Freedom

It's Freedom Day in South Africa. This day was set aside as a public holiday to celebrate a new Constitution and the first non-racial elections which ushered in democracy back in 1994. Today the country is currently in level 5 lockdown as part of the national government's fight against Covid-19. It's been a month since lockdown was officially implemented. It's been a month since I couldn't really dodge the politics of my being.

I've always been intrigued by the manner in which people refer to politics. You know how they go on about how politics are complex, how politics are a "dirty game" or how all is fair in love and politics. My other favourite one is "there are no permanent enemies in politics". They were right! Now they were all referring to politics in general. Imagine how complex it becomes when one is dealing with politics of self. Hold that thought. Now add this variable: imagine how it's like handling politics of self during lockdown? It's lit!

First of all they are ungovernable. Politics of self are a combination of a monarchy, dictatorship with a dash of democracy. All in one. This being a figurative representation of the various states of being that your mind goes through.

Secondly, you're forced to face the capitalism of anxiety, uncertainty and the frustration of things being in the air. Let's not forget the changing of plans. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has even forgotten how plan A looked like. I'm still bummed it didn't happen, don't get me wrong. The realist inside me just moved on to B then C then D and so forth. Trust me, she's also exhausted. Lockdown has slowed me down so much that I'm forced into reflection. Honest reflection where I introspect and like a typical Xhosa mother I'm forced to "spring clean".

Yes. I've asked God where He is. Calmly at the beginning of it all because I felt like He didn't hear my "You've got this, right?" question. This must have been between plan A challenging into an unexpected Plan B on the "this was supposed to be happening now" list. I'm not sure. I reached out to Him again when I felt completely helpless. Things were getting out of hand. I was exhausted by everything on the outside at this time. What Covid-19 meant to my continent, country and community. The lead theme of these conversations was definitely "Thixo, uphi? Uthulele ntoni bawo?" (Where are you God? Why are you quiet?).

In the midst of the battle of noise and the stillness Psalm 46:10 found me. "Be still and know that I am God".

It turns out that He's been talking back. The noise was too loud and distracting for me to hear. In the stillness of it all I discovered that the Peter within me had been denying the presence of His grace. My inner Thomas had been too fixated by signs and certainties. Did my frustration and uncertainty make a louder noise than my song of praise? How did I think the valley of the shadow of death look like? Was the "niks sal my ontbreek nie" (nothing will break me) verse from the Psalm 23 song, which I sang in primary, a typo?

Do you remember how I selected Psalm 115 as one of my personal themes for the year? I forgot this at some point and I lost a grip. Thank you for the "proof of address" department that handles mercy and favour deliveries in heaven. That department makes sure that God's love locates you wherever you are.

As it stands, level 5 of lockdown is set to end later this week in my country. I'm not holding my breath. I'm looking at Plan G with a side eye and I'm trying to make peace with the possibility of Plan H coming into play.

As today draws to an end I think my inner politics are unanimously agreeing that freedom is a privilege. One I've always had. Freedom is not found in the absence of adversity and uncertainty. Freedom is learning to find your rhythm and dance to whatever beat the drummer of life decides to play. Freedom is kindness to yourself and obedience to the laws which govern your being which are liberating in every sense of the word.

It turns out that I needed stillness to remind me of this...

Conversations with friends - Lerapeleng

Happy Sunday family!

If you're a new visitor, welcome to the club. If you're a regular, I'm glad that you found your way back.

I made a promise on my social media platforms that I will work on being more consistent here. This includes regular posts and adding multimedia. Today I'm introducing a new segment called Conversations with friends.

This episode is a conversation I recently had with my friends Ipeleng and Lerato Motloung aka Lerapeleng. They're no strangers to the blog. You'll remember that I once shared the speech I made at their wedding with you. You can read it here. In the video below we talk about all things love, overcoming challenges, life and her lessons.

S/O to Meerster RGM for the background track Appreciation feat. Bimenhle, Simba & Virgo. You can listen to the full song here.

Days

Quick question before you read further: when you saw the title, did you think about that popular soapie we were all too young to watch but did anyway? Be honest lol.

If you're a regular here, you'll know that I'm based in South Africa. A warm welcome to you if you're new or reading from another side of the world. Our government decided to place a 21 day national lockdown as one of the measures to fight Covid-19. During the lockdown our president announced that there would be a two week extension. When this happened I didn't change my phone calendar. I think I forgot to. So on the last day of the initial lockdown the "Lockdown ends" alarm went off. And yes, I'm not mentioning the actual dates because a lot feels gibberish at the moment. I tend to keep away from numbers when that happens lol. So on the last day of the initial lockdown I put this together:

Yesterday was one of those "oh well!" days.
Tomorrow is going to be another one of those "supposed to be" days.
Today, like many days lately, has been one of those "ipehe hantle motase" days...

I think those three sentences come close to describing a portion of how I feel about everything that's going on. I say portion because I just get overwhelmed, and heart broken, when I think about Covid-19 and it's impact on lives. I'll keep those heavy thoughts to myself for now.

I don't know how other people are experiencing lockdown but time is so fluid and strange. It feels like it's moving the one minute, then it feels like it's completely still and then before I know it I notice how the uncertainty of what's to come just continues to pile up. I make the most of the opportunities to meditate, read and have reflections to keep calm from it all. At times though, the silence feels like that one time I landed in detention back in high school - unwanted torture.

Lockdown is bringing out the best and worst in me I tell you. It comes with liberating freedoms and uncomfortable truths.

When it all began I couldn't wait for it to end. I had this long list of "things I need to do" and "places I need to be". Most things on that list were driven by denial I tell you. I've also been tempted to hop onto the "first things I'll do" or "food I'll eat" after lockdown" train at some point. Are you laughing at me or crying with me at this point? 😩😂

The silver lining during every meditation is the opportunity I get to connect with myself. I've made a promise to myself that on each day I'll find something to be grateful for and that I'll be kind to myself by letting go of the illusion of "normal". I'm learning to embrace and enjoy the fact that 2020 is redefining a lot of things in my life. I'm learning that silence and stillness offer so so much. Remember that I have "breathe" as one of my themes for the year? I don't remember being this loyal to a theme.

I don't know how everyone else is experiencing lockdown on spiritual and emotional levels. I can only imagine how challenging it is. I do hope that we all get to do it on our own terms and paces. I hope we let go of other people's projections. I hope that we get to nurture self love.

Oh, and the voice over guy from that soapie I mentioned earlier was right. I'm never looking at hourglasses the same after this lockdown...

The "lentiest" of them all

Tjo!

Lent 2020 was lit. To say the least. It felt like some Snow White spin-off. One where all my previous Lent seasons had gathered around the mirror asking it which of them had been the most hard core. 2020 won. She is the undisputed champion. She is, by far, the "lentiest" of them all.

I form part of the population who grew up watching Kung Fu, Rocky, Chuck Norris and Van Damme movies. I don't remember much from those story lines. I didn't need to know much. All we were interested in was how our favourites, which we fondly called "istarring", would win over the bad guys. That and trying to remember the moves which we could copy while playing. Yes, I was a bit of a tomboy back then.

I've been thinking a lot about that version of myself. I've been pondering on how she had hope despite how badly her favourite character got a beating. She had hope that they would complete the mission, which was normally some revenge pursuit, and that they won't die. "The starring never dies in a movie. Keep watching", she would tell herself. She never had to think about the characters who had to die when the movie began or those deaths that had to take place in order for the plot to thicken.

I've been thinking a lot about that on the last few days of lent. This thought dawned on me when I felt like I was not a "starring" in my own life. I felt like an extra in a movie. On the surface this was a joke that came up during a few conversations. The reality of the situation is that this "joke" pretty much sums up the lesson I've been trying to avoid all Lent.

My Lent 2020 has felt like a mixture of scripts from so many movie genres. One where a genie grants wishes. One where you make emotional goodbyes. One where you let go of what you've always known to embark on an adventure into the unknown. One where you narrowly escape from being a subject of those murder investigation programs or femicide headlines. So much drama in 40 days!

In the midst of all that an unexpected villain made an entrance to the scene. Yes, I'm referring to the Voldemort that the entire world is facing. Covid-19 makes Thanos feel like a wannabe. It makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a horror movie shoot. Only this time nobody yells "cut!".

Lent 2020 was rough. Life continues to be a challenge. I'm struggling to stomach her lessons. To be honest, I don't think that I've ever been this fragile. The only thing I'm clinging on to now is hope and faith. I'm watching this movie and I keep affirming myself that istarring asifi (the starring doesn't die).They did say that you only need faith as small as a mustard seed. Right?