Days

Quick question before you read further: when you saw the title, did you think about that popular soapie we were all too young to watch but did anyway? Be honest lol.

If you're a regular here, you'll know that I'm based in South Africa. A warm welcome to you if you're new or reading from another side of the world. Our government decided to place a 21 day national lockdown as one of the measures to fight Covid-19. During the lockdown our president announced that there would be a two week extension. When this happened I didn't change my phone calendar. I think I forgot to. So on the last day of the initial lockdown the "Lockdown ends" alarm went off. And yes, I'm not mentioning the actual dates because a lot feels gibberish at the moment. I tend to keep away from numbers when that happens lol. So on the last day of the initial lockdown I put this together:

Yesterday was one of those "oh well!" days.
Tomorrow is going to be another one of those "supposed to be" days.
Today, like many days lately, has been one of those "ipehe hantle motase" days...

I think those three sentences come close to describing a portion of how I feel about everything that's going on. I say portion because I just get overwhelmed, and heart broken, when I think about Covid-19 and it's impact on lives. I'll keep those heavy thoughts to myself for now.

I don't know how other people are experiencing lockdown but time is so fluid and strange. It feels like it's moving the one minute, then it feels like it's completely still and then before I know it I notice how the uncertainty of what's to come just continues to pile up. I make the most of the opportunities to meditate, read and have reflections to keep calm from it all. At times though, the silence feels like that one time I landed in detention back in high school - unwanted torture.

Lockdown is bringing out the best and worst in me I tell you. It comes with liberating freedoms and uncomfortable truths.

When it all began I couldn't wait for it to end. I had this long list of "things I need to do" and "places I need to be". Most things on that list were driven by denial I tell you. I've also been tempted to hop onto the "first things I'll do" or "food I'll eat" after lockdown" train at some point. Are you laughing at me or crying with me at this point? 😩😂

The silver lining during every meditation is the opportunity I get to connect with myself. I've made a promise to myself that on each day I'll find something to be grateful for and that I'll be kind to myself by letting go of the illusion of "normal". I'm learning to embrace and enjoy the fact that 2020 is redefining a lot of things in my life. I'm learning that silence and stillness offer so so much. Remember that I have "breathe" as one of my themes for the year? I don't remember being this loyal to a theme.

I don't know how everyone else is experiencing lockdown on spiritual and emotional levels. I can only imagine how challenging it is. I do hope that we all get to do it on our own terms and paces. I hope we let go of other people's projections. I hope that we get to nurture self love.

Oh, and the voice over guy from that soapie I mentioned earlier was right. I'm never looking at hourglasses the same after this lockdown...

The "lentiest" of them all

Tjo!

Lent 2020 was lit. To say the least. It felt like some Snow White spin-off. One where all my previous Lent seasons had gathered around the mirror asking it which of them had been the most hard core. 2020 won. She is the undisputed champion. She is, by far, the "lentiest" of them all.

I form part of the population who grew up watching Kung Fu, Rocky, Chuck Norris and Van Damme movies. I don't remember much from those story lines. I didn't need to know much. All we were interested in was how our favourites, which we fondly called "istarring", would win over the bad guys. That and trying to remember the moves which we could copy while playing. Yes, I was a bit of a tomboy back then.

I've been thinking a lot about that version of myself. I've been pondering on how she had hope despite how badly her favourite character got a beating. She had hope that they would complete the mission, which was normally some revenge pursuit, and that they won't die. "The starring never dies in a movie. Keep watching", she would tell herself. She never had to think about the characters who had to die when the movie began or those deaths that had to take place in order for the plot to thicken.

I've been thinking a lot about that on the last few days of lent. This thought dawned on me when I felt like I was not a "starring" in my own life. I felt like an extra in a movie. On the surface this was a joke that came up during a few conversations. The reality of the situation is that this "joke" pretty much sums up the lesson I've been trying to avoid all Lent.

My Lent 2020 has felt like a mixture of scripts from so many movie genres. One where a genie grants wishes. One where you make emotional goodbyes. One where you let go of what you've always known to embark on an adventure into the unknown. One where you narrowly escape from being a subject of those murder investigation programs or femicide headlines. So much drama in 40 days!

In the midst of all that an unexpected villain made an entrance to the scene. Yes, I'm referring to the Voldemort that the entire world is facing. Covid-19 makes Thanos feel like a wannabe. It makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a horror movie shoot. Only this time nobody yells "cut!".

Lent 2020 was rough. Life continues to be a challenge. I'm struggling to stomach her lessons. To be honest, I don't think that I've ever been this fragile. The only thing I'm clinging on to now is hope and faith. I'm watching this movie and I keep affirming myself that istarring asifi (the starring doesn't die).They did say that you only need faith as small as a mustard seed. Right?  

The David vs Golaith face off

Lent is almost upon us. Two more sleeps and then I get to walk around with ash on my forehead. Two more sleeps and then I'll brace myself for the stares in public spaces. I've grown accustomed to this. Maybe because I get distracted and a lot happens on Ash Wednesday. From me remembering to fast from meat on the day to my system adjusting to the new liturgical season. Lent for me is when the annual ultimate David vs Golaith face off is in full swing.

I think I learnt about the Easter story and the story of David and Goliath before I learnt about Lent. I'm not sure which came first. Must have been Easter though. Yes, maybe the eggs had more to do with it than anything else. I'll admit to that. I'll also admit that it was a while before I even got to understand Lent. I grew up in a Catholic home and the church is really big on symbolism. So I was aware of how church was different. Back then I probably knew it was before Easter if we had to go around the church and hear how Jesus got to get on the cross. I found that so exhausting as a child. I kept asking myself if we couldn't just skip to the part where elders didn't get too emotional while sharing the word.

Well, a couple of seasons later and the picture is different. My understanding of Lent and Easter has developed. I can safely say that it is an ongoing journey that continues to take up different forms of my self discovery and self love journey. I worry less about avoiding a weird craving for steak and kidney pie or Chicken Licken on Ash Wednesday. I think I gave in after noticing that I almost always remember halfway through indulging in the meal. In recent years I've also abandoned the "things to keep away from this Lent" list. Those lists are worse than new year's resolutions I tell you!

Lent, the period of 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter, is a whole new board game when the adulting clock starts ticking. It got a whole lot tricky when I began the self love and healing journey. Lent is a David and Goliath face off because I go into it with trying to be a better human being after the season. In recent years I've been trying to give up my insecurities and self doubt for Lent. I think this year I'll throw in a toxic trait or two in there. Now that is messy. To say the least.

This face off story is one of the biggest of all time. I guess it's told to us to prepare us for enormous challenges which we will encounter which make us feel small and insignificant like David. Insecurities and self doubt fall right into that. The toxic traits are just a culmination of "self defense" methods. What I've learnt is that this is almost always the case because I seek validation from sources that don't even speak to my inner truths. I want universal acceptance of who I am while I don't even fully understand, let alone accept, myself. I hide behind "humility" while I'm basking in disobedience of who God has called me to be.

I've shared offline before that I'm not a Christian because I've got it all figured out. I'm a Christian because I'm trying to navigate through all my trials and errors. The beauty of this season is that the meditations act as a mirror on the wall that reveals it all. Even the stuff denial allows me to cling to. I see my scars and I learn to love them. My inner David remembers her worth, her inner being and her vocation. On each day I consciously fight back at Goliath. It's funny how life throws in the hardest lessons during this time.

Needless to say, I keep my reflections to myself during this time. I will return to sharing my thoughts after Lent. I hope that the conversations on #lifeandherlessons continue in our private conversations. Those are golden.

I'm praying for everyone who will be observing this season in preparation for Easter. Love and light on your fast. May your David defeat your Goliath. To everyone who won't be observing...wish us luck! 

On this day

A letter to who I will be (18/02/26) from who I am (18/02/20) and who I was (18/02/14)

I’m quite an observant person but there are some things I miss from my immediate reality. I guess this is when I close my conscious eyes off. I’m pretty sure I do this subconsciously and it speaks to how I’m generally wired up. I don’t know. What I do know is that this happens in all spheres of my life and it varies in depth and magnitude. For instance, how and when I notice the things I’ve been missing also has many facets. These range from downright hilarious to sad and emotional.

I’ll never forget how I did a story on an exhibition by veteran photographer, Omar Badsha. The one detail I missed from one of his photos was the reason he took the photo in the first place. My favourite feature of the photo wasn’t his. We all interpret art differently and the people who offer it have made peace with this. My point, about this post, is that sometimes we also miss the foundation of our characters because our focus is elsewhere.

Today, I realised that I also do this with myself and some of my character traits. I noticed this after I came across a Facebook memory from 6 years ago. It reads as follows: “What sucks about a double edged sword is that it’s advantage is also it’s greatest weakness #lifeandherlessons”

First of all, let’s forgive younger version me for the typo and grammar mistake. It must have been hectic back then. Yes, typo mistake. I’m pretty sure younger me knew the difference between a contraction and possession lol. On a serious note though, wow! Initially, I was just startled at just how I could be so deep back then. I say so because I think I can safely say that that version of myself hadn’t really felt all these fire blows that life throws at you. In all fairness, she had her own fair share of challenges. A feeling that overwhelms me right now is how much I just wish she knew worse was coming. I say so also because I know just how many mistakes she made.

So I don’t quite remember the context of that post. I think I was navigating through handling friendships. I think back then I was realizing that not all strengths are good when you’re juggling relationships with others. Oh boy, do I know this now. Now I’m also aware of some of my own toxic traits…

It’s so peculiar that I came across that particular memory today. Today on a day when the current version me is questioning that version of myself and some of the decisions I made. I guess the lesson life is teaching me through this today is that sometimes, and sadly most times, we go on without paying attention to our personal truths. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to the signs from our inner beings and gut feelings. This could be for various reasons. Whether we’re not conscious of who we are, whether we’re still dependent on how others define us or how we’re just not ready to confront our personal truths.

A message to whichever version of myself I will be on 18 February 2026: I hope that I did not hop off the self-love train before getting to you. Whatever happens, please understand that what I do now may not be the best thing for you but it is for me. I hope you’re still looking forward to other chapters with excitement. I hope that you’re at peace with me as I am now as your past version. I hope that you are present.