I didn't think that a month would pass before I post again. Life happened family. Like most things in 2020, things didn't go according to plan. This time it was a broken heart that kept me away.
I've always been talkative. I used to get into so much trouble at school for this. For not being able to keep still, for questioning everything and for distracting others when we were supposed to be quiet. I was never good friends with stillness. It made me so uncomfortable. As a child, I ran in the opposite direction of it. In fact, I even got my act in order after an hour of detention. Gone are those days. As an adult, stillness and calmness are a dream especially when life is serving lemonade or putting you through fire.A little over a month ago my family went through a horrific experience. I say "horrific" but it doesn't even come close to describe it. I don't know how to describe it. Times like this when I pull the "English is not my mother tongue" card and hope that it works in my favour. We found ourselves having to face a traumatic reality. There are days when I wake up and have to accept that we're living through one of our worst nightmares. It's painful.
This isn't the first form of hardship that we've faced as a family. Naturally, we've been through a lot. Just not this. If I didn't know any better I'd say that it's one of those few times when we've actually acknowledged the challenges of experiencing shared or collective trauma. It hit us differently. It continues to hit us at different intervals. It affects our mental, physiological and physiological systems differently. It triggers different things in all of us. Our solutions are different. Our anger isn't evenly distributed to the parties involved. Some of us have been open and expressive. Some of us soldiered and continue to soldier on in silence. I guess I can say our strongest common ground is leaving room for everyone to be different.
Ku rough guys! I must say dealing with collective trauma used to be a lot easier when I was younger. I was protected from the details. All I needed to know back then was that things were going to be okay. I cried and felt lighter. Things are completely different as an adult. Adulting just comes with a one way ticket to Responsibilityville and there's no return. Here, you can't wish things away or expect other people to come up with solutions. Here, you face adversity head on and you "adult". Here, you see how wicked and cruel the world that we live in is. Here, you see how systems run on unbalanced power. Here, you soldier on in pursuit of preserving your soul. Here, you need to act as a shield for others. Here, you know that it will take a little more than tissues and chocolates to make things better. Kubi bantase.
I've been trying to avoid toxic systems to deal with pain. Despite neglecting myself for a bit, I've been trying to be open about my feelings. I've spoken about what has happened. I'm trying not to bottle my feelings up. I'm making room for self compassion and for my people. I'm navigating through our differences and focusing on the root of our pain.
There are days, though, when I lose my smile and I'm consumed by anger. There are days when I just don't feel like hearing anything positive. There are days when I question the will God.
I'm sorry for my absence. I've been accommodating stillness. I've been working on my complicated relationship with insomnia. I've been adulting. I've been dealing with something that I can't openly talk about. This post is dedicated to everyone who is or has been in this boat.
May we continue to heal...
