Fabreworry

 Januworry was Januworry like all her sisters before her. She felt like the entire year. One of the downsides has been dealing with multiple choke slams and triggers of death. There's been so much grief around me. There was a point when I was hesitant to scroll down the timeline because of seeing 💔🕯🕊.

We're in Fabreworry and the girl has a character of her own. I'm feeling fabulous for surviving January. I feel like the year has officially started. Navigating the brewery of emotions that come with chasing dreams and taking on new adventures. Worried, also. For the part of me that's missing her late Dadobawo (paternal aunt) more than ever. The fourth anniversary of her passing will be during Lent. One of her favourite seasons.

l've recently realised that I went into a long phase of denial after she passed on. One that's come in drips and drabs. I think "being tough" didn't do me any justice. I miss so many things about her. I miss the sound of her voice when it was calm and when it had caught me being mischievous. I miss her affirming energy. I miss how she couldn't stand the sound of whistles. I miss her unique ability to tell stories. I miss how she loved her soapies and how she'd get so caught up in the story lines. I miss her baked bread and her fondness for our culture.

I recently listened to Luther's Dance with my father. It hit me how many times I had the urge to tell her something. Tell her how her prayers over our lives outlived her. Tell her how much I dislike adulting. Tell her I'm thankful she validated my dreams and treasured them more than I did at some point. Tell her that, in a twisted turn of events, I'm also a regular tea drinker now. Tell her, once more, that she added colour to my childhood. The list is endless...

Above it all, I'm just grateful for her love and how it STILL keeps me warm.

Lent begins tomorrow. My system is already pulling stunts. I'm already having weird cravings. I keep worrying that tomorrow will come and I'll forget, like I almost do, which day it is. I'm haunted by ghosts of Ash Wednesday past!

I've made peace with not fasting from food. That ship has sailed fam. I think this year I'll focus on the emotional things I can give up, working on my prayer game and sharing.

I'll see you on the other side of Lent. Have a blessed one!

Letter 21/20

 Hello family, 

Yes, you read the heading correctly. No, you haven't missed out on much. What is this? A little something extra.

I heard a joke that closure isn't easy to come by. Apparently it can only be found in weaves. It took a while for me to get it. One of the downsides of keeping the same hairstyle for a decade is that you miss out on being current. Closure is very scarce! That girl is really hard to come by. Letter 21/20 is my attempt at "closure" after the #LettersTo2020 epistolary.

I'm surprised every time I visit the stats. The readership has really grown and that warms my heart. The circle is bigger. I'm so grateful for each and every one of you who have taken time out to join me on the reflective journey.

Thank you for adding colour to my healing journey. Thank you for the conversations after each letter. Thank you for picking my brain. 

Thank you for cracking me up. 

Thank you for sharing your personal stories with me. 

Thank you for reminding me, in more ways than one, that self kindness is a verb. 

As usual, I'm promising that I won't be a stranger on here. I'll try my best to keep writing and sharing the journey. I think I should have more conversations with friends. Maybe we'll do an Insta or Facebook live one of these days where we dig into the themes. What do you say? Let me know! 

Picking themes for this year wasn't easy. I've been back and forth. After much deliberation, my themes for 2021 are Will, "Stomach in..." and Psalm 143:8. I have a feeling that 2021 is going to be a bit trickier than 2020. The themes are a combination of "buckling up" and just letting things be.

The Will story is a very hilarious one. It is not the famous actor and also not what people leave behind when they die. My theme isn't even the expression of the inevitable. No. It's rather a combination of "laughing at will" and "where there is a will, there's a way". This is a dedication to my hopes and dreams...crossing fingers!

If you completed the "stomach in, chest out" phrase when you read it the first time then you're a G! In my hood that was one of the mantras that groomed little girls and young women. I guess this year I'd like to explore this double edged sword that raised us. Be kind 2021!

My scripture anchor is Psalm 143:8. A personal prayer that I have. Something that I do not always do. A guidance I need to sustain me.

I wish you all a blessed 2021. I wish you good health, courage to reach out for your dreams, strength to confront bad days and bravery to let go of everything that no longer serves your personal truths...

Happy New Year! 

Letter 20/20

 Dear 2020, 

Only a  few hours and you'll be gone. There were times when I couldn't wait to be here. This past month has given me the feeling that 2021 is going to make me wish I was kinder to you so, I will be.

My final theme for your timeline was breathe. Yeah ne. Out of all the things I could have selected. Befitting ne? This year took my appreciation for breathing to a whole new level. Breathing is one of those simple things in life that we tend to forget or take for granted. 

'I just need to breathe through the bumps you'll bring 2020', I said. Little did I know. Nothing. Not a slightest clue! We all know that you sent more than bumps. Grace held my hand and helped me breathe on each and every day.

I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who refilled my oxygen tank on days when it was low. I'd like to thank people who helped me manage my breath and get to listen to what my body is telling me. Thank you to people who cracked me up to a point when I had to catch my breath. Thank you to you who always come on here to read these letters. I love and treasure our conversations.

I'd also like to thank myself. Yes, I'm pulling an Uncle Snoop. I'd like to thank myself to being true to myself, for working on my healing and for denying my ego every once in a while. I'd like to thank myself for everything I've done for myself in the name of self care. I'd like to thank myself for every leap I've taken, every pep talk I've given myself and all the times I've forgiven myself. 2020 was tough and I held on.

2020, thank you for life and her lessons.

Tsek regards

Linda 

Letter 19/20

 Hello 2020, 

I come before you with exhaustion, swollen feet and a minor headache. The African sun has been kind today. Maybe too kind. Who cares though? I'd pick Summer and heat over Winter and chills any day!

Let's get on with the theme of the day: No. This theme, like the previous, had me asking myself why I chose them so many times on your timeline. One of those "enjoy the bliss of ignorance" vibes. Nevertheless, I kept moving.

I think my relationship with No has always been tricky. No is like a frenemy. You want her around when it suits you. Wish her away when it doesn't. She's ungovernable. Quite the moody type. You may not always like her timing but, at the end of the day you appreciate it. One more thing: I think she misunderstood too. I don't blame society for this though. Yes is a tough rival! 

Me and No haven't always had the best of relationships. You've given me the opportunity to mend it, 2020. Tough lessons learnt. I've learnt that I need to be kinder to myself about creating "no" boundaries. It's hard! Triggers are real.

I've learnt that receiving a no isn't always a bad thing. This year I've swallowed bitter pills, went on mopping sprees and talked my ego out of wallowing in self pity.

Thank you for every no I've received, 2020. Thank you for every no I've given. Most of all, 2020, thank you for every no I've accepted...