Alcohol has been banned...again.

Today has been a lot. 

Mixed emotions. 

Heavy heart.

Only thing I can tell you, 2020, is that uyiFilm.

 You. 

Are. 

A. 

Movie! 

Letter 11/20

 Hello 2020, 

Only a few more days and then you'll be gone. Yaaas!

So, I've had a bone to pick with you since you took a U turn a few months ago. There was a time when I thought I'd do a "10 things I hate about you" list on the final days. The other idea was to post one liners each day to save time on going through how hectic you were. Then there was the option of videos. The drawing board was full. In the end, I just decided to go with the flow and do my best to be fair to you.

One of the things that stood out for me during the lockdown were the local and international trends of challenges. Those were lit. People baking, exchanging dance moves, putting their little ones to the test and pulling pranks on families. The influencer challenge left me in stitches. Then there was the global one where we had to dance. Homegirl has two left feet but I think I held it down. I'll talk about that when we get to the top 10 hits for the year. My favourite challenge is the #DuduzaneChallenge. Loving it. Especially because it gave me and my Xhosa sisters a break from the stereotype of us being gold diggers. Turns out, money is something that many of us are in pursuit of.

I may not have been brave to get out of my shell and participate in most of these challenges. Some of them were too hectic fam. Especially that one where John is being asked to open the gate. I've enjoyed them though. Okay, I'll be honest. My mirror has seen the dance ones lol. In a weird way, I've learnt that sometimes being an observer is the best position to be in. Sometimes we need to just sit back and allow the joy of others to rub off on us.

Humour is good. Humour is a need. Humour is a remedy. Shared humour is like oxygen. 2020, you've made me appreciate humour. 

Letter 3/20

 Dear 2020,

Are you well? I am too despite the day of the week.

South Africans have a family meeting this evening. Number 1 (Our president) is going to address the nation on the state of Covid-19 affairs. We've had these regularly since we were placed under lockdown when the first wave hit South Africa in March. The numbers have been spiking and we're now being hit by a second wave. 

When the first lockdown was announced it felt like we were in some weird movie and someone had flipped the script. The restrictions and limitations took "plans change" to a whole new level. Plan B became Plan C. Plan C became Plan D. Jonga, before I new it I was looking at Plan L with bated breath. At the end of the day, turned out to be Plan Z that worked. Life showed us flames this year!

I guess tonight's family meeting will be like previous ones. There's the side of the family that won't even be bothered. There's the side that will watch hoping that the blow won't make this year any more worse. There are those family members who are stocking up on bev and cigarettes just in case. There are cousins who are adamant that nothing will stand in their way of groove. South Africans have a unique way if dealing with collective trauma. We hardly dwell. I guess we can't help finding rainbows and silver linings. We move on while deep down we carry the wounds of our past that are still present in our present.

I'm not looking forward to the family meeting. We already have hotspot regions in the naughty corner. I think tonight the list is getting longer. We haven't been at our best behaviour. Something just tells me this meeting will be a final nail to some businesses. My heart breaks for families who've lost loved ones. People struggling with comorbidities. Everyone whose life has been turned upside down by Covid-19.

One of the hardest things to accept this year was that there really is a time for everything. 2020, you've been a taker and you continue to wreck havoc...

Time out

It's been a while. I know. So before I proceed, please consider this as my act of contrition. Forgive me, dear reader...

Just so you know, and in my defence, the hiatus wasn't planned. I put off posting to take care of a crisis or I rescheduled meetings to record conversations because of time clashes. In other times my thoughts were too heavy to translate into words and I couldn't write. This cycle happened repeatedly and before I knew it I was officially hibernating and taking time out. 

I don't know what, or who, to compare my 2020 experience to. 2020 is like that girl who gives you a broad smile and draws you closer for a warm embrace only to place a dagger on your back. This year makes you feel like the "boogeyman under your bed" stories were true. I saw a meme where someone said it feels like we're living in the times of Jonah and someone needs to own up and be thrown out of the boat to be swallowed by the whale. I couldn't agree more! Lol

On a serious note, a lot has been happening fam and lockdown has added its own spin to things. This year is not at all what I thought it would be when it began. I've had the scariest and weirdest experiences. I've been adapting to amazing, and life-changing, experiences. I've been learning to let go of toxic traits. I've also just been deeply overwhelmed by the effects of Covid-19 on lives. Being an empath, who doesn't really know how to handle it, isn't the best of things to be during these times. I needed to take time out.

Being in hibernation has shown that we aren't programmed to have conversations about pain in our social circles. This isn't a new discovery though. I've always known this but, I just never knew the depth. I'm also not saying that we live in a society which is ignorant and not supportive. No. I'm just saying that I realised how we still deal with trauma, anxiety and depression as if they are myths. We walk around with identities carved by wounds for years and we're not even aware of it.

I must admit though, taking time out has forced me to be actively kind to myself by focusing on my mental and spiritual health. I've been practicing mindfulness meditation and attending a weekly homecell (prayer group) with friends. No, I don't have a TikTok account yet. Funny enough, I haven't even baked since lockdown began. I'm also so unfit I think a kilometre jog would feel like a marathon. I'll work on that when lockdown ends. In the meantime, I'm making the most of what life is offering and living each day seeking gratitude while praying for others to survive this storm.

I appreciate those of you who reached out to check if I was fine.

I hope that you're all keeping safe. I hope that you're holding on to hope and joy. I hope that you have spaces which allow you to breathe and express your pain. If you don't, seek them and be unapologetic about your journey. I hope that you're being kind others and even kinder to yourself...

Freedom

It's Freedom Day in South Africa. This day was set aside as a public holiday to celebrate a new Constitution and the first non-racial elections which ushered in democracy back in 1994. Today the country is currently in level 5 lockdown as part of the national government's fight against Covid-19. It's been a month since lockdown was officially implemented. It's been a month since I couldn't really dodge the politics of my being.

I've always been intrigued by the manner in which people refer to politics. You know how they go on about how politics are complex, how politics are a "dirty game" or how all is fair in love and politics. My other favourite one is "there are no permanent enemies in politics". They were right! Now they were all referring to politics in general. Imagine how complex it becomes when one is dealing with politics of self. Hold that thought. Now add this variable: imagine how it's like handling politics of self during lockdown? It's lit!

First of all they are ungovernable. Politics of self are a combination of a monarchy, dictatorship with a dash of democracy. All in one. This being a figurative representation of the various states of being that your mind goes through.

Secondly, you're forced to face the capitalism of anxiety, uncertainty and the frustration of things being in the air. Let's not forget the changing of plans. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has even forgotten how plan A looked like. I'm still bummed it didn't happen, don't get me wrong. The realist inside me just moved on to B then C then D and so forth. Trust me, she's also exhausted. Lockdown has slowed me down so much that I'm forced into reflection. Honest reflection where I introspect and like a typical Xhosa mother I'm forced to "spring clean".

Yes. I've asked God where He is. Calmly at the beginning of it all because I felt like He didn't hear my "You've got this, right?" question. This must have been between plan A challenging into an unexpected Plan B on the "this was supposed to be happening now" list. I'm not sure. I reached out to Him again when I felt completely helpless. Things were getting out of hand. I was exhausted by everything on the outside at this time. What Covid-19 meant to my continent, country and community. The lead theme of these conversations was definitely "Thixo, uphi? Uthulele ntoni bawo?" (Where are you God? Why are you quiet?).

In the midst of the battle of noise and the stillness Psalm 46:10 found me. "Be still and know that I am God".

It turns out that He's been talking back. The noise was too loud and distracting for me to hear. In the stillness of it all I discovered that the Peter within me had been denying the presence of His grace. My inner Thomas had been too fixated by signs and certainties. Did my frustration and uncertainty make a louder noise than my song of praise? How did I think the valley of the shadow of death look like? Was the "niks sal my ontbreek nie" (nothing will break me) verse from the Psalm 23 song, which I sang in primary, a typo?

Do you remember how I selected Psalm 115 as one of my personal themes for the year? I forgot this at some point and I lost a grip. Thank you for the "proof of address" department that handles mercy and favour deliveries in heaven. That department makes sure that God's love locates you wherever you are.

As it stands, level 5 of lockdown is set to end later this week in my country. I'm not holding my breath. I'm looking at Plan G with a side eye and I'm trying to make peace with the possibility of Plan H coming into play.

As today draws to an end I think my inner politics are unanimously agreeing that freedom is a privilege. One I've always had. Freedom is not found in the absence of adversity and uncertainty. Freedom is learning to find your rhythm and dance to whatever beat the drummer of life decides to play. Freedom is kindness to yourself and obedience to the laws which govern your being which are liberating in every sense of the word.

It turns out that I needed stillness to remind me of this...

Days

Quick question before you read further: when you saw the title, did you think about that popular soapie we were all too young to watch but did anyway? Be honest lol.

If you're a regular here, you'll know that I'm based in South Africa. A warm welcome to you if you're new or reading from another side of the world. Our government decided to place a 21 day national lockdown as one of the measures to fight Covid-19. During the lockdown our president announced that there would be a two week extension. When this happened I didn't change my phone calendar. I think I forgot to. So on the last day of the initial lockdown the "Lockdown ends" alarm went off. And yes, I'm not mentioning the actual dates because a lot feels gibberish at the moment. I tend to keep away from numbers when that happens lol. So on the last day of the initial lockdown I put this together:

Yesterday was one of those "oh well!" days.
Tomorrow is going to be another one of those "supposed to be" days.
Today, like many days lately, has been one of those "ipehe hantle motase" days...

I think those three sentences come close to describing a portion of how I feel about everything that's going on. I say portion because I just get overwhelmed, and heart broken, when I think about Covid-19 and it's impact on lives. I'll keep those heavy thoughts to myself for now.

I don't know how other people are experiencing lockdown but time is so fluid and strange. It feels like it's moving the one minute, then it feels like it's completely still and then before I know it I notice how the uncertainty of what's to come just continues to pile up. I make the most of the opportunities to meditate, read and have reflections to keep calm from it all. At times though, the silence feels like that one time I landed in detention back in high school - unwanted torture.

Lockdown is bringing out the best and worst in me I tell you. It comes with liberating freedoms and uncomfortable truths.

When it all began I couldn't wait for it to end. I had this long list of "things I need to do" and "places I need to be". Most things on that list were driven by denial I tell you. I've also been tempted to hop onto the "first things I'll do" or "food I'll eat" after lockdown" train at some point. Are you laughing at me or crying with me at this point? 😩😂

The silver lining during every meditation is the opportunity I get to connect with myself. I've made a promise to myself that on each day I'll find something to be grateful for and that I'll be kind to myself by letting go of the illusion of "normal". I'm learning to embrace and enjoy the fact that 2020 is redefining a lot of things in my life. I'm learning that silence and stillness offer so so much. Remember that I have "breathe" as one of my themes for the year? I don't remember being this loyal to a theme.

I don't know how everyone else is experiencing lockdown on spiritual and emotional levels. I can only imagine how challenging it is. I do hope that we all get to do it on our own terms and paces. I hope we let go of other people's projections. I hope that we get to nurture self love.

Oh, and the voice over guy from that soapie I mentioned earlier was right. I'm never looking at hourglasses the same after this lockdown...