Letter 3 of 19

Good morning 2019,

I greet you in the name of all the lessons I've discovered during your timeline that have connected me with lessons from my childhood.

Today I'd like to reflect on one of those "aha" moments I've experienced. I attended a Christian School for 12 years of my basic education. We came from different denominations but our school had a very charismatic culture incorporated with most activities that we had. Praise and worship was the order of the day. One of my teachers had two signature verses he loved to share: Luke 13:28 on the "gnashing of teeth" and Ephesians 6 on the "full armour of God". He loved them so much that we used to make prediction jokes about what he would share. Yes, I was a bit mischievous back in the day. Did I understand what he meant? No.

It's been a decade since I left high school and I can safely say that my interpretation of a "gnashing of teeth" doesn't relate to anger or weather conditions. The "full armour" is not some old fashioned war statement. These two verses mean so much more. I realised this after participating as a member of a team for the Amazing Race on campus with a "military princess" theme.

In hindsight, I don't think we had a game-plan going into the race. I've always wanted to do it and I just needed to have some fun. What an adventure! One filled with running around campus, the frustration of deciphering clues, 20 sit-ups in less 30 seconds and walking away with the best-dressed team prize. Yay!

During the race I was present and I was just taking every moment in. I felt tired from time to time and opted to "jog" instead of printing and I took stops when I felt out of breath. I only realised just how exhausting the experience was when it was all said and done. While scrolling through my phone, seeing how we were dressed up Ephesians 6 came to me like a long lost friend. There's so much to life on this planet than what meets the naked eye. There's so much to the challenges that we face that goes beyond our initial comprehension.

The race took place late during the year and it got me thinking about some of the hurdles I faced this year. There were times when I sprinted instead of jogging. There were times when I misread "clues" and went in the total opposite direction. There were times when I got the clues right but I hardly stopped to take in the joy and feel deep gratitude for the experiences. There were times, too, when I had my guard down when I shouldn't have had. There were times when I left my "armour" behind.

My biggest take was being aware that there are so many times when I "didn't" in 2019. This does not, however, mean that I "won't ever".

Thank you for this lesson 2019...

Letter 2 of 19

Hello 2019,

Don't worry. I don't feel like throwing jabs at you today. I come in peace, and gratitude, for a very valuable lesson you've taught me about self-love/ self-care. 

I never really knew how to navigate through having phobias or weird quirks while growing up. Being raised in a communal community also meant that there wasn't much room for such. Especially ones that nobody else had or even understood. I had a couple of these. For years I've only kept them within my immediate family. I didn't want to be singled out as "that child who does/ doesn't etc". One of them was how I was picky about which chicken portions I ate and which ones I couldn't stomach. This revelation may lose me hectic street cred. So I'll only mention one for the sake of this post. 

Two words: chicken wings. Yes, it's one of my weird food quirks. I bet you're wondering how. Well, I've avoided eating wings for the longest time. Even though I enjoy them, or some parts of them at least. There's a portion of them that I always leave behind. Weird, right? Trust me, I know. As a result, I eat them so awkwardly. I even avoid eating them in public because of the odd stares. I liken this to how we feel about some "portions" of ourselves. We love ourselves so much but sometimes, we leave certain things out. 2019, you've made me realise this in such a unique way. 

I noticed this year that I'm selfless to a fault. I'm almost always in a "care for others" mode that I sometimes neglect to take care of myself first. In my case, if love was the chicken wing, then self-love is the section that I leave behind. I used to be so quick to give out love, support and care to others without hesitation. I hardly ever paused to think what that would mean to me. I guess, for a lack of better words, this year I noticed how much I burn myself to make others warm. I did most of this at the expense of self-love and self-care.

I'm not sure what triggered this perspective shift. Maybe I'm not ready to confront the roots of my introspection on this platform. What I can say is that something shifted inside and it changed, and continues to shift, the way I do things. No, I'm not turning into a cold and selfish ice queen. I'm just learning to navigate these streets in a different way. 

In a previous post, the Thinking out loud reflection piece to be more specific, I shared how grateful I am for the day I inserted "self-love" every time I saw "love" in 1 Corinthians 13. I didn't break it down back then but I was referring specifically to verse 4 - 7. Since February this year, I've read those verses to myself like this:

"Self-love is patient and kind. Self-love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Self-love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." - Adapted from NLT version 

We live in a world which almost conditions us to neglect ourselves. I'm learning every day how much we need to be more patient with ourselves. We need to treat ourselves with gentle kindness before we even extend it to others. We need to understand that putting ourselves first, drawing boundaries and being unapologetic about them isn't rude. It is a need.

2019, you've taught me how to treat self-love like my favourite portion of chicken. Thank you for this lesson...

Letter 1 of 19

Dear 2019,

Our first encounter felt like a scene from a movie.

I got an opportunity to trade my routine of silent transitions for one of those yearly countdowns we often see in movies. I waited for your arrival with strangers from all walks of life at a countdown party. There was loud music, crowds of people all around me, a loud count down by all of us in unison, one of the biggest firework show I've seen and…well, almost everything that goes along with such countdowns. It was epic!

As epic as that was, I think my favourite memory of our first encounter was watching your first sunrise. I couldn’t wait to part ways with your sister, 2018. As a result, I felt like it was important for me to see your first sunrise just to make sure that she was gone. I needed to witness your beginning to cling onto hope that you were a new book, a new adventure and a new journey. I needed to have my Thomas moment and be present.

You have been such a roller coaster ride of extremes! When you began, I made my usual theme pact. I needed three things from to you: fireworks, gratitude and Isaiah 60:22. 2018 showed me so much flames that, this year, I was hoping to transform them into fireworks. I felt like I needed to work on my gratitude this year and not take things for granted. Lastly, I had to allow myself to be grounded in the knowledge that God’s timing was best. Year themes normally help me in all areas of my life. The way things went this year, it was as if every challenge which came mocked these goals and ambitions.

2019, I asked for fireworks and you sent flames. My health was at its worst in years. Looking back, I wasn’t always grateful for a lot of things in my life. I also found myself frustrated with the alignment of my dreams. On the other hand, however, you have been kind. I have jumped hurdles and seen fireworks. I believe my gratitude meter was at its highest this year. As for alignment, let’s just say that I understand why they say that Rome wasn’t built in built in one day. Or one year in my case.

Through you, 2019, life has schooled me so much about self-care and self-love, being unapologetic about boundaries and understanding my triggers. You’ve helped me locate the courage to get out of bed on days when I questioned my existence. You’ve taught me to allow joy to simmer, to hold onto hope and to allow myself to accept compliments. I've faced some of my worst fears this past year. I’ve navigated my most challenging days being equally my most happiest. I’ve laughed till I lost breath and I equally realised that I’ve forgotten how to cry. We’ve got the rest of this series to unpack all of this.

To be honest,  I can’t wait for you to come to an end. I’ve just realised that, for some reason, writing these letters to you brings back a very unpleasant childhood memory. You know when a bully gives you the “after school is after school” threat? Yeep. Writing to you feels exactly like that. I’m dreading looking back to parts of my body where you’ve punched. My poor knees are already shaking as I think back to times when they had to carry my entire body while I faced you. My mind is also racing back to all the pleas I’ve made for the earth to open up and
swallow me. I’m still astonished at how my chest managed to keep my heart inside despite multiple times when I thought it would burst. You’ve been tough 2019!

I will face you though. I’ll toughen up. I'll keep my knees steady and yell “yeah, after school” back at you.  I'll  do this while I continue to contemplate how I'll tell you how much of a hot mess you’ve been…

Thinking out loud

Have you ever wished that you could do a time jump and have conversations with versions of yourself?

Growing up, for as long as I can remember, my younger sister and I used to aspire to be a certain age. That golden age was 27. We’re South African so, our main reason for this was how these years were a symbol of freedom and liberation. Anyone who has heard about Nelson Mandela’s journey knows the significance of these years. I think I’ve mentioned in an earlier post how strict our parents were and how we always used to view our house as our very own version of Robben Island. The journey to 27 would then, ultimately, symbolise the long walk to freedom.

On my birthday last year, I decided that I would like to step into this golden age uniquely. So I began writing little notes to myself on the 11th of each month and shared them with images of myself on Instagram. These ranged from reflections, quotations and even lyrics from songs. Anything that I felt resonated with a conversation that I needed to have with myself and, most importantly, an important lesson which I feel like the universe has been trying to teach me.

As I step into a new cycle I’ve decided that the perfect gift to myself would be a time jump conversation with different versions of myself. Thinking out loud is a compilation of 12 conversations I’ve had with the little girl I used to be, who I am now and the woman I am aspiring to become…

September: The hardest apology I’ve ever made was to you

Apologising to someone you’ve wronged is not the easiest thing to do. It’s never the admission of guilt that gets to me. It’s the realisation that I have disappointed to act in a way which respects the other person. That and hoping that the person may find it in their heart to forgive me.

It hit me the other day that I had never really, at any point in my life, apologised to myself. Yes, I’ve encouraged myself and picked myself up from disappointments but while taking responsibility for my actions, I had never sat down and apologised to myself. This made me aware of all the times I had let myself down in any way.

Dear Linda, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for thinking you’re not enough, for ignoring you and for not believing in you when you needed me to.

October: They were right. You’re not perfect. You have a pile of imperfections, shortcomings and scars. Embrace them

We all seek validation and affirmation at some point, right? What we tend to overlook, when we’re doing this, is that we are enough. We are enough just as we are and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Homegirl, you’ve had your fair share of validation seeking streaks! If I didn’t know better I’d say that you’ve experienced the worst case of this, this past year or so. This is an area of yourself which you need to work on daily. Accept what the world says, yes. It is justified. Don’t let the scales define who you are or ever make you shy of your scars.

Dear me, You. Are. Enough!

November: I had forgotten that I’m your biggest fan

I don’t remember when you lost sight of this. I’ve tried to pinpoint to the exact time but I can’t. I’m pretty sure it’s when you started feeling like you were not good enough for some friendships, when you were hit with those “we regret to inform you” jabs or when your body was under constant surveillance for being “less”. I don’t know. Somewhere along the line, you lost sight of this and you still do from time to time.

Dear you, I like your big eyes, how your gums show when you’re smiling, your big heart and how you live for something bigger than yourself!

December: “Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.” – Michelle Obama

Becoming is by far one of the most interesting pieces of literature you’ve read. It’s one of your favourite gifts and it couldn’t have arrived at a better time. It has helped to ground you in your own identity in so many ways.

Dear Linda, you are a work in progress…

January: You are becoming her each and every day. Be patient with who she was. Be present with who she is.

You have this weird habit of being in a rush and being impatient with yourself. You second guess things you’ve done and you become fixated with “perfection”. Stop it!

Dear me, don’t be stuck in what has come and in what is to come…

February: Bless the day you inserted “self-love” everywhere you read “love” on 1 Corinthians 13

You are selfless to a fault. It’s one of your greatest attributes. Sometimes though, maybe more often than you would like to admit, you even forget to put yourself first. I guess this has led to a lot of people not being aware that you have boundaries. It’s okay though. You’re learning how your relationship with yourself is so important. You take time out when you need to now. Well done!

Dear Linda, self-love is a verb!

March: People who don’t know you think that you’re an extrovert. Those who do know you are aware that you’re an introvert. You’re just grateful for that smile that helps you navigate both worlds

This is a hilarious one. Many people around me are not aware that you’re an ambivert. You’re more of an introvert than you are an extrovert. Each time you have to speak in public, there is a long process behind the scenes that gears you up. It’s funny how most people do not think this is true.

Dear you, never forget to smile!

April: You know the “parts” of yourself which you’ve been rejecting? They’re becoming the cornerstone of your identity

There are parts of you which you’ve hidden from the world for so long. Maybe because you do not want to be seen as a weirdo or a weakling. I don’t know. I find you opening up more these days. I hear you tell others how you survived, how you’re not well and how you’re scared.

I’ve noticed how unapologetic you’re becoming about your boundaries. I see how you’re slowly accepting that some spaces will never accept you for you. I admire how you’re refusing to be affected by other people’s actions. Resistance isn’t violent!

Dear me, continue healing. May others find healing through your scars.

May: “Your love is bright as ever. Even in the shadows…” – XO, Beyoncé 

I don’t mean to brag but I am sure that you are one of the most loving people I’ve ever come across. You’re kind, caring and you always wish well for others. I don’t get how you do this but I am grateful for this trait. You bring warmth, love and support in every room that you enter. You see the very best in people. You pray over their lives and are invested in their wellbeing.

You do this even on days when things are not good on your side. You do this even when getting out of bed was the bravest thing you did on the day. You give hope even on days when your light is dim…

Dear Linda, do not let this wicked world change you…

June: “We live for the weekend working up the courage…” – Prince Kaybee – Fetch your life ft. Msaki

This has got nothing to do with the fact that your favourite days of the week are Friday and Sunday, lol. There are times when you feel an intense feeling that you are not living in alignment with your dreams. When you question the will of God over your life.

What you’re losing sight of during these times, is living in obedience. The laws which govern your life are far greater than your short-sightedness. You are exactly where you need to be.

Dear me, be someone who’s living...

July: Que sera sera 

You’ve never been a fan of surprises. You want to know and you do get to know. You know a lot. Even things people don’t think that you do, you know. Sometimes I wish you’d stop and allow yourself to be surprised once in a while.

I also wish you could learn to take shock with a pinch of salt. The big bad wolves in your world look nothing like the ones in Little Red Riding Hood's world. This doesn't mean that they are less dangerous though. Be careful baby girl!

Dear Linda, God knows better...what will happen will happen!

August: #Freedom

Remember the scene from Sarafina when they sang “freedom is coming tomorrow!” ?Freedom is now. Embrace it as you step into this golden age.

It’s not what you and your sister imagined it would be. Nope. It’s none of that. Funny enough, you’re beginning to understand the laws which govern Robben Island more and more. You’re so grateful for the foundation and the warmth of the love. Also, you don’t feel old at all…

Linda, Happy birthday to you!