The David vs Golaith face off

Lent is almost upon us. Two more sleeps and then I get to walk around with ash on my forehead. Two more sleeps and then I'll brace myself for the stares in public spaces. I've grown accustomed to this. Maybe because I get distracted and a lot happens on Ash Wednesday. From me remembering to fast from meat on the day to my system adjusting to the new liturgical season. Lent for me is when the annual ultimate David vs Golaith face off is in full swing.

I think I learnt about the Easter story and the story of David and Goliath before I learnt about Lent. I'm not sure which came first. Must have been Easter though. Yes, maybe the eggs had more to do with it than anything else. I'll admit to that. I'll also admit that it was a while before I even got to understand Lent. I grew up in a Catholic home and the church is really big on symbolism. So I was aware of how church was different. Back then I probably knew it was before Easter if we had to go around the church and hear how Jesus got to get on the cross. I found that so exhausting as a child. I kept asking myself if we couldn't just skip to the part where elders didn't get too emotional while sharing the word.

Well, a couple of seasons later and the picture is different. My understanding of Lent and Easter has developed. I can safely say that it is an ongoing journey that continues to take up different forms of my self discovery and self love journey. I worry less about avoiding a weird craving for steak and kidney pie or Chicken Licken on Ash Wednesday. I think I gave in after noticing that I almost always remember halfway through indulging in the meal. In recent years I've also abandoned the "things to keep away from this Lent" list. Those lists are worse than new year's resolutions I tell you!

Lent, the period of 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter, is a whole new board game when the adulting clock starts ticking. It got a whole lot tricky when I began the self love and healing journey. Lent is a David and Goliath face off because I go into it with trying to be a better human being after the season. In recent years I've been trying to give up my insecurities and self doubt for Lent. I think this year I'll throw in a toxic trait or two in there. Now that is messy. To say the least.

This face off story is one of the biggest of all time. I guess it's told to us to prepare us for enormous challenges which we will encounter which make us feel small and insignificant like David. Insecurities and self doubt fall right into that. The toxic traits are just a culmination of "self defense" methods. What I've learnt is that this is almost always the case because I seek validation from sources that don't even speak to my inner truths. I want universal acceptance of who I am while I don't even fully understand, let alone accept, myself. I hide behind "humility" while I'm basking in disobedience of who God has called me to be.

I've shared offline before that I'm not a Christian because I've got it all figured out. I'm a Christian because I'm trying to navigate through all my trials and errors. The beauty of this season is that the meditations act as a mirror on the wall that reveals it all. Even the stuff denial allows me to cling to. I see my scars and I learn to love them. My inner David remembers her worth, her inner being and her vocation. On each day I consciously fight back at Goliath. It's funny how life throws in the hardest lessons during this time.

Needless to say, I keep my reflections to myself during this time. I will return to sharing my thoughts after Lent. I hope that the conversations on #lifeandherlessons continue in our private conversations. Those are golden.

I'm praying for everyone who will be observing this season in preparation for Easter. Love and light on your fast. May your David defeat your Goliath. To everyone who won't be observing...wish us luck! 

On this day

A letter to who I will be (18/02/26) from who I am (18/02/20) and who I was (18/02/14)

I’m quite an observant person but there are some things I miss from my immediate reality. I guess this is when I close my conscious eyes off. I’m pretty sure I do this subconsciously and it speaks to how I’m generally wired up. I don’t know. What I do know is that this happens in all spheres of my life and it varies in depth and magnitude. For instance, how and when I notice the things I’ve been missing also has many facets. These range from downright hilarious to sad and emotional.

I’ll never forget how I did a story on an exhibition by veteran photographer, Omar Badsha. The one detail I missed from one of his photos was the reason he took the photo in the first place. My favourite feature of the photo wasn’t his. We all interpret art differently and the people who offer it have made peace with this. My point, about this post, is that sometimes we also miss the foundation of our characters because our focus is elsewhere.

Today, I realised that I also do this with myself and some of my character traits. I noticed this after I came across a Facebook memory from 6 years ago. It reads as follows: “What sucks about a double edged sword is that it’s advantage is also it’s greatest weakness #lifeandherlessons”

First of all, let’s forgive younger version me for the typo and grammar mistake. It must have been hectic back then. Yes, typo mistake. I’m pretty sure younger me knew the difference between a contraction and possession lol. On a serious note though, wow! Initially, I was just startled at just how I could be so deep back then. I say so because I think I can safely say that that version of myself hadn’t really felt all these fire blows that life throws at you. In all fairness, she had her own fair share of challenges. A feeling that overwhelms me right now is how much I just wish she knew worse was coming. I say so also because I know just how many mistakes she made.

So I don’t quite remember the context of that post. I think I was navigating through handling friendships. I think back then I was realizing that not all strengths are good when you’re juggling relationships with others. Oh boy, do I know this now. Now I’m also aware of some of my own toxic traits…

It’s so peculiar that I came across that particular memory today. Today on a day when the current version me is questioning that version of myself and some of the decisions I made. I guess the lesson life is teaching me through this today is that sometimes, and sadly most times, we go on without paying attention to our personal truths. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to the signs from our inner beings and gut feelings. This could be for various reasons. Whether we’re not conscious of who we are, whether we’re still dependent on how others define us or how we’re just not ready to confront our personal truths.

A message to whichever version of myself I will be on 18 February 2026: I hope that I did not hop off the self-love train before getting to you. Whatever happens, please understand that what I do now may not be the best thing for you but it is for me. I hope you’re still looking forward to other chapters with excitement. I hope that you’re at peace with me as I am now as your past version. I hope that you are present.

2020, is that you?

You know those few minutes you go through after waking up from sleep? When you're slowly regaining consciousness and departing from the flight from dreamland. They vary from time to time depending on the kind of dreams you've had or how you woke up. Sometimes they are abrupt and rushed. Sometimes they are gradual and unrushed. The latter are my favourite for so many reasons. I guess its because I was deprived this joy growing up. Growing up in a Xhosa household leaves little room for "getting up at your own time". So I enjoy waking up gradually as a tribute to my childhood self.

Settling into you, 2020, feels like waking up gradually from a much anticipated sleep. I couldn't wait for 2019 to end. I just wasn't ready for you to begin either. I think my system needed to go into limbo and recuperate before hopping into your treadmill. We're almost through your first month and my system is only coming around now. It's like I'm only hearing the birds chirp and sing outside my window, feeling the warmth of the sheets, curiously trying to remember my dream and pretending like time doesn't matter. 

Putting together the Letters to 2019 series was such an insightful and relieving experience. One I really needed. There was so much I wanted to say, so much I managed to say and so much I kept to myself because I couldn't articulate my emotions. Deep down I feel like I need to visit the last few months of that year and get them off my chest. Hopefully then I would have the words and courage to. In the mean time, I'm grateful for what I could do. Even more grateful for the conversations I've had with you Life and Her Lessons (LAHL) family after each post. These were amazing. I appreciate them so much. I hope that this year we will continue to take bold steps to discovering our truths. 

As you know, I'm not big on new year resolutions. I find them tedious and most times when I had them, I forgot them halfway through the year. I joined the yearly themes WhatsApp group a couple of years ago. My themes for 2020 are: No, Breathe and Psalm 115.  No is based largely on tightening boundaries around my self care journey and learning to be comfortable with them. The adulting gig has taught me that each year comes with its share of hiccups. So I won't be wishing for smooth sails only. I just need to breathe through the bumps you'll bring 2020. The scripture anchor is an interesting one. I initially picked Psalm 23 but decided against it during the day when the universe took me to Psalm 115. This was the first scripture I ever shared at bible sharing back in primary. I had forgotten it and a part of me feels like I need its anchor this year. Coming across it somehow feels like my younger self was reaching out to me and giving me a huge hug. Psalm 23 isn't lost though. It remains an anchor with one of my closest friends. We need goodness and mercy to usher us through. 

The year has been busy so far. This despite me being in denial of stepping into the treadmill. My family received a much anticipated miracle, I went on a self care adventure and I also actively took a step outside a very long standing comfort zone. Yeep. All that in the few days that have passed. I'll tell you all about them later. The experience at the top of my mind now happened while I was using a public bathroom a few days ago. I stumbled across something interesting at the back of the door. It was a clean page where people wrote motivational notes to one another. Someone even replied back that a message stopped her from committing suicide. Let me add some context, this bathroom is located inside an examination center on campus where tests and exams are written. It lies at the heart of the varsity beast where students go through the most. I will never forget how I failed a test dismally at this very venue back in undergrad. So these care notes are gold. They warmed up my heart on so many levels. We go through fires and storms in order to bring hope to others. Our consciousness is woken up in order for us to awaken others. We are because so many before us were. 

I think now I can safely say that my entire system has accepted that its in a new cycle. I'm awake and I look forward to filling your remaining blank pages 2020. Be kind...

Letter 19 of 19

Ereng 24 hours mo ngwaneng?

I'm a big fan of countdowns. The end of the year countdown is one of the most exciting countdowns ever. If it could have a theme song for you 2019, it would definitely be the final countdown by Europe. That and the version that most South Africans think during those first few seconds of the song. I was in grade 1 when TKzee released Shibobo but I definitely remember singing along to it. I'll be singing it today. Only this time, Linda is in the 18th area...halakasha!

  

This final letter of the series wraps up my themes for 2019. I've already touched on Isaiah 60:22 and Fireworks so today I'd like to close off with gratitude.

The thing about gratitude is that it's like oxygen. You don't see it and you barely notice its importance but you can't live without it. This year I learnt that in order for me to have balance I needed to inhale gratitude and exhale all things negative. Being grounded in gratitude this year has also made me aware of something. There's a "Look at God" or "God is great" narrative that we push strongly only when things are good or going our way. We brush it aside when things aren't going according to our own plans. I've learnt that being grateful shouldn't be seasonal. I guess, I didn't just look at what I'm grateful for in 2019. I find myself gazing back at the entire decade as if a slideshow is playing in front of me.

I remember jamming to I got a feeling by Black Eyed Peas towards the end of 2009. I was spot on about that feeling. This past decade has been amazing. It has been filled with grace and adventure. I've met incredible people and I've seen the world from the perspective of others. I've learnt so much and also got to discover just how much I needed to unlearn. I haven't always been grateful and that's okay. I'm grateful now and that's all that matters.

As you take your final breaths 2019 I'd like to mediate on my final countdown song.

My final countdown song isn't about a famous musician leading a soccer team into victory. Neither is it about how humanity has made the planet inhabitable. My final countdown song is about me bidding farewell to all parts of me that I've outgrown. Gently. My final countdown song is the anticipation of remaining true to my journey of healing and self love.

You've been a pain 2019 but you've also been quite an eye opening ride. You've punched me outside of my comfort zone. You've shown me mercy and grace. Thank you for teaching me self love and self kindness.

I'll make the most of today because I can't wait for you to end.  Oh and before I forget,  2019, thank you for life and her lessons...

Regards

Linda