Conversations with friends - Receiving Flowers

I celebrated my birthday two weeks ago. Yes, I celebrated it. I decided that I'll put all things "adulting sucks" and Covid-19 realities aside for one day and just bask in gratitude and joy. 

There really aren't enough words to describe how awesome my day was. I received so much love and I'm grateful. What I can say, though, is how heart warming it is to receive flowers while I can still smell them. This post is an appreciation of everyone who made my day extra special.

May we stop to smell the flowers. May we laugh as hard as we cry. May we welcome the warmth of joy unapologetically because we know the chill of sorrow. May we find the balance...

S/O to Meerster RGM for the background track Appreciation feat. Bimenhle, Simba & Virgo. You can listen to the full song here.

Top 7

 It has come. The time has come fam. The time has come when I have to take a few breaths before answering the "how old are you?" question. I promise you I literally have those moments of silence when I remember that I'm not 25 anymore. Mind you, in my mind 21 still feels as if it was just yesterday. Where has the time gone?! 

Growing up, we used to play a game called Top 7. It was in Sesotho and we'd normally open a circle and chant "Top, top, top sevene" while clapping our hands. This was before one could share their relationship status on Facebook or upload #loveliveshere Instagram photos. Top 7 was a way of people knowing your business. It came in different variations where you had to answer seven "top" questions. I don't think I've ever been in a game which got to seven though. Nothing much but giggles usually came after "ujola le mang wama Top 7?" (loosely translated to who, in the Top 7, are you dating). I'm sure somewhere out there other people had another version and it made more sense. It didn't really make sense to me back then but it added colour to my childhood and that's all that mattered.

Today, as I begin a chapter I'd like to have my own version of a Top 7. I think I began a birthday tradition with Thinking Out Loud. This piece is me keeping it. Top 7 is another love letter to different versions of myself. I think there's nothing that says "I'm embracing the late twenties" like compiling a list of lies I believed, things I wish I knew and my hopes at being a better human being. I use song titles to package the messages.

1. Age ain't nothing but a number

People in their late twenties are NOT old. This must be one of the biggest lies that you believed. Unlearn this myth. People in their late twenties are very YOUNG at heart. Trust me.

2. Hakuna Matata

Girl, I'm looking at the coast and it seems like the height wish won't come true. It's okay. There's no problem with being a vertically advantaged person. You'll adjust seats and stand on "something". Let's keep the hope alive for the weight gain wish. I'm hopeful.

3. Don't stop believin'
Hope is that guest who came and decided to permanently move into your heart. Make more room. Don't stop believin' in things that add colour to this world.

4. Thathi sgubu
Make the most of the time you have with people. Time is so precious and limited. Live in the present. Try to express love and gratitude more. Create memories.

5. Ubomi abumanga
Older people aren't saints. Some older people will own up to this. Some won't. Some aren't even aware their toxic traits are hurtful. Some apologies will never come. Try not to give this area of your life too much energy. Move on.

6. When days are dark
Adulting sucks at times. I can't believe there was a time when I was looking forward to this trap. I wish I had read the fine print. Yhu!

7. Rather be
Your current chapter is interesting. You're treating self-love as a verb and you're healing from generational traumas. There's no other place I rather you be.

There's another game we used to play back in the day that used to fascinate me. It was in isiZulu. Don't really know the official name but, to us it was "isikipa ska". We'd open a circle (yes, we loved these lol) around someone and we'd chant: "is'kipa ska X es'balw' u7 siyang'caza ×2. Wang' bamb' amahlombe, wang' bamb' amafigure, wang' bamb amahips" (I like X's t-shirt that has 7 written on it ×2. X touches my shoulders, X touces my waist, X touches my hips). This used to be the ultimate hype game. We'd crack up so much. X would go around the circle and pick the next person by standing in front of them. Then they would touch each other's shoulders, waist and hips in sequence to the beat.

Today, it's like the universe represents X and it picks me from the circle after making a few rounds. She looks at me straight in the eye and tells me: "is'kipa ska Linda es'balw' u7 siyang'caza.

Happy birthday kiddo. Grab twenty-something by the shoulders, waist and hips...

Time out

It's been a while. I know. So before I proceed, please consider this as my act of contrition. Forgive me, dear reader...

Just so you know, and in my defence, the hiatus wasn't planned. I put off posting to take care of a crisis or I rescheduled meetings to record conversations because of time clashes. In other times my thoughts were too heavy to translate into words and I couldn't write. This cycle happened repeatedly and before I knew it I was officially hibernating and taking time out. 

I don't know what, or who, to compare my 2020 experience to. 2020 is like that girl who gives you a broad smile and draws you closer for a warm embrace only to place a dagger on your back. This year makes you feel like the "boogeyman under your bed" stories were true. I saw a meme where someone said it feels like we're living in the times of Jonah and someone needs to own up and be thrown out of the boat to be swallowed by the whale. I couldn't agree more! Lol

On a serious note, a lot has been happening fam and lockdown has added its own spin to things. This year is not at all what I thought it would be when it began. I've had the scariest and weirdest experiences. I've been adapting to amazing, and life-changing, experiences. I've been learning to let go of toxic traits. I've also just been deeply overwhelmed by the effects of Covid-19 on lives. Being an empath, who doesn't really know how to handle it, isn't the best of things to be during these times. I needed to take time out.

Being in hibernation has shown that we aren't programmed to have conversations about pain in our social circles. This isn't a new discovery though. I've always known this but, I just never knew the depth. I'm also not saying that we live in a society which is ignorant and not supportive. No. I'm just saying that I realised how we still deal with trauma, anxiety and depression as if they are myths. We walk around with identities carved by wounds for years and we're not even aware of it.

I must admit though, taking time out has forced me to be actively kind to myself by focusing on my mental and spiritual health. I've been practicing mindfulness meditation and attending a weekly homecell (prayer group) with friends. No, I don't have a TikTok account yet. Funny enough, I haven't even baked since lockdown began. I'm also so unfit I think a kilometre jog would feel like a marathon. I'll work on that when lockdown ends. In the meantime, I'm making the most of what life is offering and living each day seeking gratitude while praying for others to survive this storm.

I appreciate those of you who reached out to check if I was fine.

I hope that you're all keeping safe. I hope that you're holding on to hope and joy. I hope that you have spaces which allow you to breathe and express your pain. If you don't, seek them and be unapologetic about your journey. I hope that you're being kind others and even kinder to yourself...