Thinking out loud

Have you ever wished that you could do a time jump and have conversations with versions of yourself?

Growing up, for as long as I can remember, my younger sister and I used to aspire to be a certain age. That golden age was 27. We’re South African so, our main reason for this was how these years were a symbol of freedom and liberation. Anyone who has heard about Nelson Mandela’s journey knows the significance of these years. I think I’ve mentioned in an earlier post how strict our parents were and how we always used to view our house as our very own version of Robben Island. The journey to 27 would then, ultimately, symbolise the long walk to freedom.

On my birthday last year, I decided that I would like to step into this golden age uniquely. So I began writing little notes to myself on the 11th of each month and shared them with images of myself on Instagram. These ranged from reflections, quotations and even lyrics from songs. Anything that I felt resonated with a conversation that I needed to have with myself and, most importantly, an important lesson which I feel like the universe has been trying to teach me.

As I step into a new cycle I’ve decided that the perfect gift to myself would be a time jump conversation with different versions of myself. Thinking out loud is a compilation of 12 conversations I’ve had with the little girl I used to be, who I am now and the woman I am aspiring to become…

September: The hardest apology I’ve ever made was to you

Apologising to someone you’ve wronged is not the easiest thing to do. It’s never the admission of guilt that gets to me. It’s the realisation that I have disappointed to act in a way which respects the other person. That and hoping that the person may find it in their heart to forgive me.

It hit me the other day that I had never really, at any point in my life, apologised to myself. Yes, I’ve encouraged myself and picked myself up from disappointments but while taking responsibility for my actions, I had never sat down and apologised to myself. This made me aware of all the times I had let myself down in any way.

Dear Linda, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for thinking you’re not enough, for ignoring you and for not believing in you when you needed me to.

October: They were right. You’re not perfect. You have a pile of imperfections, shortcomings and scars. Embrace them

We all seek validation and affirmation at some point, right? What we tend to overlook, when we’re doing this, is that we are enough. We are enough just as we are and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Homegirl, you’ve had your fair share of validation seeking streaks! If I didn’t know better I’d say that you’ve experienced the worst case of this, this past year or so. This is an area of yourself which you need to work on daily. Accept what the world says, yes. It is justified. Don’t let the scales define who you are or ever make you shy of your scars.

Dear me, You. Are. Enough!

November: I had forgotten that I’m your biggest fan

I don’t remember when you lost sight of this. I’ve tried to pinpoint to the exact time but I can’t. I’m pretty sure it’s when you started feeling like you were not good enough for some friendships, when you were hit with those “we regret to inform you” jabs or when your body was under constant surveillance for being “less”. I don’t know. Somewhere along the line, you lost sight of this and you still do from time to time.

Dear you, I like your big eyes, how your gums show when you’re smiling, your big heart and how you live for something bigger than yourself!

December: “Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.” – Michelle Obama

Becoming is by far one of the most interesting pieces of literature you’ve read. It’s one of your favourite gifts and it couldn’t have arrived at a better time. It has helped to ground you in your own identity in so many ways.

Dear Linda, you are a work in progress…

January: You are becoming her each and every day. Be patient with who she was. Be present with who she is.

You have this weird habit of being in a rush and being impatient with yourself. You second guess things you’ve done and you become fixated with “perfection”. Stop it!

Dear me, don’t be stuck in what has come and in what is to come…

February: Bless the day you inserted “self-love” everywhere you read “love” on 1 Corinthians 13

You are selfless to a fault. It’s one of your greatest attributes. Sometimes though, maybe more often than you would like to admit, you even forget to put yourself first. I guess this has led to a lot of people not being aware that you have boundaries. It’s okay though. You’re learning how your relationship with yourself is so important. You take time out when you need to now. Well done!

Dear Linda, self-love is a verb!

March: People who don’t know you think that you’re an extrovert. Those who do know you are aware that you’re an introvert. You’re just grateful for that smile that helps you navigate both worlds

This is a hilarious one. Many people around me are not aware that you’re an ambivert. You’re more of an introvert than you are an extrovert. Each time you have to speak in public, there is a long process behind the scenes that gears you up. It’s funny how most people do not think this is true.

Dear you, never forget to smile!

April: You know the “parts” of yourself which you’ve been rejecting? They’re becoming the cornerstone of your identity

There are parts of you which you’ve hidden from the world for so long. Maybe because you do not want to be seen as a weirdo or a weakling. I don’t know. I find you opening up more these days. I hear you tell others how you survived, how you’re not well and how you’re scared.

I’ve noticed how unapologetic you’re becoming about your boundaries. I see how you’re slowly accepting that some spaces will never accept you for you. I admire how you’re refusing to be affected by other people’s actions. Resistance isn’t violent!

Dear me, continue healing. May others find healing through your scars.

May: “Your love is bright as ever. Even in the shadows…” – XO, Beyoncé 

I don’t mean to brag but I am sure that you are one of the most loving people I’ve ever come across. You’re kind, caring and you always wish well for others. I don’t get how you do this but I am grateful for this trait. You bring warmth, love and support in every room that you enter. You see the very best in people. You pray over their lives and are invested in their wellbeing.

You do this even on days when things are not good on your side. You do this even when getting out of bed was the bravest thing you did on the day. You give hope even on days when your light is dim…

Dear Linda, do not let this wicked world change you…

June: “We live for the weekend working up the courage…” – Prince Kaybee – Fetch your life ft. Msaki

This has got nothing to do with the fact that your favourite days of the week are Friday and Sunday, lol. There are times when you feel an intense feeling that you are not living in alignment with your dreams. When you question the will of God over your life.

What you’re losing sight of during these times, is living in obedience. The laws which govern your life are far greater than your short-sightedness. You are exactly where you need to be.

Dear me, be someone who’s living...

July: Que sera sera 

You’ve never been a fan of surprises. You want to know and you do get to know. You know a lot. Even things people don’t think that you do, you know. Sometimes I wish you’d stop and allow yourself to be surprised once in a while.

I also wish you could learn to take shock with a pinch of salt. The big bad wolves in your world look nothing like the ones in Little Red Riding Hood's world. This doesn't mean that they are less dangerous though. Be careful baby girl!

Dear Linda, God knows better...what will happen will happen!

August: #Freedom

Remember the scene from Sarafina when they sang “freedom is coming tomorrow!” ?Freedom is now. Embrace it as you step into this golden age.

It’s not what you and your sister imagined it would be. Nope. It’s none of that. Funny enough, you’re beginning to understand the laws which govern Robben Island more and more. You’re so grateful for the foundation and the warmth of the love. Also, you don’t feel old at all…

Linda, Happy birthday to you!

Halfway through Twenty-Roller Coaster

When I revived this blog last year, with the 18 letters to 2018, the plan was to be consistent. That, unfortunately, hasn’t been the case this year. So I begin this post with an act of contrition: O dear readers, forgive me for my absence. It has been a roller coaster of a year!

I recently visited an amusement park with friends. When we stepped in there we had a couple of goals: have fun, remember to capture the memories, eat as much as you can and get on as many scary rides as possible. Sounds about right, right? The beginning of the year reminds me of this phenomenon. You plan to hop on to as many “scary rides”, tick off boxes and survive. No matter how much planning goes into it though, nothing prepares you for the roller coaster experience. Nothing prepares you for those few minutes, which feel like an eternity, when acceleration and gravity are interacting in interesting ways.

This year has felt like a roller coaster. It didn't usher in smoothly. The most frightening part of the ride has been health. My health woes creeped in just as the year was taking off. This slowed me down a bit...literally and figuratively. I’m not sure how it’s like in other communities but in mine you don't qualify as sick if you don't look like you are on the verge of meeting your ancestors. Nope. You need to have lost drastic weight, have your hair fall off or other explicit exterior. Basically if your exterior is good, then whatever it is that is bothering you on the inside is not big. This is an unspoken declaration in the village. I don't know who came up with these measuring techniques but this has been the case for as long as I can remember. As you would have it, I fell short of qualifying to look sick. I’m already a size 4 or size 6 on good / swollen days, the dreadlocks have grown longer and everything looks normal on the outside. So almost every declaration of my ill health is met with “aw'bonakali tu” which loosely translated to you don't show at all.

Juggling work and keeping up with the health has kept me occupied so much that it feels like I blinked, and then we were halfway through the year. Already?! How?

Six months down. Six more to go.

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I’m not big on resolutions. Instead of jotting down things I'll do differently, I set a theme. The theme has three things : how I’d like to have fun, which virtue to nurture and a scripture which anchors me. My 2019 theme is fireworks, gratitude and Isaiah 60:22. While themes are not as stereotypical or limiting as resolutions, they have a similarity to some extent: they disappear. They disappear when you need them the most.

My health doesn’t show me fireworks, it sends flames. On days when I felt drained and in pain gratitude is the last thing on my mind. As for timing, I think my immune systems has a talent of picking the worst times to act out. During all these downs, however, the universe comes through in unimaginable ways and makes things work.

I see fireworks every time my extrovert side wins the battles over introvert me who is not a fan of public speaking. I find myself being grateful for so many things that I have overlooked before, this including my self-worth and self-love. God is still working on my impatient self.

My friends and I had a blast at the amusement park. We screamed our lungs out, enjoyed the food and remembered to capture the memories. No, we didn’t go on all the “scary rides" as planned. Did we chicken out last minutes? Well, I can’t exactly confirm that. What I can confirm though is that I guess the strategy for the next six months is to stick to the theme for 2019 and allow Twenty-Roller Coaster to roll out as she pleases...

To Dinomore

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you butchered lyrics to a song countless times before actually getting the right version?  Those close to me know I get to do this from time to time.

One such song that I've butchered belongs to the Giddens Sisters and is titled I'm going home to die no more. In my defence, I should say, I was very young when I first heard this song. I was young and I had no idea what "death" was. So how did your girl sing it? I'm going home to Dinomore. Yeeep. To me Dinomore was a person.

Today, many moons later I find myself in a community hall singing along to this song. Correct lyrics this time around. That and being conscious of the context of the lyrics.
What sucks about songs at a funeral is their heart  piercing and trauma triggering effect. The words and the tunes do not just move your body but they reach your soul.

My great grandparents planted eight oak trees as a symbol of their union. Two sons and six daughters. I refer to them as oak trees because of their values and everything they stand for. My family and I are standing face to face with death today because one of the oak trees has fallen...

My heritage stems from one of the sister oak trees - my maternal grandmother. She and her siblings kept their roots merged and raised their offspring that way.

I've had the most interesting conversations with this oak tree that has fallen. She was such an interesting grandmother. Yes, i say grandmother.

My grandmother has been obsessed about my weight, concerned about my health woes and curious about my love life too. Above it all, she's been excited about my success and showed love at all times. The love that is gentle and validating. Not only to me but to all my other cousins. Oh, what a gentle heart!

You were full of drama and sense of humour too. I won't forget the day you boasted to one of your friends about me. "Can you see who she is," you asked. Your friend looked at me searching her mind. "...she's Ntemi's daughter. She's an entire journalist". Your friend, in shock, asked how I manage to interview the likes of politicians I won't mention. At this point I was torn between cracking up so hard and wishing that the earth could swallow me. Deep down I was happy that you were proud of who and what I had become.

Farewell Gogo. Farewell even to the other trees that have fallen before you. Go home. Go home to die no more...

Lerapeleng - a love like yours

We grew up reading stories about how Prince Charming woke up Snow White with a kiss, how Cinderella attended a ball to meet her Prince and how Belle managed to turn an entire beast into a Prince.

For me your love story is one which qualifies, without a doubt, to be added onto the list of timeless romances. One we should tell our children about as they grow up. Thank you for the honour of entrusting me to share it with your world…

So, when I tell the story it will go something like this: Once upon a time kids, before your time, in a kingdom of roses there lived two incredible humans. A knight who hailed from Bethlehem and a princess whose home is best known for the dark mountains which cover it.

Both knight and princess were part of a
 special society (ACTS). He was a senior leader. She was also in leadership structures. They were based in two areas. Their paths crossed multiple times before their special and unique encounter - UniZulu!

A series of interesting events unfolded before the two of them became a couple. I must say. With hearts golden like theirs, you can be assured that there were other's who had their hearts set on them.

As fate and God would have it they got together. And boy, has it been a journey.

So yeah...allow me to add some theatrics to this. I have a very good idea of how this will play out. You know how older people get about having met an extraordinary person? How they go like "yeah, I've seen Nelson Mandela" or Brenda Fassie or any great...I get to be that someday because of you two.

Your love story is so inspiring. You've been inseparable since you hooked up.  Watching you grow together has been incredible. Those first dates jitters, pursuing your dreams and even the birth of your bundle of joy. Facing hardships and pursuing dreams together.

At this point of narrating the story...I'm sure the person I tell it to will be expecting me to pull a typical "and they lived happily ever after". Nope. That's not how this story ends.

The greatest trait about your relationship is how it is genuine and real. In a world of fake news and augmented realities - you two are the real makoya's of Maratongfontein.

Lerato, about you, we'll advise our sons on courtship and character. We'll tell them that actions actually shine a knight's armour. That when you like it, you put a ring on it!

Ipeleng, about you, we'll tell our daughters how virtue is personified. We'll tell them about strength and love unimaginable. We'll show them a living example of Proverbs 31.

Each and every person in here has watched your fairytale unfold. Each of us scribbling something. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we were there, we are here and we are looking forward to entering forever with you.

To end this in proper fairy tale style, I'll say this: I do not wish you a mere happily ever after. No, that is so overrated. I pray you have a blessed ever after...and that is what I will tell my children someday. They lived blessedly into forever.

I love you dearly. Congratulations!