Januworry was Januworry like all her sisters before her. She felt like the entire year. One of the downsides has been dealing with multiple choke slams and triggers of death. There's been so much grief around me. There was a point when I was hesitant to scroll down the timeline because of seeing 💔🕯🕊.
We're in Fabreworry and the girl has a character of her own. I'm feeling fabulous for surviving January. I feel like the year has officially started. Navigating the brewery of emotions that come with chasing dreams and taking on new adventures. Worried, also. For the part of me that's missing her late Dadobawo (paternal aunt) more than ever. The fourth anniversary of her passing will be during Lent. One of her favourite seasons.
l've recently realised that I went into a long phase of denial after she passed on. One that's come in drips and drabs. I think "being tough" didn't do me any justice. I miss so many things about her. I miss the sound of her voice when it was calm and when it had caught me being mischievous. I miss her affirming energy. I miss how she couldn't stand the sound of whistles. I miss her unique ability to tell stories. I miss how she loved her soapies and how she'd get so caught up in the story lines. I miss her baked bread and her fondness for our culture.
I recently listened to Luther's Dance with my father. It hit me how many times I had the urge to tell her something. Tell her how her prayers over our lives outlived her. Tell her how much I dislike adulting. Tell her I'm thankful she validated my dreams and treasured them more than I did at some point. Tell her that, in a twisted turn of events, I'm also a regular tea drinker now. Tell her, once more, that she added colour to my childhood. The list is endless...
Above it all, I'm just grateful for her love and how it STILL keeps me warm.
Lent begins tomorrow. My system is already pulling stunts. I'm already having weird cravings. I keep worrying that tomorrow will come and I'll forget, like I almost do, which day it is. I'm haunted by ghosts of Ash Wednesday past!
I've made peace with not fasting from food. That ship has sailed fam. I think this year I'll focus on the emotional things I can give up, working on my prayer game and sharing.
I'll see you on the other side of Lent. Have a blessed one!
