Thinking out loud

Have you ever wished that you could do a time jump and have conversations with versions of yourself?

Growing up, for as long as I can remember, my younger sister and I used to aspire to be a certain age. That golden age was 27. We’re South African so, our main reason for this was how these years were a symbol of freedom and liberation. Anyone who has heard about Nelson Mandela’s journey knows the significance of these years. I think I’ve mentioned in an earlier post how strict our parents were and how we always used to view our house as our very own version of Robben Island. The journey to 27 would then, ultimately, symbolise the long walk to freedom.

On my birthday last year, I decided that I would like to step into this golden age uniquely. So I began writing little notes to myself on the 11th of each month and shared them with images of myself on Instagram. These ranged from reflections, quotations and even lyrics from songs. Anything that I felt resonated with a conversation that I needed to have with myself and, most importantly, an important lesson which I feel like the universe has been trying to teach me.

As I step into a new cycle I’ve decided that the perfect gift to myself would be a time jump conversation with different versions of myself. Thinking out loud is a compilation of 12 conversations I’ve had with the little girl I used to be, who I am now and the woman I am aspiring to become…

September: The hardest apology I’ve ever made was to you

Apologising to someone you’ve wronged is not the easiest thing to do. It’s never the admission of guilt that gets to me. It’s the realisation that I have disappointed to act in a way which respects the other person. That and hoping that the person may find it in their heart to forgive me.

It hit me the other day that I had never really, at any point in my life, apologised to myself. Yes, I’ve encouraged myself and picked myself up from disappointments but while taking responsibility for my actions, I had never sat down and apologised to myself. This made me aware of all the times I had let myself down in any way.

Dear Linda, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for thinking you’re not enough, for ignoring you and for not believing in you when you needed me to.

October: They were right. You’re not perfect. You have a pile of imperfections, shortcomings and scars. Embrace them

We all seek validation and affirmation at some point, right? What we tend to overlook, when we’re doing this, is that we are enough. We are enough just as we are and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Homegirl, you’ve had your fair share of validation seeking streaks! If I didn’t know better I’d say that you’ve experienced the worst case of this, this past year or so. This is an area of yourself which you need to work on daily. Accept what the world says, yes. It is justified. Don’t let the scales define who you are or ever make you shy of your scars.

Dear me, You. Are. Enough!

November: I had forgotten that I’m your biggest fan

I don’t remember when you lost sight of this. I’ve tried to pinpoint to the exact time but I can’t. I’m pretty sure it’s when you started feeling like you were not good enough for some friendships, when you were hit with those “we regret to inform you” jabs or when your body was under constant surveillance for being “less”. I don’t know. Somewhere along the line, you lost sight of this and you still do from time to time.

Dear you, I like your big eyes, how your gums show when you’re smiling, your big heart and how you live for something bigger than yourself!

December: “Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.” – Michelle Obama

Becoming is by far one of the most interesting pieces of literature you’ve read. It’s one of your favourite gifts and it couldn’t have arrived at a better time. It has helped to ground you in your own identity in so many ways.

Dear Linda, you are a work in progress…

January: You are becoming her each and every day. Be patient with who she was. Be present with who she is.

You have this weird habit of being in a rush and being impatient with yourself. You second guess things you’ve done and you become fixated with “perfection”. Stop it!

Dear me, don’t be stuck in what has come and in what is to come…

February: Bless the day you inserted “self-love” everywhere you read “love” on 1 Corinthians 13

You are selfless to a fault. It’s one of your greatest attributes. Sometimes though, maybe more often than you would like to admit, you even forget to put yourself first. I guess this has led to a lot of people not being aware that you have boundaries. It’s okay though. You’re learning how your relationship with yourself is so important. You take time out when you need to now. Well done!

Dear Linda, self-love is a verb!

March: People who don’t know you think that you’re an extrovert. Those who do know you are aware that you’re an introvert. You’re just grateful for that smile that helps you navigate both worlds

This is a hilarious one. Many people around me are not aware that you’re an ambivert. You’re more of an introvert than you are an extrovert. Each time you have to speak in public, there is a long process behind the scenes that gears you up. It’s funny how most people do not think this is true.

Dear you, never forget to smile!

April: You know the “parts” of yourself which you’ve been rejecting? They’re becoming the cornerstone of your identity

There are parts of you which you’ve hidden from the world for so long. Maybe because you do not want to be seen as a weirdo or a weakling. I don’t know. I find you opening up more these days. I hear you tell others how you survived, how you’re not well and how you’re scared.

I’ve noticed how unapologetic you’re becoming about your boundaries. I see how you’re slowly accepting that some spaces will never accept you for you. I admire how you’re refusing to be affected by other people’s actions. Resistance isn’t violent!

Dear me, continue healing. May others find healing through your scars.

May: “Your love is bright as ever. Even in the shadows…” – XO, Beyoncé 

I don’t mean to brag but I am sure that you are one of the most loving people I’ve ever come across. You’re kind, caring and you always wish well for others. I don’t get how you do this but I am grateful for this trait. You bring warmth, love and support in every room that you enter. You see the very best in people. You pray over their lives and are invested in their wellbeing.

You do this even on days when things are not good on your side. You do this even when getting out of bed was the bravest thing you did on the day. You give hope even on days when your light is dim…

Dear Linda, do not let this wicked world change you…

June: “We live for the weekend working up the courage…” – Prince Kaybee – Fetch your life ft. Msaki

This has got nothing to do with the fact that your favourite days of the week are Friday and Sunday, lol. There are times when you feel an intense feeling that you are not living in alignment with your dreams. When you question the will of God over your life.

What you’re losing sight of during these times, is living in obedience. The laws which govern your life are far greater than your short-sightedness. You are exactly where you need to be.

Dear me, be someone who’s living...

July: Que sera sera 

You’ve never been a fan of surprises. You want to know and you do get to know. You know a lot. Even things people don’t think that you do, you know. Sometimes I wish you’d stop and allow yourself to be surprised once in a while.

I also wish you could learn to take shock with a pinch of salt. The big bad wolves in your world look nothing like the ones in Little Red Riding Hood's world. This doesn't mean that they are less dangerous though. Be careful baby girl!

Dear Linda, God knows better...what will happen will happen!

August: #Freedom

Remember the scene from Sarafina when they sang “freedom is coming tomorrow!” ?Freedom is now. Embrace it as you step into this golden age.

It’s not what you and your sister imagined it would be. Nope. It’s none of that. Funny enough, you’re beginning to understand the laws which govern Robben Island more and more. You’re so grateful for the foundation and the warmth of the love. Also, you don’t feel old at all…

Linda, Happy birthday to you!