Day 265 of 365: 100 More

Hello fam!

It's been a while. Do I need to perform the usual act of contrition after being MIA or do you already understand? It's been so lit.

Does anyone remember the advert that had the "I would walk 5000 miles and I would walk 500 more" as a theme song? It's at the back of my brain somewhere. Like so many other things these days. I don't know if it's one of those side effects of adulting or if it's just fatigue. I can't even remember what was being advertised. I just remember singing along to it back in the day. Why this song? We are on day 265 of 365. Yeeep. 2021 only has 100 days left...

I. Am. Tired. My moeg se moeg is moeg (very loosely translated to the tired of my tired is tired). That's the standard answer I give these days. I've given it so many times and yet I still feel like I haven't covered the depth of the fatigue. This year has been such an exhausting one for me. It has been exhausting in all aspects.

You know how the first 100 days of a year are all exciting? Well, the newness of it all. How one is still amped up by the themes. Things take such a detour after that. Then they spiral and spiral and spiral. Before you know it, you're on day 265. Then you have 100 more days and then the year is over. I'm not Deborah Cox but I promise you I'm on some how did you here tip. Yhu.

This is the worst season for the self love journey. I find myself being so unkind to myself lately. My reflections aren't about how far I've come or what I've managed to accomplish. No. I'm being pulled towards how many hit and misses I've had. I'm thinking about projects I've abandoned, had to put on hold or are struggling with. That and just life serving lemons and pills. The latter being literal! I'm trying to refocus how I measure productivity. My current measuring units tend to be on the toxic side of things I tell you. The pots are refusing to do the things to be done. It's such a crappy phase!

I hope that 2021 is being kinder to you.

Ordinarily, I keep my lows to myself. I just thought I'd put this one out there for people to understand that storms and lows come for us all. You are not alone.

During this season I'm learning to embrace the shadows that come along. I'm acknowledging how it's taking me a while to unlearn a few things. I'm also patting myself on the back for putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm praying that the universe revives my inner courage for the last stretch of this year. I'm hoping that I allow the sunshine in. I'm looking forward to the days when the power of my black girl magic is on beast mode!

For now though, I feel like butchering the lyrics of that 500 miles song. Allow me to unapologetically sing "I will walk 100 days and I walk 100 more...ta da lala la. La la la la la" 🤞👣

Snakes and Ladders

 Haaaibo...Good morning! 

Yes, you should have read that exactly in that viral Tik Tok that's keeping us entertained on this side of the world 🤣.

I started a tradition with Thinking out loud. Top 7 followed suit last year. Snakes and Ladders is me sticking to a good thing. If you've read these pieces, you'll probably guess my age accurately. If you haven't, I suggest you do yourself a favour and read them before you go any further. Really? Yes. Trust me. It will be worth your while.

Today is the one before the big one fam. Today marks the beginning of the last lap before venturing deeper into Adulthoodville. Today is one of those moments which I would normally overlook. Much like those views I only notice after years because my focus has been elsewhere. I guess because of that, I'd like to reflect on things I feel like I've overlooked this past decade. 

As you know, these birthday posts are conversations I have with who I used to be, who I am and who I dream of becoming. 

Dear Linda, 

For you, Hope comes in the morning. Hope continues to show up on days when joy feels like a foreign concept. Hope has taught you that joy isn't the absence of trials, obstacles and missed deadlines. Hope comes in the morning and it holds the space when a lot of things don't make sense. Appreciate this more.

Don't forget that the commitment to praise God comes right before the declaration of how you are fearfully and wonderfully made. There are so many answers that come from praise. Honour this commitment. 

It isn't really that friends are few when days are dark. Friends are few, because they too are in the dark. Friends are keeping to themselves because their own loads are a little bit more heavier than they can carry. You can only hope that they know they can count on you to carry it with them. You hope, even more, that they forgive you on days when you can't show up for them. Don't lose sight of this. 

Be fair to father time. He does wait for man. He waits for women equally too. Yeep, he's not the discriminating type. Jonga, that guy is very inclusive to all of us. Let me make my point before I get sidetracked by all things patriarchy. Time does wait for us. We just always tend to think that we have more time. Now that's where it gets tricky. So make the most of each season you enter baby girl. Soak in the warmth of each joke, heart to heart and aha moment that you receive when you exchange energy with people. Why? Those tend to keep you warm when cycles come to an end. Accept this.

They mean well when they say that "Dynamites come in small packages" while encouraging you. You just don't see yourself as small anymore. I'm not saying that Imposter Syndrome doesn't show you flames from time to time. It does. You're just content with your size and it isn't small. Dynamites come in all packages. Even packages which still look for deals in the kids clothing section. Remember this.

As you enter into this chapter, chin up and tell that "things to do before" list that life is just like Snakes and Ladders. There are parts of you that are still haunted by those snakes which swallowed you and dragged you back. There are parts of you that are so grateful for the ladders that pulled you up when you least expected it. At the end of the day, you've never appreciated the gift of life as much as you do now. Forgive yourself for not being where you thought you were supposed to be. Trust the process of who you are becoming. Be unapologetic about this. 

Happy birthday to you kiddo! 

Ulala njani

Have you seen the ulala njani ungena x? (How do you sleep without having x?) trend making the rounds on social media? On my side of the world the question is normally followed by whatever life goal or status that you are aspiring towards. It moves from ulala njani ungena R50 000 in your bank account / any fancy gadget / degree. The list is endless. Bottom line though is how do you sleep without x?

My relationship with sleep is one that has transformed throughout the ages. When I was younger I used to dislike sleeping. I didn't get why they would even force us to take naps during the day. In an interesting turn of events, life has made me value sleep. I love sleep. I sleep for fun. I look forward to sleeping. Sleep is one of my favourite pass times. Sleep became even more precious after I was exposed to unfortunate things in life like insomnia. What a pain!

It's no hidden secret that these past few months have been a dribble. I find myself in an on and off hassle with ulala njani ungena x? For me, it has even extended to ublogger njani ungena x? (How do you blog without having x). One of the reasons why I've keeping low on these streets...sigh. 

Please count yourself fortunate if you haven't found yourself in this spot in life. I don't wish it upon you. I don't wish it upon my least favourite people. If you have been here or are currently here I guess you'll be familiar with what I'm about to say.

I think the ulala njani trend is one of those that start out as positive motivation but, just end up exuding toxic positivity vibes. In the end, you're not left motivated to accomplish x or attain dream x. Instead you're stripped of a very basic gesture of self love which you owe to yourself. Ulala njani is so pain inflicting. It leaves you numb and it shifts your focus from reasons why you even need to rest. I cringe every time I see it. I cringe especially during this Covid-19 pandemic which keeps on taking and taking...

On good days, life affords me the luxury to simply answer and say: hamonate jwang! (This is a Sotho slang phrase which can be loosely translated to perfectly fine!). On neutral days, I side with every instinct to fight against insomnia. On bad days, however, ulala njani tackles me until I'm a bit low on self-love and I give in to burning the midnight oil. Not out of motivation or drive. Simply out of toxic positivity...

A younger version of myself would easily wish for more good days than neutral or bad ones. Adulting has taught me that the formula to life is accepting that bad days will come. Adulting is actually a sum of bad days with a dash of good ones. Life is teaching me to locate happiness even on those bad days...

So when reality asks you ulala njani ungena x? May you locate the courage to hit back and say: hamonate jwang! 

Who do you tell?

Fam, remember when Tamia asked: who do you tell? I'll give you a few seconds to reminisce.

I'm a 90s kid who grew up with a lot of influences from the 80s. So this song takes me back to my cousin sister's music book.  Those were the days. Back when you had to master the timing of record, stop, rewind and play. That and trying to recall what you just heard. The epitome of responsibility during pass time. Gone are the days!

Who do you tell when adulting is too much? This past month has been showing me flames. I'm here in a crowded room filled with all things adulting. Yho. I've pinched myself enough to come to terms with the fact that I'm not dreaming. It is not a movie. Your girl Responsibility is being so feisty. Guys, adulting is a trap.

To be fair every year has that month, or months, when things just go left. When you lose your balance and things just get out of hand. That month when you see what they meant when they said that "die poppe sal dans". Die poppe dans! I'm watching them do everything from the waltz to the kwasa kwasa. Adulting is dribbling me so much that I'm not even sure which style it is anymore. I'm not sure if I'm on the Toosie slide or the  Zekethe side of things. Bottom line is that the dolls are dancing!

I look forward to a future when my present is but a distant past...