Time out

It's been a while. I know. So before I proceed, please consider this as my act of contrition. Forgive me, dear reader...

Just so you know, and in my defence, the hiatus wasn't planned. I put off posting to take care of a crisis or I rescheduled meetings to record conversations because of time clashes. In other times my thoughts were too heavy to translate into words and I couldn't write. This cycle happened repeatedly and before I knew it I was officially hibernating and taking time out. 

I don't know what, or who, to compare my 2020 experience to. 2020 is like that girl who gives you a broad smile and draws you closer for a warm embrace only to place a dagger on your back. This year makes you feel like the "boogeyman under your bed" stories were true. I saw a meme where someone said it feels like we're living in the times of Jonah and someone needs to own up and be thrown out of the boat to be swallowed by the whale. I couldn't agree more! Lol

On a serious note, a lot has been happening fam and lockdown has added its own spin to things. This year is not at all what I thought it would be when it began. I've had the scariest and weirdest experiences. I've been adapting to amazing, and life-changing, experiences. I've been learning to let go of toxic traits. I've also just been deeply overwhelmed by the effects of Covid-19 on lives. Being an empath, who doesn't really know how to handle it, isn't the best of things to be during these times. I needed to take time out.

Being in hibernation has shown that we aren't programmed to have conversations about pain in our social circles. This isn't a new discovery though. I've always known this but, I just never knew the depth. I'm also not saying that we live in a society which is ignorant and not supportive. No. I'm just saying that I realised how we still deal with trauma, anxiety and depression as if they are myths. We walk around with identities carved by wounds for years and we're not even aware of it.

I must admit though, taking time out has forced me to be actively kind to myself by focusing on my mental and spiritual health. I've been practicing mindfulness meditation and attending a weekly homecell (prayer group) with friends. No, I don't have a TikTok account yet. Funny enough, I haven't even baked since lockdown began. I'm also so unfit I think a kilometre jog would feel like a marathon. I'll work on that when lockdown ends. In the meantime, I'm making the most of what life is offering and living each day seeking gratitude while praying for others to survive this storm.

I appreciate those of you who reached out to check if I was fine.

I hope that you're all keeping safe. I hope that you're holding on to hope and joy. I hope that you have spaces which allow you to breathe and express your pain. If you don't, seek them and be unapologetic about your journey. I hope that you're being kind others and even kinder to yourself...

Conversations with friends - Long Term Friendships

Happy Sunday family!

In this episode of Conversations with friends I feature my friend, Dakalo Muthelo. Dakalo and I met back in varsity and we've been friends for almost a decade now.

We recently took time out to answer questions about what has maintained our relationship, what we admire about each other and which lessons about life we've learnt from one another.

Part A

Part B

S/O to everyone  who sent through questions and Meerster RGM for the background track Appreciation feat. Bimenhle, Simba & Virgo. You can listen to the full song here.

Freedom

It's Freedom Day in South Africa. This day was set aside as a public holiday to celebrate a new Constitution and the first non-racial elections which ushered in democracy back in 1994. Today the country is currently in level 5 lockdown as part of the national government's fight against Covid-19. It's been a month since lockdown was officially implemented. It's been a month since I couldn't really dodge the politics of my being.

I've always been intrigued by the manner in which people refer to politics. You know how they go on about how politics are complex, how politics are a "dirty game" or how all is fair in love and politics. My other favourite one is "there are no permanent enemies in politics". They were right! Now they were all referring to politics in general. Imagine how complex it becomes when one is dealing with politics of self. Hold that thought. Now add this variable: imagine how it's like handling politics of self during lockdown? It's lit!

First of all they are ungovernable. Politics of self are a combination of a monarchy, dictatorship with a dash of democracy. All in one. This being a figurative representation of the various states of being that your mind goes through.

Secondly, you're forced to face the capitalism of anxiety, uncertainty and the frustration of things being in the air. Let's not forget the changing of plans. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has even forgotten how plan A looked like. I'm still bummed it didn't happen, don't get me wrong. The realist inside me just moved on to B then C then D and so forth. Trust me, she's also exhausted. Lockdown has slowed me down so much that I'm forced into reflection. Honest reflection where I introspect and like a typical Xhosa mother I'm forced to "spring clean".

Yes. I've asked God where He is. Calmly at the beginning of it all because I felt like He didn't hear my "You've got this, right?" question. This must have been between plan A challenging into an unexpected Plan B on the "this was supposed to be happening now" list. I'm not sure. I reached out to Him again when I felt completely helpless. Things were getting out of hand. I was exhausted by everything on the outside at this time. What Covid-19 meant to my continent, country and community. The lead theme of these conversations was definitely "Thixo, uphi? Uthulele ntoni bawo?" (Where are you God? Why are you quiet?).

In the midst of the battle of noise and the stillness Psalm 46:10 found me. "Be still and know that I am God".

It turns out that He's been talking back. The noise was too loud and distracting for me to hear. In the stillness of it all I discovered that the Peter within me had been denying the presence of His grace. My inner Thomas had been too fixated by signs and certainties. Did my frustration and uncertainty make a louder noise than my song of praise? How did I think the valley of the shadow of death look like? Was the "niks sal my ontbreek nie" (nothing will break me) verse from the Psalm 23 song, which I sang in primary, a typo?

Do you remember how I selected Psalm 115 as one of my personal themes for the year? I forgot this at some point and I lost a grip. Thank you for the "proof of address" department that handles mercy and favour deliveries in heaven. That department makes sure that God's love locates you wherever you are.

As it stands, level 5 of lockdown is set to end later this week in my country. I'm not holding my breath. I'm looking at Plan G with a side eye and I'm trying to make peace with the possibility of Plan H coming into play.

As today draws to an end I think my inner politics are unanimously agreeing that freedom is a privilege. One I've always had. Freedom is not found in the absence of adversity and uncertainty. Freedom is learning to find your rhythm and dance to whatever beat the drummer of life decides to play. Freedom is kindness to yourself and obedience to the laws which govern your being which are liberating in every sense of the word.

It turns out that I needed stillness to remind me of this...

Conversations with friends - Lerapeleng

Happy Sunday family!

If you're a new visitor, welcome to the club. If you're a regular, I'm glad that you found your way back.

I made a promise on my social media platforms that I will work on being more consistent here. This includes regular posts and adding multimedia. Today I'm introducing a new segment called Conversations with friends.

This episode is a conversation I recently had with my friends Ipeleng and Lerato Motloung aka Lerapeleng. They're no strangers to the blog. You'll remember that I once shared the speech I made at their wedding with you. You can read it here. In the video below we talk about all things love, overcoming challenges, life and her lessons.

S/O to Meerster RGM for the background track Appreciation feat. Bimenhle, Simba & Virgo. You can listen to the full song here.